- Jon Benov
You can’t know how important President Obama’s directive to Health and Human Services is if you haven’t experienced discrimination based on hospital visitation.
You can’t understand how insidious the arguments against it that I’ve heard this morning are if you haven’t experienced the horror of dealing with the legality of taking care of a loved one in a hostile environment unless you’ve experienced it.
Jon Benov was my former partner and closest friend. In the late 1980s, Jon had AIDS.
For the final three and a half months of his life, he was in Piedmont Hospital in Atlanta. The nurses and staff were wonderful. All legal papers were in place. His current partner, Luis, had full power of attorney and medical power of attorney. I was to be consulted on ALL decisions. His parents? Not so much.
Jon loved his parents and they loved him. They were part of the original group of 10 Parents of Gays (now PFLAG) in Greenwich Village in 1975. But making rational decisions about his medical care? He knew better than to leave it to his family.
Rather than honor Jon’s wishes (as stated in his powers of attorney), they took us to court two weeks before he died. Rather than sitting by his bed, we were talking to a Georgia Family Court judge in 1989. Although the paperwork was in place, the judge ruled against it and now decisions would have to be shared with his mother.
The arguments against Obama’s directive are that he’s undermining traditional marriage. Would these bastards who hate us have preferred that Jon suddenly get up from his death bed and marry a woman? That seems to be their message. If you don’t get married, we’ll decide who takes care of you. Not you. Or maybe their real message is “We don’t like you. Die alone.”
We’re always told to make sure we have all of our paperwork in place. Opponents tell us we can get all the protections we need without marriage. Just do the legal paperwork. But even then, they’ll take you to court to challenge it.
Obama’s directive is simple. If Jon named me to make his final medical decisions, then I should make his final medical decisions. If Jon wanted me in the hospital room with him, then I should be in the hospital room with him. Preventing me from doing so, did not advance the cause of straight marriage.
Jon died 20 years ago in January. I still miss him, but yesterday’s event helped give me some closure. Thank you. I hope it helps other people.
(Oh, and sorry for posting the really crappy picture of you, Jon. This morning, I was looking for one without that damn mustache that you know I hated. Couldn’t find any better ones.)
David, thank you for this appreciation of the Obama directive.
I have chosen a friend as my decision-maker even though I am close to my only sibling. I know that she would find it hard, perhaps impossible, to “let me go” in a rational way. LGBT partners, friends, and our entire community can benefit from rational pre-planning in end-of-life decisions..
I dig the ‘stache David and thanx for the story. I’ve been hearing other activists bitch about this directive saying that it’s another crumb from the Obama administration. Your personal story shows how significant this directive really is. Gracias 🙂
I heard it said last night that this issue is not a gay rights issue, but a human rights issue. And it could not have been said better. When two people love each other and have made a life together, then they should have the freedom to do things like make medical decisions and be in in the hospital room. The person in the bed should have the freedom of deciding who should be by their sides. To do anything else is simply cruel and inhumane.
It is a crumb — until it affects you. Then it’s a major, life-changing civil right that married couples take for granted. And it will help many people and reach way beyond the LGBT community. Anyone who is not married is affected. Anyone who chooses someone other than their closest relative is affected. The only ones not affected are the right-wing straight-marriage-only fascists who want to direct my medical care for me.
And Tisha — Jon knew I hated the stache. And it’s National Day of Silence so HUSH.