On being gamer-adjacent

Hi all. I have always wanted to be a gamer, but I have the hand/eye coordination of a walrus using a calculator watch. When I was a kid — like 8 or 9 — my dad got us an Atari, and I played it all the time. But back then you had a single joystick with one button. Hell, I am not even sure if I was any good at it, or if I just hit the button enough that I got lucky. We had Pong and Space Invaders, but I had the attention span of a hillbilly on meth, so I lost interest pretty fast.

Then we got Pac-Man and Frogger. The graphics on those left something to be desired on the home system. Poor little Pac-Man looked like two Devo hats with a wonky eye — nowhere near looking like a circle. The graphics were horrible.

Sometimes the controller would feel like it had a slight lag, so your timing to turn and run away from the ghosts was always a little off. My dad ended up playing the games more than I ever did.

Side note: When I was in third grade, I went to Helen Vial Elementary in Garland and had to walk about a mile home from school. There was a convenience store — I think it was a Circle K — at about the halfway point where we would always stop to play Ms. Pac-Man. I would hoard quarters just so I could play that damn game.

One day I got the high score and was able to put my initials on the screen for others to see but I put “LUV” instead of my actual initials. I thought I was so fucking cool for kinda spelling my last name. My “LUV” high score was the top score for over a month. For a third-grader, that is a big fucking deal.

Somewhere around ninth grade, my best friend’s family got a Nintendo, and we were all obsessed with Super Mario Brothers. I sucked at it so badly. It seemed that everyone was able to clear those first couple of levels pretty easily. Not me! My petite fingers and thumb really let me down. I would sit and watch others play because I would get embarrassed at how poorly I played.

I finally got my own Nintendo a few years later and would play until my fingers hurt, just trying to get good at games none of my friends even played anymore. It was like I had a personal vendetta against that little Italian bitch. I never did save that freakin’ princess. Plus, by then, I was into a much different kind of peach!

For years after that I lost all interest in games. I was way more into the Three Ds: Dick, Drag or Drugs. (God, I miss the ’90s!) During that time, I was a basic bitch when it came to games. I played Tetris or poker — nothing that took up too much brain power or energy.

Wait a minute! In the late ’90s I became obsessed with the X-Files PC game. I played that every day for probably three months. Nothing has ever made me feel so dumb. But, when I realized that I was overthinking everything, I smashed it! Plus, Celeste Martinez bought me the X-Files book that gives you all of the answers and cheat codes. I honestly did about 85 percent of that game on my own, but that book kept me from chunking my computer out of the window of my third-floor condo.

When Jamie and I got together, he was into racing games. He’s a big Days of Thunder and Nascar fan, so of course he was great at those games.

I realized I loved the long story format games, like The Walking Dead and the Telltale Series, but, once again, I sucked at playing them. My stupid, fat fingers limited how much of the story I would get through. So, I made Jamie play them, and I would sit and watch him play like I was watching an episode of The Walking Dead. I would throw in my suggestions on what he should do next: “Go through that door! Pick up that machete! Run bitch; they gonna eat you!”

I was no help at all, but it was fun.

When The Last of Us game came out, I immediately knew I would love it. Surprise: I sucked at it! Our nephew gave us his copy, and it took me about 20 minutes to realize this was one more game I was not going to get far into. Luckily, there are people on YouTube that play the game all the way through so you can watch it like a movie. I may or may not have been one of those people that watched it and pretended I was good at the game. (Just kidding: All of my friends know I have many talents, but playing video games ain’t one of them.)

Now we have some amazing shows and movies based on video games that are perfect for those of us who are hand/eye-handicaped. I really enjoy the beauty and the stories that come from these amazing games. Resident Evil, Silent Hill, Arcane and The Witcher are a few of my favorites. But The Last Of Us and Fallout are on a whole new level. I need Hollywood to keep making high quality, high concept art like these shows.

I wish I was a real gamer, but I will settle for being gamer-adjacent. Play on nerds! Remember to always love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova