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I want a girlfriend, and I want her now!
Dear Jen,
I’m a 32-year-old lesbian, and I’ve been single for most of my life.
I really want to meet someone, but I can’t stand going to bars. And almost all my friends are straight. Every once in a while, I get set up on dates. But it’s usually with some girl who happens to be queer not anyone who happens to have anything in common with me.
My straight friends mean well, but it’s frustrating.
Also, I don’t think I fit in to the lesbian community so well. I’m not political or very “lesbian identified.” I’m just a woman who likes other women.
What can I do to put myself in a better position to meet someone without making myself miserable?
Fish Out of Water
Dear Fish,
Girlfriend, I know what you mean.
I really want to get in shape. But instead of doing sit-ups, I like to lay in bed and play with my stomach roll. I’d also like to have a buttload of money. But work for it? No way that’s a vacation to Boresville.
To get what we want, we all have to do things we don’t necessarily enjoy.
Who said finding someone to love was going to be a barrel of fun? And why is it your friends’ responsibility to do this for you?
Get off your lazy, Bring-Me-Some-Hot-Lesbian-Booty-Now ass, and go find yourself someone.
Take some classes. Go out for a beer. Volunteer. Get online. And most importantly, stop whining!
Your straight friends are better lesbians than you are: At least they’re out there meeting the queer ladies. Figure out how they do it. And next time they bring back someone you’re not interested in snuggling with, try being friends with her instead. Or friends with her friends.
You have a much better chance of meeting a girlfriend if you hang out with your tribe. Writing off the entire lesbian population as too political or too lesbian identified or whatever you’ve labeled them is a convenient way to keep yourself single and miserable.
Stop your sobbing, woman. And get on with it!
My love life is a lemon
Dear Jen,
I’m constantly attracting guys who are really screwed up. My last boyfriend was suicidal when I met him. And by the time I left, he was addicted to heroin.
Others have been severely depressed and some barely functional can’t keep a job, no friends, etc. I’m a fairly happy person: My family loves me. I got a good job, friends
Why can’t I find someone like myself?
Why do I keep ending up with these head cases? It’s not like I seek them out because at first, they all seem perfectly normal. But once we’ve been dating for a while, sure enough, the craziness starts to seep out.
What am I doing wrong?
Crazy About the Crazies
Dear Crazy,
About a year ago, I bought a car from this auto mechanic. Before giving him the money, I stopped at a different grease-monkey shop a few blocks away so they could look under the hood and kick the tires.
Coincidentally, all the guys at this place knew the mechanic I was buying it from.
“Hey, isn’t this Ray’s car? He’s a standup guy, that Ray. Look how clean the engine is. Looks like Ray went at it with a toothbrush.”
Instead of giving it the once over, they regaled me with stories about Ray’s kids and that one time how Ray let them borrow his air drill.
My regular mechanic couldn’t see it for a few more days, and I was scared I was going to lose the car. So I figured, “What the hell? Ray’s a mechanic, I’m sure he took great care of it. I’d just buy it and trust that Ray was as stand up as they said he was.”
Four-thousand dollars of crapped out batteries, leaky radiators, oil pans, power steering systems and faulty brakes later, I realized I’d been duped.
Ray sold me a turd. But it’s my own dumb fault.
When we sealed the deal, Ray wouldn’t look me in they eye. And I’ve gotten stronger handshakes from week-old babies. In my gut, I knew I was getting into something real bad. But I did it anyway, because you should’ve seen how sexy that car looked.
When it comes to your mental-ward full of exes, you pretend that you’re clueless.
But I can’t pretend.
You know that you know you just don’t want to admit it. Because you should’ve seen how sexy he looked in those jeans.
I have a theory that people tell you everything you need to know the first week you meet them. Sometimes you get it all on the first date.
For some reason, they can’t help but puke up their little confessional hairballs right there on the candle-lit table.
Here’s how it goes:
Him: I sort of cheat on all my boyfriends.
Your Brain: It’ll be different with us. Look how much he’s opening up to me already!
Him: I hate myself and want to die.
Your Brain: That’s only because he hasn’t gotten a piece of me yet.
Him: I have a tiny addiction problem.
Your Brain: I can change you. I will change you. I can’t wait to change you.
