Traditional family values?

State Sen. Angela Paxton and Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton are getting divorced for “biblical reasons,” according to Sen. Paxton. But now that a judge has ordered all proceedings in their divorce to remain private and confidential, what those biblical reasons are we can only guess. So, I’ve done the speculating for you so you don’t have to.

A good place to start would be with the Ten Commandments. (This will also be a useful guide for all you Texas teachers who will be posting the Ten Commandments in your classrooms this fall.)

The first four commandments are the “God” commandments. They include things like “You shall have no other gods before me.”

Did Ken think that one was referring to himself? Would Angela divorce him for that? Maybe.

The second commandment orders us not to make idols. And we’re not talking American Idols; this isn’t about Kelly Clarkson. It’s about pottery.

I think we can toss that one out as the cause for divorce. Nobody’s accused Ken of taking up sculpture.

“You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain,” is number three. After all those years together, were the Paxtons in bed when she started screaming, “Oh, God! Oh, God!” and Ken thought she was referring to him? Maybe.

But if the sex was really that good, would she be divorcing him?

“Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy” is number four. “Shabbat,” the Hebrew word from which we get the word “Sabbath,” means simply “Saturday.”

Was Ken not keeping Saturday holy? He probably violated this commandment weekly. But would Angela divorce him just for that?

Number five is “Honor your father and mother.” I don’t know what the relationship is between either of the Paxtons and their respective parents. But is there anything there that would call for divorce? Not likely.

Next on the list is “Do not murder.” Based on her voting record as a state senator and his record as attorney general, Angela and Ken think there’s a loophole in there regarding transgender youth.

But no; it’s the shortest commandment, nice and clear. It doesn’t say unless the victim is trying to play girls sports or unless the victim was trying to pee.

The commandment most likely to be the basis for Angela Paxton’s biblical divorce filing is number seven: “You shall not commit adultery.”

But under biblical law, it’s the husband of the man or woman Ken was diddling who would have the right to complain, not Ken’s own wife.

In fact, Angela should be happy it was only an occasional dalliance. Biblical marriage was between a man and as many wives and concubines as he could afford through securities fraud or other sources of income.

Number eight is “Don’t steal.” Well, no one’s ever accused Ken of stealing. Securities fraud, yes, but those charges have been dismissed.

Number nine is “Don’t bear false witness against your neighbor.” That would include lying under oath. But the commandment is about lying about your neighbor, not about yourself.

And Ken wasn’t convicted after his impeachment. And Angela, as a senator, voted for him.

No, this biblical reason she’s divorcing him must stem from something much more recent.

Finally, we are commanded not to covet our neighbor’s house, ass or wife. This one seemingly overlaps with that adultery one, but not really.

It does tell us what people in biblical times thought of women — as property equivalent to a building or farm animal.

This one’s about just coveting those things your neighbor has. Number seven is about actually having sex with them (the women, not the farm animals).

But in the first five books of the Bible, also known as the Torah, there are more than 600 other commandments. And Angela, being the religious politician she is, known for caring for the sick and feeding the hungry, could have been referring to any of them.

Was Ken porking his secretary or was he just eating pork (or shellfish). Both are discouraged, and both would be equally valid biblical reasons for divorce.

Or maybe Ken was lying with a man as he does with a woman. Another perfectly valid biblical reason to split.

Or maybe that damned commandment not to oppress the weak was gnawing at her craw, and she threw him out for that.

Oh well. Thanks to the judge’s order protecting these two public officials’ privacy, we’ll never know for sure.

David Taffet is Senior Staff Writer at Dallas Voice