- Meredith Viera
So maybe I’m not the best one to offer relationship advice, but in this case, I think I can help.
On the Today Show Thursday morning, Kiri Blakeley promoted her new book, Can’t Think Straight. Here’s NBC’s promo for the segment:
Kiri Blakeley, whose memoir “Can’t Think Straight” describes the shock she experienced when she learned her fiance of 10 years was secretly pursuing relationships with men, tells Meredith Vieira that she “couldn’t get as angry” as she would have if he’d been having an affair with a woman.
Let’s start with “fiance of 10 years.” Really? After 10 years, she thought they were getting married soon?
In the video, she said her fiance didn’t fit any of the stereotypes of what a gay man should be, so she didn’t know. Really? In this day and age you think gay men only fit stereotypes?
But what clues might she have picked up on? They weren’t having much sex anymore. They weren’t seeing each other as much anymore (because he’s spending time with his boyfriend). They weren’t having much sex anymore. And the biggest clue? They weren’t having much sex anymore.
A recent study at University of Texas found that 50 percent of men would take back their girlfriends if she had an affair with another woman. Only 21 percent of women would take back their boyfriends if they had affairs with other men.
Probably the men would take back their girlfriends because two women having sex is a common heterosexual fantasy. The women are more practical. Chances are if a man is having sex with other men, he’s coming out.
Conversely, 28 percent of women would stick with their boyfriends who had a heterosexual affair but only 22 percent of men would stick with a girlfriend who had a heterosexual affair.
Of course, just because someone tries sex with a member of the same sex doesn’t make that person gay or lesbian. But if they’re having an ongoing relationship with a member of the same sex, it usually does mean they’re gay, lesbian or bisexual.
But here’s my real relationship advice to Blakeley and anyone else who wants advice from someone who’s really bad at relationships. If you’ve been engaged for 10 years, the relationship’s not going anywhere. If you haven’t moved in with each other and your sex life is already diminishing (as Blakeley admits on Today), the relationship is really, really not going anywhere. It won’t get better if you marry.
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Dear Dumb Blogger:
Of course we lived together, um, for TEN YEARS. What makes you assume I wanted to get married and he didn’t? Dumb assumption. And completely wrong. What makes you think we weren’t spending much time together? We were together all of the time, except when he was at work or one of us was traveling. What makes you think we weren’t having sex? Never said that, dummy. I said it slowed down. So that doesn’t happen after a decade? You must be hopped up on steroids, dummy. Oh and yes, he “tried” sex with the sex. In fact, had it for years. Um, I think that makes you leaning towards gay. Oh, and did I mention HE was the one who wanted to get married, and pressed for it? Like two weeks before he came out? Boy, you are dumb. And who said that I had gay stereotypes? I said that because OTHER people do. Because from day one people have been telling me that I should have known because he must have shown me SIGNS. I was trying to correct the stereotype, dummy. You sure are dumb. Guess that is why you write for a dumb blog that no one reads. Except me. Guess that does make me dumb!
Dear Dumb author who appeared on Today,
Makes me thank God every day that I’m not straight. And, by the way, “engaged” means you want to get married (or are just trying to sell books).
Dear Dumb Blogger:
Are you just too lazy or too stupid to read the book? I explain why were engaged but had not yet gotten married. How about actually doing some research before you make dumb commentary? Also, since you are gay, I assume you are not in a relationship. I mean, you could not be, unless you are legally married. Because otherwise, the relationship does not count, and something must be wrong with it. Like maybe your partner is secretly straight? Or perhaps you live in one of the few states that allows gay marriage? According to your thinking, Britney Spears’ two minute marriage was more valid than my ten year relationship, correct? Because hers was legal? And yes, I got engaged because one day I hoped that my fiance would engage in a double life for years and I’d be able to write a book about it. He fell right into my devious plan! Bwahahahaha!!!
I’m curious what you would say to all of those in the LGBT community who are not legally married but have had commitment ceremonies? These cannot be valid loving relationships, you say? Or how about half of Europe, whose marriage stats have continually dwindled? My, you put a lot of store in an institution that rejects your choice of life partner.
I never heard of your book until yesterday so no, I have not read it. I’m not criticizing you for not being married. I’m questioning what YOU said on the air yesterday – that you were “engaged” for 10 years.
What do I say to same-sex couples who cannot marry? It’s criminal that we’re not allowed to marry.
