When it comes to love, it seems we often focus on finding it in a romantic sense. Many yearn to find “the one,” and sometimes, in that journey, we forget to focus on self-love.
It can be a journey to find that self-love, especially when we belong to a community that is currently under attack. But believe me, self-love and acceptance are two of the most important relationships we will ever have.
As members of the LGBT community, it can be hard for some of us to learn to love ourselves after years of ridicule, harassment and bullying. And that doesn’t even include the constant political attacks on our human rights.
Many in our community are looked at as “less than” by those same people who have caused much of these issues. Sadly, when this happens, it can cause many to feel like they truly aren’t good enough.
But that’s a lie. You are good enough. We are good enough.
As I was growing up in West Texas, it was obvious I was “different.” My mom even said, “When you were born you had the loudest cry I had ever heard.” (To this day, apparently, I still do.)
She said at that moment she knew I was going to be different. And she was right.
I remember being that kid who often couldn’t sit still, was very talkative and loud in class, would sometimes say very random things and (heaven forbid) had more feminine interests than most boys my age. It’s not that I didn’t want to be “one of the boys,” it was that when I tried, I was met with homophobic slurs.
So I found myself dancing with the girls at recess or isolating myself from my peers in the school library or writing in my journal.
These things may not seem too strange to a lot of people these days. But when you’re a young boy in a small town, you are expected to meet certain standards. You can’t be feminine. You can’t show affection towards your male peers.
Honestly, years hearing things like “Stop being such a sissy” and “Why can’t you butch it up?” messed with my head. I’m being very vulnerable about this for the first time because it wasn’t until a few years back that I finally began to realize there is nothing wrong with loving myself for being my true self.
One thing I love about living here in Dallas is the amount of people I see walking down Cedar Springs, on any given day, expressing themselves through their clothing, their makeup, their art. It reminds me of why so many try to get out of their small towns: to feel free to truly be themselves. I know that was a big reason why I moved.
Thing is, some people often try to make it seem as though the things that make some of us stand out the most, the things that our true loved ones enjoy most about our company, are always negative.
Sure, there are times when if you’re just naturally loud (like me) it might be best to talk with a lower tone of voice or maybe not curse as much in certain settings. But learning to love our own quirks, especially when people have insulted these quirks, can definitely be a long journey.
That journey didn’t really, fully begin for me until I relocated to Dallas.
There was a big part of me that had trouble being confident in my true self when I first got here. Most of my life, I was criticized for being loud and random, for dressing a bit different, for wearing makeup and painting my nails black — just marching to the beat of my own drum.
I turned a bit shy because I worried how others would perceive me once they got to know me.
I also struggle with a major anxiety disorder that people don’t understand. I was called “crazy” many times, which led me to believe for the longest time that I wasn’t worthy of love or even true friendships.
I remember one person who, after a few months of good friendship, began showing a lot of gaslighting tendencies. He knew which buttons to push and all the things to say to upset me.
Then when I would get upset, he would sit there with a smile and say things like, “Stop being such a f****t.” Unfortunately, I was so attached to him and his toxicity, so afraid to lose his friendship, that I began to believe it was all my fault.
I began to believe, once again, all those things people used to call me.
But here I am, years later, continuing my journey of self-love. So many in our community are met with negativity, even within our own community. People can truly be extremely nasty and rude, whether in person or on the apps.
Don’t get me wrong: I have behaved that way in the past; I’m not going to act like I didn’t. I think many of us have, whether it was fueled by insecurities, trauma, liquid courage or whatever.
But as I’ve grown, I’ve learned that you catch more flies with honey. Yes, it’s cliché. But even though it’s a crazy and cruel world out there, we should be kind to each other.
Why did I kind of change the topic a bit? Well, first, because as I mentioned earlier I can be extremely random sometimes. And second, because once I started learning to be kinder to others, to smile, to practice empathy more, I began to see how many of those insecurities I had slowly began to fade away.
That’s not to say I don’t still have bad days. I’m human. And so are you, and it’s okay if you have some bad days.
Even though my journey to self-love has been an extreme roller coaster, I have realized that when you put positive energy out there, it can become easier to learn to love yourself. It doesn’t matter if people say negative things; let them talk.
As long as you can look at yourself in the mirror, be happy with yourself and tell yourself that you’re worthy of love and respect, that is a success. The relationship with yourself is the one you should be focused on.
Never allow anyone to make you think that you’re not good enough. You are. As RuPaul says, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?”