The vaccine will make your penis grow

Oh my God you guys, you are not going to believe the week I have had. So last week I decided to sign up to get my booster COVID vaccination. While I was on the CVS website, I went ahead and signed up my husband. It was super easy; I got the Pfizer and he got Moderna. No big deal, I had to drive to Waxahachie while the Hubs get his here in Midlothian.

That night my arm was barely even sore but the next evening we both had chills and a low-grade fever. It literally lasted about two to three hours and then we both felt completely fine. Fast forward to the next morning and I wake up feeling fucking fantastic. I had more pep in my step and an outlook on life I hadn’t had in forever. Seriously, I felt good.

That evening when Jamie got home, we decided to get in the pool and have a few cocktails. The water felt lovely, and we had a cute little buzz going so you know what came next … we did. Us alone in the pool with cocktails always lead to sex, it is just our M.O.

The sex was amazing, and we both performed like we were in our prime. Like two little twinks on ecstasy. We both went above and beyond what we usually do, we got a little crazy.

I swear that getting the booster COVID vaccination not only helped us in the bedroom, but I think it made our penises bigger. We both had more girth and nearly an inch added. I was amazed so I had to look it up to see if we were the only ones and sure enough, there were lots of stories online about how the vaccination helped so many people’s sex lives and even a few others that said it literally made their dicks bigger. What a godsend!

Since the booster I have also felt stronger. My biceps seem bigger and more defined, and I have not picked up a weight in months.

My reflexes are amazing as well. One of our dogs knocked over a lamp, and I caught it before it smashed to the ground. I felt like Peter Parker at the beginning of every Spiderman origin movie. Thanks Pfizer.

Yesterday I watched an episode of Jeopardy and knew every answer. My brain is firing on all cylinders. I wish I felt this smart in school. Y’all have gotta go get this vaccine. Sure, it helps with COVID and the not dying thing, but my dick is bigger y’all. I’m a fucking X-men now.

Okay, Okay, I’m lying. Unfortunately, I made all of that stuff up. But I figure if the idiot anti-Vaxxers can put out so much misinformation and lies to keep people from getting the shot then I may as well try their tactics. Truth is I am so angry right now.

How are there still so many unvaccinated people? Lord, help it make sense.

I have family members that won’t get the shot because her friend who works for a hospital, not in a medical capacity but as a coder in billing, said who she has to create new codes for the side effects of the vaccine. Don’t trust the medical experts but trust your friend that took an online class for coding and billing.

We are still seeing the effects of the Trump cult of personality, but it is affecting people’s health now. I am so baffled by this way of thinking. Remember in elementary school, we had to have vaccinations before the school year started? God, life was so much easier before social media and the age of misinformation and blatant lies. And I know there are going to be people who want to tell me all about why they won’t be getting the vaccine and call me sheepal and even more who will say, you know…Darwinism, let nature take its course.

I am just so sick of all of it. This pandemic could have already been mostly over if everyone would just do their part and wear a freakin’ mask and get the G.D. shot. No one likes to wear masks but fuuuuck, just do your part. And do not get me started on our governor.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to go off on such a tangent. I wanted this to be a lighthearted jaunt about getting the vaccine booster, but it ended up being a preachy bitchfest. Here is one thing I want you anti-vaxxers to think about, we get our pets vaccinated once a year because we love them and want them to have healthy, happy and long lives. Love yourself as much as you love your pet. No one is trying to chip you, change your DNA or even improve your 5G. We are not as important or as interesting as we think we are, it is about health. It is about community. Love thy neighbor.

The Reverend Cassie Bernard Nova has now completed his sermon…you are dismissed. Go forth and prosper.

Remember to always love more, bitch less (Yeah right!) and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova