Dear Candy,
The holiday season can be tough for my partner and me. He doesn’t have a good relationship with his family, and he gets very anxious when he’s surrounded by my hectic family. Is there anything I can do to maybe help him enjoy quality time with my family, or would it do more harm than good?
— Wanting to Help
Dear Wanting,
First, it’s good you are aware of the family dynamics of your partner. Plus, you’re sensitive to his anxiety around your family during the holidays. Second, it’s never a harmful thing to do to communicate with your partner — when it’s done in a respectful, sane way.
I’m sure you’re curious about what is going on with your partner around your family. Ask him to tell you how it is to be with your family during the holidays.
You mentioned hectic. Let’s see what he says about them. Then, after listening to him, ask him if there is anything you can do to help him enjoy the visit with them. If he says yes, see if that’s something you’re willing to do. If not, let him know that, too.
Sometimes, just having you listen to him may be enough to help him through another holiday. You might also ask him what he himself can do to help himself manage his emotions during these holiday visits.
The goal here is for both of you to celebrate the holidays together and with family in an enjoyable way. I’m sure you two can make this happen.
Good Luck,
Candy
Dear Candy
I am a trans male working on my marriage to my wife of nine years. I began my transition in 2015 and, at first, it was kind of a shock but it seemed ok. Now, almost five years later, we are fighting to keep our marriage together. It seems like the only thing holding us together are our two kids. I don’t want to lose hope, but I don’t want to keep her miserable.
— Losing Hope
Dear Losing,
Transitioning itself comes with many twists and turns. Transitioning is not done in a vacuum. As you’ve alluded, there are other people who are also impacted by these twists and turns.
This is an excellent time to take your marriage to a licensed marriage and family counselor, and work these twists and turns out with a professional.
Your marriage is about two people. You both need to present to a counselor how the conversations go in your marriage. The marriage counselor will not tell you what you should do but will help you two have a better conversation. You will learn to say what you want to say, so your spouse can hear you, and vice versa.
This is not a one conversation and done. The journey is about learning the skills to better communicate. You and your wife will figure out how your relationship will look going forward.
Good luck,
Candy