Dear Dumb Blogger:
Yes, I was engaged for ten years. What of it? Why do you have a problem with that? We had a fully committed relationship. Everything from spending virtually every waking moment together to seeing each other through deaths of family members to comforting each other on 9/11. Like many other couples, we got comfortable and didn’t make it legal. As I say in the book you haven’t read, that was more me than him. Because I come from a long line of divorce and didn’t have married role models. He did, and he always wanted to get married. I think it is criminal too. However, many people choose to live together and not get married. How does this somehow invalid the relationship or be a clear sign of cheating/double life? If you bothered to read the book you would see that my ex and I maintain a very loving, very complex, very close relationship. Which we have to this day. Don’t throw around the word “dumb” unless you have some semblance of an idea of what you are talking about.
No problem and the criticism is really of the entire segment. I understand you’re taking it personally. Meredith’s questions were awful. The surrounding commentary was bad and didn’t help your book. And NBC’s promo of the segment is what set me off.
I have no problem with your being engaged for 10 years. My sarcastic point was that after 10 years of being engaged, marriage is not going to happen. I know lots of gay men who’ve married women for all the wrong reasons. It’s a very unfair thing to do.
Imagine if I said “I thank god every day I’m not gay.” You’d love that, wouldn’t you?
And that’s exactly what people tell us every day. I know you’re mad at me for the post so have at me.
Marriage WAS going to happen. It was about to happen. I finally agreed that it was the thing to do. It would have happened a year into the relationship, if I had wanted it. Anyway, I accept your explanation, and I’m sorry if the segment offended you. They film for 4 hours and only a few minutes end up on air, so it is not going to be the full picture by any stretch of the imagination. Hopefully those who go buy the book will get the real story. Bye!
Sounds like a certain Texas blogger is jealous they didn’t come up with the concept for the book or most likely that his writings don’t amount enough to create a brochure for couples counseling.
Perhaps before you throw a temper tantrum David for not being noticed by the “Today” show, a national publication. men, family or friends you READ the book before you criticize it. You really do come off sounding like a REALLY DUMB BLOGGER.
Ah, good. She got her friends to comment.
Temper tantrum? I was laughing at the stupid segment – which I blame on Today.
Laughing? I doubt that but whatever helps you sleep at night. If you want people to take you seriously, take your writings, blog posts, whatever it happens to be seriously do the work, do the research, don’t just rely on a search on google for one study that you clearly didn’t read completely.
You should stop living up to the gay stereotype of being so judgmental, do the appropriate research and then post an opinion. Or is reading a book really that challenging to you?
A friend? No, I personally don’t know the author but I am reading her book and I did see the show yesterday. I know I’m pointing out the obvious here, but I did more work than you did.
Yes, a really dumb blogger. And worse, a stereotypical gay man. Oh no she didn’t!
Keep laughing at the “stupid” segment. Yes, soooo stupid, you had to blog about it. Moron. But hey, after all now, Kiri Blakeley’s book-the one you only heard about yesterday (Oh, the brainiac comments keep coming) did finally get you some publicity – be happy gay man.
David: Don’t hate on her TV segment. Read the damn book. And no, I’m not a “friend” of hers who she got to comment here. But I have read the book. And you are way off. Just looking for someone to pick on today, eh?
People are so quick to judge others’ situations. Did you need to feel better about your life, David? I have to ask… do you feel good now after this exchange?
OK OK OK. I will read the book. I stand by – this was one of the worst segments I’ve seen on Today in a long time. Like I said, I was taking off from the publicity NBC was using. The author says the segment was edited. It was edited poorly. I thought Meredith’s questions were insipid.
I’m not in the office today so I’ll get in touch with the publisher on Monday.
Reading the book can change an opinion. I did a 180 on Chely Wright when I read her book. I hated the publicity on it, but I liked her in the book and when she was here for Black Tie she was absolutely delightful.
Obviously, author & critic are not friends. I have read the book & did see the show … My sincere suggestion, do not title your story with “Features Really Dumb Author!” Not kind in any sort of way. Whether you agree or disagree with your synopsis of her life, doesn’t matter. An interview is only as good as the interviewer … and if Meredith would keep her trap shut & let her “guests” answer the questions posed, the show could be better.
