What makes someone hot?

Hello everyone. Today I have a story for you. It is a true story; for some, it will not be an easy story. First, I want to say if you are a member of my family, stop reading this right now. If you offend easily, stop reading this right now.

This story involves sex, both straight and gay. If that bothers you, stop reading this right now.

Seriously.

I will try not to be too graphic in my description of said acts, but, for comedic and factual purposes, I will have to share some of the vulgar details. Choose wisely before you read on; you have been warned.

The year was 1980-something, and I was in the 7th grade. My younger sister and I were at our dad’s place for the weekend. Many of you have experienced the divorced parents drama, so you understand. It was Dad’s turn to take care of us heathens, but he also had plans to go out that night. So he told us there was stuff in the kitchen for sandwiches, and he was outta there. (By the way, “stuff in the kitchen” meant potted meat and white bread. He kept that stuff stocked. He also always seemed to have those canned shoestring potato chips, so we were set.)

It was a Friday night; I know that because I remember watching Friday Night Videos. It was the only time you could watch music videos if you didn’t have MTV. We stayed up late watching that and whatever crap movies they played on late night television.

Around 1 a.m., my dad comes home, but he is not alone. He has a woman with him. Now this is where the story gets a little controversial: She was — how can I put this nicely? She was, ummm, somewhat unattractive. Okay, real talk:

She was ugly. She had really bad skin, curly brown hair and exceptionally small teeth that looked like chicklets. On the upside, she had a nice body with big boobs.

Look: I know I sound like a complete asshole, but this is the only way I can tell the story.

She introduced herself as “Pieface.” Then they basically ran to Dad’s bedroom. I looked at my sister Brandy and asked, “Did she say Pieface?” She just kind of nodded in disgust as we both busted out laughing.

The next morning, we were up early to watch cartoons, so we saw when they came out of his bedroom. She kissed him bye, and Brandy and I both stuck our fingers down our throats in the universal sign for “gag me.” The woman left and the two of us were immediately on Dad with questions like, “What the actual fuck, Dad?” And “Why do they call her Pieface?” And, “How could you? She was soooo gross!”

He kind of snickered to himself, then pointed at me and said, “You will understand one day, son.” Brandy and I just kept acting like we were gonna throw up and shaking our heads. I said, “Not me, I will never have a Pieface. She was grody to the max!” (It was the ’80s, after all.)

(Oh, and the name “Pieface” had something to do with her acne sometimes looking like meringue. I didn’t get it at the time, but now it’s just sad to me that she would allow herself to be called that.)

Luckily, soon after that, Dad met the love of his life and is still happily married to my stepmom, Lynn.

Okay. now fast-forward about 13 years. I am in my mid-20s, single and always ready to mingle. There is a guy that I see out at the clubs all the time who supposedly has a huge penis. For the purposes of this story, I will call him LG, for “long and girthy.” I was not attracted to him — at all. I actually thought of him as being ugly. I had heard from a few of my sluttier friends that he was a good time and that he was kind of into me. He was always offering to “give me a massage.” I thought it was kind of creepy — but cool or whatever. I was living my best life and just enjoying being young and dumb.

Then one night I was out dancing at the Village Station, and LG was there. I had been drinking Betty Fords all night, so I was having a great time. This was back when they had dollar drinks, and I had dollars. Then something clicked in me, and — many of you gay boys will know exactly what I am talking about — I suddenly went from dancing with friends to prowling for dick.

It was getting closer and closer to closing time, and I was not going to leave the club empty “handed.” I probably looked like a great white shark stalking prey through the water, but, in reality, I was just a horny little gay boy cruisin’ for some action.

That’s when I saw LG, and our eyes locked. Well, of course, I did the eye-to-crotch-and-back-again move a few times, and it was there, in all its glory. I could make out the entire shape of his dick through his jeans, and suddenly, I was very into him. He volunteered to give me a massage, and I was like, “Okay, I guess.” I played it cool, but inside I was doing backflips, thinking of playing with that big ol D! I was giddy as a schoolgirl!

We got back to my apartment, and I unwrapped him from his jeans like he was a Christmas present. Well Merry freakin’ Christmas to me! It was huge! It was one of the most beautiful penises I had ever seen. Even with both hands on it, there was still a lot to see. I was amazed.

Then I looked up slowly. Yes, yes nice abs … a nice chest … then his face. And for some reason, he wasn’t ugly to me anymore. His big dick had magically made him kinda cute. It was like magic from a fairy tale.

Then it hit me, LG was my Pieface. And in that moment, I understood what my Dad had been trying to tell me all those years before. I had never felt as close to my Dad as I did in that moment.

Don’t forget that Father’s Day is June 20. So Happy Father’s Day to all the daddies out there!

Remember to always love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova.