Jimmy Owen
The fight for marriage equality puts a level of shame on same-sex divorce, but counselor Jimmy Owen just sees it as a rite of passage for some couples
DAVID TAFFET | Senior Staff Writer
taffet@dallasvoice.com
With marriage equality comes divorce equality and that may complicate relationship break-ups among same-sex couples.
Counselor Jimmy Owen, who has counseled couples for years as they’ve dissolved their relationships, has honed his skills to steer couples through the divorce process in a positive way.
He said because the LGBT community worked so hard to earn the right to marry, there’s an extra layer of shame or guilt that sometimes comes along with divorce in the LGBT community.
“There’s a feeling if we end this, we failed,” he said.
Instead, Owen said he works with his clients to have healthy goodbyes. He tries to steer the couples or individuals he’s working with to see divorce more as a rite of passage.
There’s no set scenario when couples come to him for counseling. Some want to work on their relationship but find they can no longer remain together. Sometimes one person wants to end the relationship and the other doesn’t. At other times, the couple needs someone to mediate as they work out child custody, property division and other details of their split. Each couple is different, Owen said.
And sometimes one spouse comes to Owen for counseling. That spouse may be the one who wants the divorce or may be the one whose spouse wants to end the relationship.
Working with a couple, Owen sees his role as someone in the room to mediate — to explain, to heal, to grieve.
“We figure out how to do this in a healthy way,” he said.
He begins with each spouse answering a list of about 80 questions and turns them into a graph. When he overlays them, he shows the couple how many things they have in common before working on their differences.
Working on their relationship in a healthy way starts with both spouses being honest and avoiding blame. He starts by looking for four warning signs in their communication: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Those are bad signs for the relationship. He said a good way for a client to begin discussing their problems is to begin statements with “I.”
Infidelity is often at the root of a divorce. But even when one spouse hasn’t been faithful, Owen said it’s more useful for the other person to talk about how that made him feel rather than making accusations: “I feel betrayed,” rather than, “You had no right to… .”
Owen said while infidelity poses a serious challenge to a marriage, his question is, “can that hurt be fixed?”
Then, if the couple agrees to a monogamous relationship, what does that mean? Is it OK to be flirting on an app? No web cams? What about touching?
For a couple to get through infidelity, it’s important for the person who cheated not to get defensive. There’s no quick fix. Time and appropriate behavior build trust. Part of the healing in cases of infidelity is addressing the other issues that led to the unfaithful behavior.
Owen believes marriage equality makes same-sex couples take their relationships more seriously.
“Before marriage, it was easy to dissolve a relationship, so we didn’t necessarily stay in it,” he said. “With a legal price, people tend to take the relationship more seriously.”
He said there’s an emotional attachment to using certain words used in married relationships. Words like mother-in-law described the new family relationships formed with legal marriage.
Sometimes as part of his divorce counseling, Owen said he talks to couples about how they will disclose the news of the break-up to parents and other relatives.
The rise of social media brings new issues to divorce. A sudden change in status from married to single can set off a storm, especially if one spouse changes status before the other. Owen advises taking that slowly and coordinating. A good guide for divorcing couples is to wait until everyone who needs to know is notified and the divorce is legally finalized.
Texas is a community property state, which has prompted pre-nuptial agreements.
“That’s something we didn’t deal with before,” Owen said. “And it’s a reason some couples don’t marry.”
When couples come to Owen for divorce counseling, he said his goals are to “get past the why” and to be “task-oriented.” He doesn’t want each session to be a rehashing of the problems.
When children are involved in the divorce, he said the same-sex couples he’s worked with are more collaborative than straight couples.
“There’s more creativity in how to raise and co-parent the children,” he said, because same-sex couples don’t stick to stereotypical gender roles in raising their children.
With some couples, Owen has each person write a separation agreement. That would include how to divide household items, assets and pets. They decide how to handle social media. When will they tell parents and children and how?
And while friends don’t need to be taking sides, sometimes the agreement includes a division of friends, because many people find it difficult to remain close to both.
In his experience, Owen said, same-sex couples are more likely to become friends after their divorce than opposite-sex couples.
Sometimes when a couple is working on divorce, they get to a point where Owen asks, “Do you want to talk about reconciliation?”
Often a couple gets to that point when they begin sleeping in separate bedrooms. When they sleep apart, they stop arguing about other things and become friends again. But when the couple tries living as a couple again, the old problems often return. If they are going to live together successfully, they need to learn to be respectful of boundaries.
Owen said there’s no particular time in their relationship that couples come to see him. He’s worked with couples who’ve been together 50 years and are growing apart and he’s talked to couples who’ve been together six weeks and wonder why they’re having problems.
Some people come for divorce counseling without their spouse for a variety of reasons.
“My husband wants a divorce.” Owen said for that client, the counseling becomes a place to process grief for the lost relationship. But he also recommends the person talks to attorney to get information and be prepared.
He works with them on how they’ll take care of themselves after a split. What does identifying as a single person look like? Can they let go of the idea of being a couple and embrace a friendship?
“I want to divorce my spouse.” Owen said that the person who wants a divorce often comes to him with shame and guilt. How will they tell their spouse? Will I be seen as the bad guy?
For either spouse, what financial considerations do they need to make as they each support themselves. What will it be like in a smaller house? How will I live on just one income?
Owen said he sees same-sex couples taking marriage very seriously.
“We’re not running off to Vegas on impulse to get married,” he said. “We see it more as a privilege.”
But when couples come to him to work through their divorce, he has them write up a divorce vow and maybe share a last meal together at a favorite restaurant or take a walk together by the lake. That’s part of the healing, Owen said.
And on the divorce date, “some celebrate, some grieve and some will come in to get help getting though the day,” Owen said.
………………………..
Owen said he has two books he recommends to many of his clients:
Why Won’t You Apologize by Harriet Lerner
And for those who’ve cheated: Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss.