I actually don’t know any of these people personally but I have friended a lot of people who saw the segment and read the book and I posted your link in my FB site. Hey, it’s good to have readers even if they don’t agree with you. I just think most women in this situation want to be described as “dumb.” What is dumb is men who cheat and lie. What is dumb is society oppressing people for their sexual orientation. I think we can all agree on what is dumb here, and it’s not me.
I meant to say do NOT want to be described as dumb. Typing fast!
I think my previous comment didn’t post– but anyway, David, I don’t personally know the people posting– I assume they saw the segment and read the book and are on my FB list. If Meredith and Today were the target of your attacks, perhaps you should have called THEM “dumb.” Other women in this situation are not dumb. The lack of a marriage certificate does not set off alarm bells of “gay and living double life.” Men who lie and cheat are dumb. People who oppress others are dumb. People who deny their realities are dumb. But not those who choose to believe in the ones whom they love.
David, you probably should not read my book. You don’t strike me as the type who would understand that when I say that people asked me if I’d seen any “signs” (as Meredith did) and I respond that there were no “Liberace CDs under the bed,” that I’m making fun of the stereotype. That I’m being sarcastic. No doubt you will read it and then I’ll get a diatribe about that. Luckily, my gay friends here in nyc have a wicked sense of humor and laughed the loudest throughout my recent reading.
I am so intrigued by this dialogue and exchange. The choice of words. I don’t think misunderstanding comes so much about a person being gay or straight. A lot of the disconnect is about gender and how men and women view relationships and commitment and trust. Let’s do the work within and practice opening our hearts and minds to acceptance and love.
I have just lived through exactly what Kiri went through. I HAVE read her book and I did see the segment. Bottom line, unless you have lived through having your significant other look you in the eye, heard him you what you always wanted to hear, had him convince you to buy into the fairy tale only to find he was living a lie and dragging you into it with him, you can’t get it. These men put our lives at risk, they lied to us and they broke our hearts- in the cruelest, most unimaginable way! Oh and did I mention, a lot of these men are cheating with MARRIED You can empathize but believe me, you don’t get it! It is sickening, selfish and cruel!
I don’t know how that just posted… should have said, “A lot of these met are cheating with MARRIED men!
I am not liking the automatic typing that changes what you really wrote. Sorry for the typo’s!
Keri and David seem like they could be any of my friends, co-workers and neighbors. After reading David’s other articles and watching Keri in the video I think there is misunderstanding between them instead of complete disagreement. I can see why Aaron wanted to be around Keri. And I can see why Keri keeps posting to David. They’re both smart people when seen beyond ratings grabbing TV segments and blogs.
I agree that TV promos often set an offensive tone for an up coming segment and that in today’s culture calling another person dumb in a headline sets an offensive tone. And the psychiatrist’s commentary on sexual continuum , a pre-Masters and Johnson popular myth outdated by five decades, creates an atmosphere for misunderstanding.
Mostly I agree that the root of the situation isn’t a gay or straight problem but rather Aaron’s personal behavior of cheating and deceiving.
I’m still trying to figure out why I’m “dumb.” Because I didn’t have a marriage certificate? Considering what happened, I’d say that was pretty smart!
@Kiri…I’m gonna let you in on a secret…don’t tell anyone…gay or straight, men are pigs 😀 I guess it’s just in their make up to insult and demean women…gay men are no different…stories get out about men found cheating on their wives with another man ALL the time…gay blogs love these stories…instead of calling the guy a lying cheating bastard, it’s actually more fun to call the victim a stupid bitch or in your case, dumb. For any cheating partner, I’m sure there were all kinds of signs regardless of the genders of those involved but do we make fun of ALL people who don’t see them? I am sure David did not mean to offend you personally but Dallas is known for SGS (Snarky Gay Syndrome) and they love blogs like this. Oops, here I go generalizing large portions of our population.
I have not read Kiri’s book, and this is the first time I’ve read this blog. I followed a link to here. However, after reading an extensive interview involving Kiri, her story reminded me of the very first couple for whom I took wedding photos. They had been together just over 10 years before they got married. For all of the reasons that are no one’s business, they simply lived together for 10 years, were engaged for the last five of those years, then decided it was time to get married. That was 1984, and they are still married. It happens. So an author, baring her private pain, is called “dumb” by a guy who didn’t even read the book. Well, just proves that anyone can be a critic, whether they’re talented or not.