Tim Clausen

New book explores how men come out to their dads and the challenges of their relationships

DAVID TAFFET | Senior Staff Writer
taffet@dallasvoice.com
One Texas man interviewed for Tim Clausen’s new book, Not the Son He Expected, always knew he was gay. But having grown up in a religious family, he did what was expected of him: He got married and had kids.
Eventually though, he couldn’t continue living that lie. So he divorced his wife. But when his mother began bad-mouthing his ex-wife in church, he had to come out to his parents and explain that the divorce was not her fault.
As a result, his father told him to leave the house, but he continues some contact with his mother.
He’s now married to a man and has left open the possibility of some relationship with his father. As a nurse, he’s even suggested that if his father eventually needed care, he’d provide it.
In another story, a police officer from Alabama expected to be rejected, but when he told his father he was gay, his dad hugged him.
Clausen’s book is a follow up to Love Together, a compilation of interviews with couples in long-term relationships that included stories of two local couples — Jack Evans and George Harris, and Steve Habgood and Mark Sadlek.
Not the Son He Expected explores the relationship between gay sons and their dads and is drawn from interviews with more than 80 men. The book includes an interview with a Dallas man who didn’t want his real name used and used the alias Jay Larson.
Larson was born in Sepulpa, Okla. His parents divorced before he was three, and his dad moved to Dallas. His mother remarried, and his stepfather embraced his new son and adopted him.
When he came out to his family, his mom didn’t react well, so Larson left home. But his adoptive dad searched for him and reunited the family.
Larson hasn’t seen his biological dad in 20 years, even though they both live in Dallas. The hurt in that relationship has nothing to do with his being gay; it’s about what his father did to his mother years ago.
The book includes a wide variety of stories that contradict the stereotype of the relationships gay men have with their fathers. While some do have strained relationships, others have great relationships. Larson, for example, has a close relationship with the father who raised him and gives a number of examples of ways his father has told him he loves him over the years.
Clausen includes his own story about telling his father by letter that he is gay.
He begins by explaining, “I was extremely fortunate to be able to experience the type of close and loving friendship with my father late in life that I would have liked to have had all along, though that relationship did not happen by chance.”
Clausen said many of his interview subjects were afraid of rejection and were surprised by the support they received.
Some dads were initially quiet and became more accepting with time.
“Many just needed time to process,” Clausen said.
Clausen prepared 28 questions that he asked each of the men he interviewed. Some are quite blunt and could open wounds: “Did you feel you were a disappointment to him?”
Others reveal how the relationship has changed: “How has your relationship evolved over time?”
And while everyone believes they’ll never be like their parents and will do anything they can to be different, Clausen asked: “In what ways are you like him?”
Many of the subjects of the book are also fathers themselves, like Clausen. One of his questions he asks is: “Are you a better dad to your kids than your dad was to you?”
Clausen said he favored those stories where the son took the opportunity to formally come out to his fathers, whether it was in person, by phone, in an email or by a letter.
Those Clausen interviewed were interesting on a number of levels. One was a gay porn director whom he said he met through a mutual friend.
The director grew up in an Italian family with old-fashioned parents. They never really understood exactly what he did and thought he worked in a store that sold videos. They had a nice relationship despite, or maybe because of, the misunderstanding.
One subject recovered from damaging reparative therapy. Another is a former priest. And one is a social worker working with survivors of the Pulse nightclub massacre. One discusses his relationship with his father, who is transgender and is now his second mom.
As he did in his first book exploring what makes same-sex relationships last, Clausen successfully searches for and finds how gay sons develop healthy relationships with their fathers.
Not the Son He Expected: Gay Men Talk Candidly About Their Relationship With Their Father by Tim Clausen available on Kindle and through Amazon.