Living in ‘The X-Files’

Hey y’all. ’Tis the season to shop. The only bad thing about this time of year is that I gotta stop shopping for myself and start shopping for other people. So annoying, am I right?

Just kiddin.

Kinda.

This last week something weird happened to me, and I wanna know if this kind of weird shit happens to anyone else. Y’all remember one of the best shows ever on television, The X-Files? Well, I had a very X-Files moment last week.

It all started when I woke up to take the dogs outside for their morning potty break. My husband had already left for work a few hours before I got up. I go to unlock the back door, and it is already unlocked. I figured the hubby just didn’t turn the lock when he took the dogs out earlier. But as I am waiting on the four slow pokes that take their time to pee, I start thinking about how much NOT locking the door creeps me out.

There was an episode of The X-Files that scarred me forever. The episode was called “Home,” and it was so freaking creepy. It had to do with incest, inbred deformed brothers and their quadruple-amputee mother living under the bed.

There is a scene where the sheriff of the small town the freaky family lives in tells Mulder and Scully that nothing bad ever happens in their town, so “We don’t even lock our doors at night.” Then later there is literally a scene where the sheriff and his wife are going to bed, and he walks over to the door as if to lock it. His hand moves towards the lock, but then he waves his hand at it, like, “Pshaw! We don’t even need to lock our doors in this safe little, small town.”

Then the inbred, deformed, creepy-as-hell-looking brothers walk right into the sheriff’s house and beat him and his wife to death with bats.

Ever since I watched that episode way back in, like, 1996, I have locked the door to my house the second I walk through the door. I am completely OCD about that one thing in particular.

So, as I am waiting for the dogs, I start thinking of that episode and how I literally think about it every time I lock a door. Then I think, “Ooooh! That might make a good subject for a future article for the Dallas Voice!” I forced myself to commit that to memory, so the next time I needed something to write about, I had this story ready to go.

Three days later, I am sitting in my car in a drive-thru, waiting for my tacos, and the line is moving SO slow! So, I do what we all do and start scrolling on Facebook. I scroll past ads and posts, and I am barely paying attention when I see this headline: “The most terrifying horror movie ever is an episode of The X-Files called ‘Home.’”

What the actual fuck? I know our phones listen to everything we say, but now they are reading our minds?! That is some X-Files-level shit. I never said anything to anyone about that thought or what I was planning to write about. It kinda freaked me out.

The website that posted the story about “Home” was one I’ve never even heard of, The Companion. Yet it was on my Facebook feed. Coincidence? Probably. Is it weird? Definitely.

Speaking of the The X-FilesThe X-files, I once though I was being abducted by aliens. True story.

This was years ago, and I borrowed Celeste Martinez’s car to drive to Longview for a show. I drove back after the show ended. Somewhere between

Longview and Canton, it got really foggy. Like, “I can’t see a thing” kinda foggy.

Then all of the sudden, the car started to lose power. The headlights started to dim; the radio started to lose volume — it sounded like the song started to slur. Every light on the dashboard dimmed to darkness, and I realized that the car was just coasting and starting to slow down.

It was horrifying! How many episodes ofThe X-Files have started just like this? I’m expecting my dumb ass to get sucked up into a bright light and anally probed (not the worst thing that could happen).

I didn’t see any bright lights. I couldn’t see anything, but I could hear cars, trucks and 18 wheelers zipping by me by what sounded like mere inches. I just knew I was about to be killed on the highway. The car was just coasting, so I pulled off at the first exit I found and then pulled off the side road into the first driveway I could find.

I still couldn’t see shit, and the fog was just getting thicker. I opened the door to check out my surroundings and realized I was parked in front of acemetery.

That’s when I heard something moving in the grass.

NOPE!
I got back in the car and manually locked the doors. This was before most people had cell phones, so I was just stuck there in the dark, and I was getting cold. I put on a few of my drag outfits from the backseat and settled in to go to sleep.

Eventually, I found a police officer who had parked nearby (I saw his lights). After I scared the shit out of him and almost got shot, he drove me to the Tasty Freeze to use the phone. Apparently, it was the alternator, but it felt like an alien abduction to me.

Fucking X-Files! I am ruined for life!

Remember to always love more, bitch less and be fabulous!

– XOXO, Cassie Nova