Being offended

Hello Uglies. I kinda feel that is the perfect way for me to start this article. Did any of you get offended by being called ugly? Some of you may know where that is from, but let’s just say it is a term of endearment in some circles. If you were offended by being called ugly, go ahead and stop reading now; this may be triggering for you sensitive souls.

A few weeks ago, I got an email sent to my askcassienova@gmail.com email account. It had been there for a while because I don’t check it often. The anonymous email basically said that I had offended them at one of my shows. They mentioned a random night at J.R.’s when a guy yelled out to me, after I jokingly said that I had a horrible childhood, “Were you molested?” Without missing a beat, I said, “Luckily no, I was an ugly child.” I also joked that I had once had sex with a 15-year-old, but I was 14 at the time. I’ve always been into older men.

The individual who emailed said that they did not appreciate my jokes about molestation and that I should not make such offensive jokes because you never know what someone else has gone through. They said I should edit myself better and even asked for an apology.

Let me interject here and say that I am pretty good at gauging the crowd to see how far I can take a bit. My favorite part of doing drag and emceeing is crowd work. I like to make the crowd feel like they are part of the show. I have great instincts for who is going to have fun with me and who doesn’t want anything to do with me or the show.

I may not be a full-fledged comedian, but I know I am funny. I tend to be a little raunchy, absolutely annoying and somewhat inappropriate. I also know that I am not everyone’s cup of tea, and I am totally okay with that.

And I understand that everyone has been through their own shit and has their own trauma. I am not looking to prey on anyone’s personal pain. I never want anyone to leave one of my shows feeling genuinely offended. I honestly never try to make someone feel bad on purpose.

Well, unless they are just being a huge asshole or complete bitch.

But here is the hill I am willing to die on: Stop looking for things to be offended by.

The world should not have to walk on eggshells around you. If you feel triggered by something, walk away or keep scrolling.

I am not saying you should never be offended and that your voice shouldn’t be heard. But think about the intent behind whatever is offending you. Let’s say someone yells faggot at you from a passing vehicle — Absolutely be mad. But if you overhear someone say “Hey faggot” to their friend — not your business. Move on.

And please stop being offended for other people. Once again, I’m not saying don’t take up for other people; absolutely educate an idiot. But maybe don’t look for reasons to get upset just so you can have a reason to be someone’s savior.

Back to the email: I messaged them back and said that I was sorry they were so easily offended. It was kind of an apology.

I also said they were right; I don’t know what every person in the room has gone through or their personal traumas. But I feel like it is my job to possibly help people by making them laugh and/or entertaining them. One of the reasons we go to shows is for a little escapism. I also said that I was sorry for whatever they went through in the past and that my “jokes” were just that — jokes.

The reply I got back from them infuriated me. They said, “Oh no lol. I wasn’t molested or anything like that. I just thought what you said was offensive.”

I think it was the “lol” that really annoyed me. I wish I would not have even responded to him — or her.

I honestly had a moment of crisis in my head: Should I start censoring myself even more than I already do. (If you only knew the things, I DON’T say!) I was starting to rethink my entire approach to being on the mic.

Screw that person and their anonymous email! Got me over here second guessing all of my life’s choices!

The truth is that me being on the mic, telling my stories through humor, helps me process pain. It helps me work through my own trauma. If I can joke about it, then I can get through it.

I will always be the person who makes an inappropriate joke at a funeral. I will always try to say something that will help a friend smile on a horrible day. That is just who I am. We all have that one friend — or in my case, many friends — who will always try to lighten the mood when life feels heavy. And thank God for them!

I recently read an article about people being offended by jokes made by Matt Rife and how he should be canceled for his “insulting and hurtful” jokes. Look, even I found some of the things said to be cringy. But who are the joke police? Who says what is okay for a comedian to say and what is not okay?

I bet these same people that are publicly offended by everything tell racial, 9-11 or AIDS jokes behind closed doors. The truth of the matter is that these “I’m offended” extremists are the squeaky wheel, and the media makes it seem like more people are offended than actually are. It’s those Fox News scare tactics.

(Sorry, that sounded a little … on the soapboxish, or like I turned into one of them good ol’ southern lawyers like you see on the TVs.)

I understand not everyone has thick skin like me. But to those easily offended or sending anonymous emails to bitch, I’d like to say one thing: If the worst thing going on in your life is a slightly offensive joke at a drag show, you are very lucky. The privilege of being offended so easily must be exhausting, so chill out. I would say grow a pair or toughen up, but that would probably offend you. So let me just say: Bless your heart.

Remember to always love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO,

– Cassie Nova