Sometimes you just need to bitch

Good day to you all. After focusing on such a heavy subject in my last article, I have decided to keep this one lighthearted and stupid. You know — keeping it in my wheelhouse. First, I will admit to the hypocrisy of what I am about to write. Get ready Debbie, because even though I end each column asking you to bitch less, I am about to complain about some things that have been bothering me.

(I feel like I just mentally pulled my pants up, like in cartoons when Daffy Duck is about to let someone have it. Granted he’s not wearing pants, but you get what I’m saying. Full disclosure: I am not wearing pants either.)

My husband and many of my friends are addicted to TikTok. I am not, but between the hubby and the others, I get sent about six TikToks a day. I honestly don’t mind because they know me, and they know my humor, so I feel like I get TikToks greatest hits. And I don’t have to sit through hours of mind-numbing videos of people who think they are entertaining.

I love the clips of dogs or any animal doing something cute or funny. I love a good prank or scare video. My favorites are the ones where someone does a voice over of animals, usually cats about to fight; cats saying, “I will beat your muthafuckin’ ass if you come in here wit yo shit” is freaking hilarious.

I love dirty jokes and nearly-naked hot guys doing manly stuff, like chopping wood or sucking dick. Wait — that might be a different app … Anywho …..

The TikTok trend I cannot fucking stand is the videos of people’s reactions to the clips they are sharing. I don’t need to watch you watch a video. I don’t care about your reaction. Just share the video. If you feel the need to make me watch you laugh at something or smile fondly when something nice happens to someone, I HATE YOU!

The worst are you fuckers that just nod and point to the other screen. I get it: You agree with whatever is being said. But I don’t need to see you. You look like a douche. Quit it!

(Let me take a deep breath; my blood pressure is going up.)

Okay, this next one really bothers me. And if you watched our Freakshow online while we were shut down and not working because of the pandemic, you already know about how I feel about Mr. Jim’s Pizza. I want to preface this by saying I don’t hate their food; it is just very underwhelming to me. That is just my opinion. But no one — and I mean NO ONE — is going to start calling pizza “sticky fingers.”

Every time I see that stupid commercial where he says, “We call it sticky fingers, but you will call it delicious,” I want to fucking scream: Dammit Jim! No one calls pizza “sticky fingers!” That is a horrible name!

Call it “greasy fingers” or anything else. “Sticky fingers” make me think you didn’t wash your hands after you jerked it, and now you are touching our pizzas. You nasty, Jim!

And, so help me God, if any of my friends ever call pizza “sticky fingers,” I will Will Smith your ass!
(Hold please; I need to calm down.)

Now for all of you people that say “110 percent” or anything other than 100 percent: Quit it!

Yes, this is another one of my biggest pet peeves. When you say you are doing something 100 percent, it means the absolute most you can do. By adding any other amount to this — 110, 200, 10 million percent, whatever it is — you ruin it.

When using 100 percent, you are showing us you gave it your all. Any other number makes me think you could have done more. You say 110 percent, I say why not 111 percent? Why not 165 percent? You have ruined the equation, and our contract that you have done everything you can is null and void.

Anything greater than 100 percent is impossible in my world. I don’t make my weird rules, but I live by them.
Okay, so, technically that is all I wanted to bitch about. But I still have some space to fill up so let me get really petty for this last annoyance.

Why do some of y’all wanna put your money in your mouth to tip an entertainer? That is so nasty, and now we have to act like we are not grossed out by your spit being on what is now our money. I usually say, “Gross!” while

I make a big production out of wiping your dollar on my clothes, because I am still gonna get that money.
The nerve of me — complaining about getting tipped! But hey, I can be thankful and annoyed; I am a complex being.

Once again, I’m being hypocritical. I’m making fun of y’all for putting dolla bills in your mouth, but I ain’t got no business. My mouth has been some places and has done some things. No, I am not proud of most of them but here we are. Thank Buddha for mouthwash.

Let me end this on a note of thankfulness: My last article was a heavy one for me, but I want to say thank you to those that reached out to me. Thank you for encouraging me to write and helping me believe in my own talents.

Self-doubt is a demon I fight daily, so thank you for helping me fight the demon.

Remember to always love more, bitch when you gotta and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova