Jameel Mayers and his husband run Fathernetics, a weekly podcast that helps gay men who want to have children and don’t know where to begin
DAVID TAFFET | Senior Staff Writer
Taffet@DallasVoice.com
When Jameel Mayers and his husband Nicholas were beginning their journey to start a family, they found few resources addressed to queer dads. So they began looking for resources themselves. And today they have a 13-year-old son.
They also have Fathernetics, a weekly podcast that helps gay men who want to have children and don’t know where to begin. Or those who are further along in the process and need advice about parenting. Or anyone in between.
Mayers said that rather than go the expensive route of surrogacy, he and his husband decided to try the foster-to-adopt route. Their first step was to find an agency and then become certified.
The couple was given a list of about 10 agencies in the Phoenix area where they live. Mayers said narrowing the list down was easy.
Several of the agencies used buzz words and phrases, like “Building traditional Christian families,” something they translated as “Gays need not apply.” Others were more subtle. So the couple called the remaining agencies on their list and “asked if they would be accepting of our Modern Family.” They got several nos before one told them something to the effect of, “Of course. We’re always looking for the best parents.”
The next step was getting certified as foster parents. The agency provided the weekly classes they needed, and they completed those classes in about four months.
“We learned a lot through that process,” Mayers said.
He said that as part of the process, they were asked what kind of child they wanted and what age range they would consider.
“Now we have a 13-year-old who’s been with us since he was 4,” he said. “We wanted someone on the other side of diaper duty.”
Looking back, Mayers said, they made the right decision for them. Many couples are looking for newborns. They were more interested in giving a great kid a great home.
“That was the genesis of the podcast,” Mayers explained. “There was nothing like that when we were looking.”
He’s been doing the podcast for a year and a half. New episodes drop every Thursday.
“Our guests range from queer couples, trans dads and surrogates,” he said. “Surrogacy agency owners. Allies that have queer parents. There’s no shortage of queer dads who want to provide insights and wisdom. It takes a village to bring a family into existence.”
Part of his own village are his parents in Houston. And Nicholas’ mom, who lives down the street and is part of their everyday life.
“Society tells you you’ll never have a family,” Mayers said. But, “My family was ecstatic.”
His father, whom he describes as a great storyteller, is one of his favorite guests on Fathernetics. He was featured on the Father’s Day broadcast. “The pride he exudes when he’s sharing my story” is amazing, Mayers said.
And that story always includes the couple telling their son, Jacob, “You were never an accident. We had to plan to have you for years.”
While his friends have pictures of themselves as infants, Jacob, has pictures of the first time he met his fathers. Six months after they were certified as foster parents, Jacob was placed with them. Mayers said he was their second placement; the first was an emergency placement and was with them less than two days.
They were lucky. In Texas, many couples will foster a dozen kids before one is available for adoption. The primary goal of the foster system is reunification.
“For Jacob, his bio dad was working on avenues to get him back,” Mayers said, adding that the bio-dad was dealing with substance abuse issues. There were weekly visits until his parental rights were severed. So it took a year before the adoption process could begin.
In Texas, once a child enters the foster system, they have one year to return the child to the parents or find another relative willing to take him in. Mayers said that had Jacob been reunified with his father or another relative, “We would have been devastated.”
But they understood that was a possibility. As for now, they’re looking forward to his teenage years, he said sarcastically.
At 13, he became one of those moody kids,” he said. As for their approach to parenting, “We take a very partnered approach to how we teach him.” But, he admitted, their son knows exactly which dad to ask about something to get the answer he wants.
As for friends, “Kids don’t know any different unless someone says something to tell them they’re different.” In other words, anyone Jacob has brought home just seems to accept that he has two dads.
But building a community of queer dads is also important to Mayers, so that Jacob knows there are other families that look like his. “We go swimming together and take trips together,” he said. “That’s also important.”