Tired of going out in costume for Halloween? And fed up with rules about what you can show and what must be covered? Now you, or rather your penis, can phone it in.
CamSoda, an adult entertainment company, announced a costume contest for your penis. And all you have to do is dress him up and send a photo in to enter the first Cockstume Contest. Winners will receive a year’s worth of CamSoda tokens to use for their model shows.
Costumed penii — is that the correct plural of penis? My AP Stylebook doesn’t say — will be judged by a panel of “cam girls” from DickRatings.com. CamSoda explains these judges usually rate genitals based on their natural appearance. For Halloweenie, however, they’ll judge based on creativity, humor, scariness and timely or cultural relevance.
Categories are male solo, male group (no more than four because five penises would just be odd) and couples, which we’re assuming means one of those unnatural heterosexual type partnerings rather than an up-to-four male group. Email your photo to firstname.lastname@example.org. Winners will be announced on Oct. 31 at noon Central Time.
Oh, and “size is not something that will impact judging,” CamSoda wrote in its press release. Liars.
And “any contestant(s) displaying profanity or disrespectful behavior will be disqualified.” So no profane penis costumes. Just G-rated decorated penii. And no bullshit or anything fucking rude about other penises. Remember the golden rule: Love thy neighbor’s penis as your own.
— David Taffet