Jenny Block explores the Woulds of relationships
You see them all the time on Facebook: “Would you sleep in this haunted mansion for $10,000?” “Would you give up social media for free vacations for life?” “Would you punch your best friend in the face for $1,000?” Most of them are silly and irrelevant. But some of them make you wonder, even for just a second: Would I?
There’s less than a millionth of a chance that you’ll ever be presented with a haunted mansion or free lifetime vacations. But if you are in a long-term relationship, or in the pursuit of one, you will be presented with all sorts of quandaries that will leave you asking yourself “Would I?”
It’s an important question — really, many discrete questions — to ask before you commit to relationship. Would I be OK if my partner already has children? What if s/he still had a close relationship with the child’s other parent? What if they had a contemptuous or even violent/dangerous relationship with that other parent? What if the child is an infant? What if the child faces severe health challenges?
What about family relationships? Would you be cool with your partner having an aging parent or a wayward sibling living with them? What about parents that your significant other insisted on consulting for every decision? Or someone who went to their parents as a source of income?
Even the seemingly mundane is vital to consider. Would you move to another city? Another state? Would you give up a pet or take on his eight cats? Are you OK with a television in the bedroom? Would you be willing to live in a house packed with clutter? Would you be willing to leave behind your favorite food? Would you be able to handle a spouse who is always late?
Asking yourself these questions as hypotheticals is far easier than having to face them once you are emotionally entangled. We tend to be more honest with ourselves before we wade into the particulars. But we can also fool ourselves into thinking, “Sure. I could handle that,” even if we can’t (or at least wouldn’t want to). But once we start to really like someone, our thinking can get muddled and we can end up in a relationship that is simply not a good fit for us.
The thing is, long-term relationships are about more than love and sex and romance and attraction and magic. Those things are all wonderful. But enduring relationships are about, well, relationships. They are about building a life together. They are about what you want and need. They are also about what you are comfortable and willing to do, in both good times and bad.
I am a creative. I am a sometimes up, sometimes down, always thinking, always questioning, always learning and seeking and mulling, so I am sometimes happily attached to my computer via umbilical cord and sometimes miserable without sunlight and water and fresh air. I don’t do well in a cubicle or when bureaucracy reigns above all else. I know I need someone who loves me because of all of my peculiarities not in spite of them. Who not only would but who wants to.
That is in no small part why I partner well with someone who thrives on plans and schedules and plays well with others. That is why when I met my wife, Robin, I wasn’t scared off by her differences. I was drawn to them. I was inspired by someone who saw the world differently. I knew that I “would” and I knew that I truly want to.
Before I met her, I had dated enough people to know what I was attracted to. More importantly, I knew what I would and would not do. And I knew that I needed someone whose Woulds and Would-nots aligned with mine. The magic is in finding the combination of the two. The dream and the reality. That’s who she is for me. The someone I crave. The someone I need. The someone who makes me want to say, “I would.”
Here’s the thing: Relationships are about knowing another person. But long before that, they are about getting to know ourselves. They are about discovering what’s a “hard no” in our lives. We have to know what we would do and what we wouldn’t do. We have to know what we are ok with asking our partner to do. We have to know what we are ok with our partner asking us to do.
Life is full of change and surprise and disappointment. We can’t ever know what will come our way in the long run. That’s why it’s vital to know at the start that we can at least deal with the here and now and which hypotheticals we love the other person enough to not only put up with but also be happy to wrangle with because we love them. We truly, deeply, madly love them.
Robin is my rock and I am her sky. She will always be there to make me feel safe and I will always be there to help her soar. Because, yes, I would.
Have a question about sex, relationships or life you want Jenny to address? Email it to GirlOnGirlsJenny@gmail.com.