We have no idea if this is an appropriate Shmini Atzeret greeting or not. For all we know about the holiday, the right greeting may be have a stinkin day.
Happy Shmini Atzeret, my absolute favoritest Jewish holiday.
Shmini Atzeret begins tonight and what a wonderful celebration. Or sad day. Or day of … well, we don’t have any idea what the hell Shmini Atzeret celebrates. We just know it’s a holiday that shares the same day as another holiday, but stands as a holiday on its own. You gotta love it.
I’ve talked about why I hate Channukah here and here and here. But I’ve never talked about Shmini Atzeret, the greatest Jewish holiday of them all.
We really, really don’t know what Shmini Atzeret celebrates. Shmini means eighth in Hebrew. Atzeret is gathering or assembly. So it’s celebrated as the eighth day of assembly or the holiday of Sukkot, the harvest festival or Jewish Thanksgiving, which began this year on Oct. 8 and ends this evening as Simchat Torah begins. Simchat Torah is when Jews finish reading the last verses of the Torah for the year and begin over again with the first lines of Genesis.
Here are my reasons I love Shmini Atzeret:
Reason 1: Shmini, as I like to call it for short, doesn’t get its own day. It shares a holiday. That’s kind of like last year when we celebrated Thankgivikuh, when Hannukah fell on Thanksgiving. So Shmini is an underdog holiday that doesn’t get its own day. Poor Shmini. I love you though.
Reason 2: Leviticus and Numbers command that Shmini is its own separate holiday and should be celebrated. What neither book tells us is what we’re celebrating. That’s kind of like Christmas where everyone buys presents and if you say Happy Holidays, you’re fighting a war on poor Christmas, because you have no idea why you’re bankrupting yourself with shopping. You just do it, because otherwise you’re discriminating against Christians. So I love a holiday that celebrates nothing other than because I said so.
Reason 3: There’s no special food for Shmini. Do you know how greasy my kitchen gets every Hanukah making latkas — potato pancakes — the official food of the Chanukkuh season? You know what a pain in the ass it is to change all the dishes for Passover and then use only products made by Manischewitz, a division of Bain Capital? And blintzes for Shavuot? Yuk. I can’t stand blintzes. And the Biblical mandate to go out for Chinese food on Christmas? Um, OK, well, I like that one.
But Shmini is the no fuss, no muss holiday. Eat whatever the hell you want. This holiday doesn’t even rate its own food. I think I’ll go out for Italian. Maybe a good Shmini lasagne.
Reason 4: On Sukkot, there are prayers everyday. On the eighth day, you don’t have to say them, not all of them anyway. What a fucking great holiday. On Yom Kippur, the damn prayers go on all day. I’m talking start early morning and don’t stop until sunset. Shmini is really the holiday all us lazy Jews really have to love, because it requires even less than Chanuka.
Reason 5: There’s no dreadful Shmini Atzeret music to sing. For some reason, Jews are really good at writing Christmas carols but really bad at writing music for Jewish holidays. “White Christmas.” “Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer” “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas.” “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire.” Jews wrote ’em. For the Jewish holidays, what have we got? That damn dreidl song for Chanukah and for Passover, “Dayenu,” a song that’s as repetitive and annoying as “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.”
Reason 6: Stupid name. OK, let’s face it. The name sounds more like Shmini Mouse than a serious Jewish holiday. S-H-M. MMMM it’s Shmini Atzeret. I-N-I. I really love Shmini. M-O-U-S-E.
