From weighted blankets to long red nails

Hello peoples. I hope you are enjoying this beautiful magnificent day. I actually woke up in kind of a “meh” mood today, so I am trying to fake my way into a great mood and have a fabulous and productive day.

I’m gonna fake it till I make it.

I slept great, so I can’t blame that. I have been sleeping really well as of late. I received a weighted blanket for Christmas, and I love it. I am a man of a certain age, and as we get older, we tend to need to get up and pee a lot. Since I got the weighted blanket, I guess I have been sleeping so soundly that either I can hold it longer, or I am in too deep a sleep to even think about peeing.

I don’t suffer from anxiety — well, only the normal amount anxiety, I would say — but if you have anxiety problems, you should seriously try a weighted blanket. There is something about the pressure on top of you that is so nice. You know when you go to the dentist, and they do an X-ray? And they put that lead vest on you to protect you from the radiation? I have always loved the way that felt.

It’s so calming.

Most days, even my little Chihuahua Toby loves the weighted blanket. It takes him a bit to lift the blanket and get under it, but he will eventually get his adorable little ass under there. Some days you can kind of tell he just doesn’t have the energy, and so he just gets under the covers on Jamie’s side, instead.

I need to find a cover or duvet that fits over the blanket. It’s not like you can just easily throw it in the washer. The one I have is 45 pounds and is lots of small squares with BBs filling those squares. I am worried that during the summer it may be way too hot to sleep with my weighted blanket, but we like to keep the bedroom cold enough to hang meat in, so I should be okay. It does get a little toasty under the blanket, but if you are not tossing and turning, you really don’t realize it.

Not sure why I went on a weighted blanket tangent, but there it is. My “meh” mood is not from not sleeping; I sleeps good! Maybe I am hungry. I’m always hungry, and no, before you ask, I am not hung over. I did not have a single thing to drink last night — or for more than a week, actually. I have quit drinking for a bit. That might be the reason for my blah mood — my body is going into shock. It doesn’t know how to act without some Tito’s remnants in my blood stream.

Maybe I just need a Snickers. Or a Snickers martini. OMG! Did I just invent something fabulous?! I will let you know when I start drinking again in a few weeks.

OH SHIT! Maybe it is the Coronavirus! Actually, it’s more likely just freaking Texas allergies. I hate this time of year. All this tree sperm floating in the air is killing me. Every year, because of sinus problems, I lose my voice and get an annoying scratchy throat that leads to a stupid cough. But right now, if you cough even the smallest bit, people look at you like you have the plague.

I cough into my elbow or a hankie like you are supposed to, but the looks I get — I feel like a leper. If I called in sick to work or quarantined myself everytime I had a sinus issue, I’d be homeless. Come to think of it, my mood is most likely caused by the stupid sinus medications. I’m always feeling discombobulated and off. I like that word — discombobulated. It sounds cooler than it is — discombobulated.

So, yesterday I tried to not touch my face — you know, because the news has everyone freaked out. I thought, let me just try not to touch my face while I am in the grocery store. It started off well; I got the grocery cart, and I sanitized it. I used two of those wipes to really clean it. And I immediately rubbed my nose.


Let me start again; ten steps later I scratched my ear. Fuck!

The harder I tried not to touch my face, the more I touched it. I went through the same thing when I was 13 but with my penis instead of my face.

I bought a bunch of hand sanitizer and antibacterial soap to trick myself into thinking I am doing something. Maybe I should get those long-ass fake sculpted nails from the nail salon. I bet I would be much more aware of touching my face if I had those. But how do you wipe your ass with those on your hands?

Never mind; I don’t want to end up looking like that Peter Griffin meme where he has the long red nails. Lord knows, I hate to look ridiculous. (That is sarcasm, ladies and gentlemen. Looking ridiculous is my bread and butter. So long red nails it is!)

I’m so gay I couldn’t even masturbate if I had long red nails. Not to mention, I might accidently recircumcise myself. Although, it would be fun to file them while I am gossiping. I have always wanted to look like I work at the DMV.

Who would have thought that this column would have turned into weighing the pros and cons of having long red sculpted nails? I think I just put myself into a good mood! You just never know where the day is going to take ya. I hope you all make it a good day!

Remember to always love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO! Cassie Nova