How to do what’s wrong right
HOWARD LEWIS RUSSELL | Special Contributor
askhoward@dallasvoice.com
Dear Howard,
I recently visited a former college roommate of mine from UT now living in Denver. After a few six packs and tokes, we got to talking about sex. Then he started bragging that he’s been to bed with over 1,000 men since he was 16. We’re both now 32. I’ve had sex with less than a tenth his number. Should I consider an intervention for him — for sex addiction, I mean? — Jake M.
Dear Mr. M,
Exactly how sexually undesirable are you, Jake?
Let’s break down the statistics here: A single gay man of 32, who has been sexually active since 16, would only be averaging 62 trysts per year to equal 1,000 partners; or, fewer than six penises per month. Hell, Jake, take it from a former New Yorker, where six penises per week isn’t remotely unusual: If you ever stage an intervention for someone’s “sex addiction,” then you need to first take a hard look in the mirror regarding why your green-eyed jealousy has superseded a long-term friendship.
Dear Howard,
I started dating a guy a lot older than me that I met at a leather bar. I have to be his submissive and let his buddies play with me if he wants them to. All of them wear different colored handkerchiefs in their back pockets. I’ve been ordered to memorize what each color means. I’ve no idea what my Master is even talking about. Help? — Noel
Dear Noel,
First, slave boy, your grammar sucks: “I started dating a guy a lot older than I whom I met at a leather bar,” is how your opening salvo should read. Second, it’s the fault of your old “Master” for not clueing you in on back-pocket colored handkerchiefs: FYI, they’re a ‘70s retro-throwback which, for some totally unfathomable reason, seems to be making a kitschy comeback of late. Still, as with everything else now of our 21st century that has supposedly been made so much user-friendly and easier, one practically needs a master’s in masochism just to know even the names of all the new handkerchief colors, say nothing of the sexual proclivities each color represents.
Hankies worn on the left mean you’re a “pitcher;” hankies on the right, a “catcher.” A black handkerchief represents heavy SM, grey is bondage, red is FF (look that up!), blue is bareback, lilac is fondness for dildos, yellow means you’re into water sports, peach is C&B torture, orange-beige is anything/anytime … and on, and on and on.
For a complete list of color codes’ meanings, visit MenOfPalmSprings.com/abbreviations.
Dear Howard,
I have a dirty question— literally. I won’t be offended if you consider it too filthy to answer, but I would appreciate hearing what you have to say on this topic. Here goes: I’ve been dating a guy recently (conservatively handsome and clean-cut) who I really like a lot, but out of nowhere the other night he straddled my face and devilishly asked if I ever get into “nasty sex,” which of course I enthusiastically panted, “Sure!” And that’s when he dropped his “bomb” on me — for real, if you know what I mean. The freaky thing, though, Howard, is that I wasn’t repulsed; instead, I was more, oh, curiously . . . turned-on than anything else. What does that say about me? How taboo is this? Am I a total sexual deviant? — David
Dear David,
Oh, crap. OK, I knew this question had to be just a matter of time: Dave, there are only two totally deviant sexual taboos: 1. Non-consensual sex; 2. Sex with a minor. Everything else, dear dirty, filthy boy, is wide open; just as the bumper sticker states, “It’s Only Kinky the First Time.”
Granted, scat isn’t exactly everyone’s cup of bedroom tea, or even many people’s; nonetheless, as long as you’re both over 18 and consensually agreeable, all anyone else outside your bedroom truly may request (with any legitimate say in the matter) is that you both please wash up before heading back out into the public again afterwards.
Have a question about etiquette, love, life or work that needs an answer? Send your problem to AskHoward@dallasvoice.com and he may answer it.
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition June 27, 2014.
