I have some very funny Facebook friends.
No, seriously. They are quick-witted. So as soon as word broke that a new pope had been selected, my news feed was inundated with quotable lines. (Note: There’s a genuine history of new pope jokes. When Polish-born John Paul II was elected, I remember, “How do you choose a pope? Take a Pole!”) Here, then, are some of my favorites (starting with my own bit of blasphemy):
“I understand the next pope will be chose from a roster of Cardinals. If that’s the case, I hope they pick Matt Holliday [above]. Hubba hubba! He can baptize me any time.”
“This is so exciting! I can’t wait to see who the next leader of NAMBLA will be!”
“I could not be more pope-‘d out had he molested me himself.”
“Spoiler alert: Once again, I’ve been passed over for the papacy.”
“Th new pop is chosen — let the Hunger Games begin.”
“Curtains moving … new pope sneaking a peak like an anxious actor pre-show?”
“The new pope will receive a 2014 Lincoln Town Car, a brand new wardrobe courtesy of Eileen Fisher and a lifetime supply of Tresseme hair care products.”
“Apparently, Donald Trump is already clamoring for the new pope’s birth certificate and college transcripts.”
“I think the pope band is lip synching.”
“I’ll be really sad with the old pope takes his last walk down the runway. .. Look closely for the phony smiles on the faces of all the other top contenders.”
“I just saw some white smoke and got really excited but I think someone dropped a cig in my trash can.”
(Upon hearing the new pope was from Argentina:) “Is he a Nazi war criminal coming out of hiding?”
“Really? Pope Francis? That sounds a little light in the red Prada loafers.”
