Laura and Deanna McFerrin Hogan are raising two children in a home where labels are not important
DAVID TAFFET | Senior Staff Writer
taffet@dallasvoice.com
“We just let Grayson be Grayson,” one of his moms said in an interview this week. And by that, they mean when Grayson decided to help plan the first transgender prom in Washington, D.C., what could their moms do but support them.
Grayson, 12, who identifies as non-binary, is the older of Laura and Deanna McFerrin Hogan’s two children. They noted that Grayson likes wearing dresses but doesn’t identify as transgender.
But then, labels aren’t particularly important in their home. What is important is that the children are happy and do well in school and are supported and loved.
The prom Grayson planned took place on May 22 and attracted 200 youth from 17 states. That’s quite a feat for the group of four organizers that included Libby Gonzales, 13, also of Dallas and two other planners who were 15 and 16 years old.
Grayson provided one of the drag performances at the prom. But what mom Laura said was the highlight to her was the Tunnel of Love parents formed as their kids entered the prom. Then they spent an evening with their friends, old and new, dancing to pop and rock music and just being themselves.
Laura and Deanna have been together 23 years and are planning on marrying soon. Once marriage became legal, they decided to wait until their children could participate meaningfully.
“When they made marriage legal, we had just had our second child,” Laura explained. “Life keeps getting in the way.”
Life meaning things like breast cancer. Laura has been battling the disease for a while, but she said that, although she’s now cancer-free, she has to go through radiation to make sure she stays that way. She’s waiting until school starts in the fall for that.
For this summer the family has planned a trip to Provincetown — something they do each year for the Family Equality’s Family Week there. (See Family Week info on page 17.)
They’re also organizers for Rainbow Roundup, which creates local events for LGBTQ families with kids, and they are members of COLAGE, a national group for children of lesbians and gays.
Grayson McFerrin Hogan
Having a family
Deanna said she always wanted children. Laura was not so sure, especially about going through a pregnancy.
They said they thought about adoption, but, before marriage equality, they weren’t sure they’d be allowed to adopt in Texas as a same-sex couple.
Then there was the financial strain of having to pay for sperm, hormones, IVI and finally IVF. But worse than that, they said, was when they were turned away from Presbyterian Hospital, which had a policy of only treating married women.
They called it subtle corporate discrimination. No one was checking marriage certificates for straight women. It was simply a way to keep from helping same-sex couples.
“When we were turned away, we decided we’re not giving up,” Deanna said.
So they made calls to other clinics asking if they’d work with a lesbian couple and found one near DFW Airport. But just because they found a clinic, that didn’t mean instant pregnancy. At one point, they thought, “This just isn’t going to happen for us.”
“Treatments are hard on you,” Deanna said. “Pumping you with hormones takes a toll.”
Because they are private people, the couple said, they didn’t tell anyone in their family they were having a baby until well into the second trimester. But at the hospital, staff asked if they were famous because there was such a large, diverse group of family and friends outside Deanna’s hospital room.
They brought Grayson home on Christmas Eve. He was, they said, “a great gift.”
Three years after Grayson, Deanna became pregnant with Griffin using fertilized eggs that had been frozen.
So Grayson and Griffin are full siblings with two mommies, which has led to some interesting conversations in school. Like the time the teacher asked everyone in the class about siblings. Grayson said they had one brother and half siblings that they know about in Mexico, California, New York and probably elsewhere through their sperm donor.
Griffin
Facing discrimination head-on
Once in preschool, one child said to his mother, “Grayson has two mommies. I want two mommies.” The child’s mom looked at him and said sternly, “You want two of me?” Horrified at the thought, the child said, “Nope.”
Laura and Deanna try to shield their children from discrimination, but when Grayson was young, they took him to Pride. They passed a protester.
“One yelled at us, ‘You’re going to hell,’” Laura said. Four-year-old Grayson turned to him and said, “We don’t believe in hell.”
On the other hand, when Grayson wanted to join Cub Scouts, they found a troop sponsored by the Unitarian Church.
The couple’s advice to new parents is to just give your children unconditional love. But, they said, they do have to remind Grayson that not everyone is going to be as supportive as they are.
As for Grayson, if someone says something about the shoes they’re wearing, they’ll say, “They’re no boys’ shoes or girls’ shoes.” They’re just shoes.
And at Target one time, the moms were looking for the boys’ toys and Grayson reminded them, “There’s not boys’ toys or girls’ toys. They’re just children’s toys.”
Brothers, but different
Although Griffin was conceived at the same time as Grayson, the two couldn’t be more different.
“Griffin’s our bro,” Laura said, “our comedian, always making people laugh.” He plays Dungeons and Dragons and soccer. “They couldn’t be more different, and we’re raising them the same way,” she said of her sons.
“Their generation is more open to everything,” Deanna said. That helps them make friends with all kinds of people. And Griffin knows how to respect differences.”
“On the surface he looks like a frat boy,” Laura said. “Underneath, he’s a kind person. I hope that’s what we’re raising.”
Being great role models can make a difference, one person at a time. Grayson’s preschool teacher was an older Catholic woman, and, the moms said, you could feel her standoffishness in the beginning.
“But Grayson won her over,” Deanna said. He was always polite and smart, and at their last parent-teacher conference with her, the teacher said, “You two have changed my mind.”
Some final advice the couple has for anyone planning to have children: Get a good counselor, they said, because having children is challenging to a relationship.
Be prepared. Discuss everything — how are you going to feed the kids, discipline them, anything you can think of. Take care of yourself first and make sure your relationship is healthy — then go for it
And then remember the kids are just going to be who they are.
