Hello all. So last week was one of my own personal anniversaries. Nov. 1 was the anniversary of when I lost my virginity, many (many … many) years ago. Looking back, I realize that I was basically a teenage girl: I wrote in a diary (I called it a journal if anyone asked, but we all know what it was); I sketched in it; I practiced my autograph; I wrote my name with the last name of the boy I liked, and I wrote down the dates of the events in my life that I thought were important.
Good Lord! I really was a basic-ass teenage girl from every movie ever!
Now back to my virginity: I was very young, only 13. Seriously, one day in the October of my 13th year, puberty hit, and all I could think about was dick. By Nov. 1, I got some. It was with a friend I actually really liked.
Looking back, there was an element of shame and embarrassment involved. It took weeks before we could make eye contact with each other again, But a few weeks after that, we did it again. Then we did it about five more times. (I don’t know why I said “about;” it was exactly five more times … the diary doesn’t lie).
We were young and not sure how to process what we were doing. It always started with us wrestling; it always ended with fear and shame. Fear of what if we got caught, and fear of AIDS (I was 13, and had no access to information of any kind). I knew that the news talked about men dying from having sex with men, so I just wished, hoped and even prayed that everything was going to be okay. I would swear to myself that I was never going to do that again, then the wind would blow and I’d be a horny teenage boy again.
I can only imagine what it must be like for young gay kids today, considering the amount of information available online — good and bad. Being young and gay is scary enough, but I hope that it’s a little easier when you can get some of your questions answered immediately.
In my head, I think of that guy as my first boyfriend, which is kind of weird since he turned out to be “straight.” I often wonder if he even acknowledges in his own head what we did, because I know he would never admit it to anyone. I almost tried to track him down on Nov. 1, just to send him the message, “Happy Anniversary,” just to see if he would reply, and if so, what he might say. I’m sure he would say he had no idea what I was talking about, but part of me hopes that he would know exactly what I was talking about.
I hate when you find out that something that actually meant a lot to you meant nothing to others. I guess I am still a little bit of that basic-ass teenage girl. Who knew?
Dear Cassie:
I could really use some advice. My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years, and things are great. We do not have an open relationship, but a while back we downloaded Grindr onto his phone as a couple, mostly to see what was going on and if we knew anybody on there. We were curious, and since we missed out on the app hook up stuff, we thought it would be fun to check it out. Maybe we thought that one day we might like to have a threesome or something.
I never really thought of it as a big deal — until recently. When we got the app our profile name was very generic and showed us to be a couple, but had no pics of us.
We would look at guys, passing the phone back and forth and mostly making jokes, sometimes commenting on someone if they were hot, but nothing serious. Then a few days ago, I see a random dick pic on his phone as he is scrolling and I ask WTF? He said it was a dick of a guy on Grindr. I guess he liked it so he did a screen shot; it was a nice-looking dick. I rolled my eyes but didn’t make a big deal of it.
Since then I have not been able to stop thinking about him being on Grindr when I am not around. Last night, while he was sleeping, I went through his phone (we know the passwords to each other’s phones and have for years. He has changed the Grindr profile name to his name and added a picture of himself. There were no messages from anyone except from a friend that we both know and I know is not someone he is interested in. But he has to be talking to guys on there if he is getting to see dick pics. He has never given me a reason not to trust him until this.
I am not sure how to proceed. I can’t sleep. I feel I have a right to be angry, but also feel like maybe I am the one that made it seem okay for him to do this. I’m hurt. I’m angry. I’m frightened. I’m confused. I thought I was enough for him, but what if I am not?
Signed, Sleepless In Saginaw
Dear Sleepless:
You have every right to be angry and hurt. This feels deceptive. Confront him and ask every question that you need to ask. You need to find out if the rules of your relationship have changed, and if they have, he needs to be honest with you. Everything about this feels shady. Trust is one thing that once it is lost is so hard to get back.
You need to nip this in the bud. Talk to him as soon as possible. Get him to explain his actions, but prepare yourself for the worst. See how far this app nonsense has gone. Can you forgive him if he has cheated? Could you be in an open relationship? Do not let him tell you that you are over-reacting. I think anyone in this situation would lose their shit and blow up.
There is trouble on the horizon my friend, but how are you gonna handle it? With love and forgiveness or anger and hostility? I hope a little of both. Good luck.
Love, Cassie
Now if you would forgive me, I must depart from you. My dog Lucy has the worst gas and has been farting so much it sounds like Morse code, and if I do not take her outside immediately, I may vomit. So I bid you adieu. Remember to always love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova
