A mind is a terrible thing to waste
Hello to all my ghouls and gays! Happy Halloween! Hope your dark holiday has been full of fun and fright (as you can tell from my photo, it’s been hell on me).
A few weeks ago, I wrote about feeling stupid. Well, I recently realized something. It’s not my fault. It is my damn smartphone’s fault. I used to be able to spell, remember everybody’s phone number and even had beautiful handwriting. Now I can’t do anything without my phone or computer. Back in the day, I could tell you the most random bits of trivia. I knew the name of every actor or actress and every movie they were in. Now, I
immediately pull out my phone and IMDB the movie before using my brain. It used to be my penmanship was on point, but now if I have to hand-write something, it looks like I wrote it with my feet. Heaven forbid I am ever in an emergency without my phone! The only phone number I remember is my own. (And Hunky’s — that number is the same as it was 20 years ago when I worked there.) So unless I am being robbed by the Hamburglar, I’m screwed. If you only knew how many times spellcheck has highlighted words as I write this … ashamed. I blame you, smartphones. Iphones, Androids and Windows phones done made us all more dumber.
Now let’s see if I can help my fragile ego with helping others.
Dear Cassie,
First off, let me say I’ve adored you for nearly 10 years. You performed Kelly Clarkson my first night at a gay bar when I was 19. It was love at first lip sync. You are just amazing. Now to my question.
I got out of a relationship little over a year ago. It was a nasty breakup. I have since moved on and he now has a new guy. We don’t run in the same circles so we haven’t crossed paths … until last night. I have worked out at the same gym and around the same time for four years; he knows this. Last night, I saw him gawking at me through the window all Hannibal Lecter-like. Then he walked in. Apparently, he and his boyfriend are now members. I would be totally cool with this, however they just sit in the corner and mean-mug me. I move to another area, they follow. They are always just feet away … and it’s a big gym. I just wanna jam to Britney and work on my fitness without wondering if someone is giving me the stink eye. No words have been exchanged. How do I handle this if I run into them again? Do I take the high road and make the first move? Do I call a truce? Change work out time? Move to Alaska?! I need the point of view from someone not biased. Thanks gorgeous, C. Starling.
Hello Clarice,
First let me say “thank you” for being a fan, and for your kind words. One can never hear enough praise. Second, let me put this succinctly: Hell no you don’t take the high road! They are invading your space. Your ex knew you would be there so he is showing you off to his new piece. Here is what you do: Wear shorter shorts, tighter tank tops and let their jealous stares fuel your workout. You know you look good so whenever you see them staring at you, blow them a kiss or wave really big. Make sure they know they got caught staring at you again. Don’t ignore them. Don’t change your workout time. Don’t move to Alaska, although it would be a lovely trip. Miss Britney loves an audience; so should you. In the words of Taylor Swift, shake it off. Haters gonna hate, so let ’em. Good luck, Cassie.
Dear Cassie,
I’m 42 years old and enjoying being single. I’ve been accused of being a “chicken hawk,” and since I like boys in the age range of 18 to 23, it’s probably true. There’s been one 20-year-old SMU kid I befriended through a “social networking app” and we immediately clicked. First, it was just a sexual thing, but then became a friends-with-benefits thing as well. It’s almost three months now and he asked if I’d ever consider dating a 20-year-old. I told him “no.” But we get along so well and we hang out practically every day. Yes, he still has his 20-year-old, immature side come out but he communicates much better than many 35- to 40-year-olds I’ve gone on dates with. Is it weird to consider a relationship with someone more than 20 years younger than me? Why do I feel weird when I picture myself introducing him as my boyfriend? Please help. — Chicken Hawk.
Dear Mr. Hawk,
Well, well, well you dirty old man. Sounds to me that you just want someone to say it’s OK to bone a twink. Do you help him with his homework after sex? You had better hurry up and date him before he gets too old for you in a few years. I bet he feels like Anna Nicole Smith or that you feel like a gay Hugh Hefner. One more, when he calls you Daddy, is it weird because you are literally old enough to be his Dad? I will stop now. Seriously, if y’all like each other, then date. Screw what other people think. He is a consenting adult who likes older guys, big deal. Own your cougar dude status. But be warned, if you start to say things like “back in my day” and “when I was your age” it might get to be a little creepy, Gramps. You’re welcome! Cassie.
Remember: Use your brain more. Don’t use it, you lose it. It’s too late for me, but save yourselves!
Love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO Cassie Nova.
If you have a question and want to suggest for Ask a Drag Queen — or just have some juicy gossip to share — email it to AskCassieNova@gmail.com.
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition October 31, 2014.