I promise you, it’s all there. You’ve just decided not to notice it.
It’s uncanny how we keep attracting the same types of people over and over. But choosing to go forward with them is a different story.
Next time you’re attracted to someone, don’t leap into a relationship?
Instead, listen carefully to what he says. Pay attention to the fact that his eyes look like plate-glass windows when he comes back from the bathroom. Don’t pretend that he’s uncontrollably sobbing just because he feels comfortable opening up to you.
Once you start watching, you can make changes. All it takes is really wanting to.
Jen Sincero lives in the Venice Beach district of Los Angeles. She’s a syndicated columnist and the author of “Don’t Sleep with Your Drummer” (MTV Books) and “The Straight Girls Guide to Sleeping with Chicks” (Fireside).
www.JenSincero.com.
E-mail: advice@jensincero.com
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition, December 1, 2006.
TO CRAZY LADY~
Hello from central Texas! Your message has reached 250 miles all the way to Austin and I am in the same boat. I’m a 33 single mom but I still know what you mean. The bar scene is old and all my friends are straight or just have no clue how to go about helping me. Besides that, here in Austin, there is NO LESBIAN scene! No bar/club dedicated to us sistas and there are gay boys all over (no offense my brothas) but I would love a place like Sue Ellen’s to open up here. Even the women I meet/notice are all the same. They all dress the same and I’m not attracted to any of them. I am a femme/lipstick lesbian so you wouldn’t even know how much of a woman lover I am. I think I need to have “I’M GAY” tattooed on my forehead or something. So I don’t even have a place to go where the ladies hang out. They are a quiet reserved bunch who, from what I’ve been told, don’t go out but stay at home and have their parties in their back yard… My best friend lives in Dallas and I was born and raised there until 2002 when I moved to Austin. She was my first love…. Anyways, I guess the only place for me to meet a woman who at least steps it up a couple of notches would be up in Dallas…
But I agree with Jen, we have to get ourselves out there and show off our ASSets. I understand that going alone makes you look desperate and if you go with a friend everyone thinks your taken, HOWEVA, those who look taken are the ones, more likely than not, the ones we notice, right? The trick is, whenever you go anywhere where you know there will be a bunch of women (my heaven) bring a FRIEND! A GIRL-FRIEND”. Devote all attention on her, don’t scan the room but use your peripheral vision. They will notice you. If you look up and catch the eye of a woman who is looking at you, smile, nod your head or some gesture that you acknowledge their “complimented stare” and move on. If you go to the bathroom, some one will approach your friend and ask about you. (They ask me all the time about my straight friends) and when she finds out that you and your friend are just that, “friends” your still a challenge and the chase is on. Heck, that’s what you need, to be PURSUED! There has to be an “ora” about yourself that radiates self confidence. That is one of the most sexiest traits a woman can have and raises her a few notches above the rest.
Turn on that “sexy button” (every woman has one) and flaunt it. Take it up a couple of notches when you go out… shopping at the grocery store, walking down Oaklawn in all the shops, having coffee, whateva and where ever, Eye Contact is awesome. They have actually done a study where two complete strangers looked into the eyes of the other and actually became more attracted to each other in a matter of five minutes.
I don’t know how you would define yourself as in the type of lesbian you are (butch, femme, androgynous) or what kind of woman you find attractive, but don’t give up. Do this for yourself. Take your straight friends and go out and have some fun. If you look eager they will sense it and turn the other way. Like who you are and focus on those awesomely sexy things about yourself. Accentuate the positive and I promise the rest will work it’s self out.
Don’t walk around insecure, take pride in appearance and return eye contact with a smile . They will continue to watch you to see if you make eye contact again, but don’t. You have to play the game if you want to score…
I’m not an expert, but I know what I like in a woman and I’m just expressing what I look for. I am very picky but a woman who doesn’t give me the time of day (although she may want to) makes me want her even more. We all wear costumes Crazy, so it’s who’s inside that makes a woman desirable or makes you sick.
I can go on and on but I’m not the expert here. I wish you luck on your journey and happiness as you continue towards your destination. Remember, no more looking like Jen said. This is your time and you deserve it.
Silver Shadow Believer
SINGLE BY THE WAY!!!!!