Good day my beautiful friends. I want to let you all know a little secret about me: When I wake up in the morning after a show, I have a panic ritual.
The second I wake up, even if it is just to go pee, I lay wide-eyed and wide-awake in bed, thinking of every word I said in the show the night before. Did I say something awful or so stupid that today is the day I get cancelled and lose everything?
It sounds so stupid even saying it, but that is a reality in life of a drag queen, comedian or just about anyone that holds a microphone.
I will toss and turn for hours while praying to the universe to not let that thing I said last night be taken as anything other than the joke it was. I often say shit I almost immediately regret, but rarely is it ever said with hate or malice.
My humor is dark. My mind always goes to the worst possible place, and my mouth, 90 percent of the time, says exactly what I am thinking. Imagine the stuff I don’t say out loud.
My shows can be a little vulgar. I say things for the shock value. I love it when people laugh through the cringe. I love the looks people give to each other after I say something ridiculous or awful … as long as they are laughing.
I also know not everyone likes me, not everyone likes my humor and not everyone even pays attention to me when I am on stage. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, and I am totally okay with that.
I know some people fucking HATE me, and I kind of live for that too. There is no better motivator than a hater.
So often I am tossin’ and turnin’, trying to get back to sleep but can’t because I have to replay every single joke in my head. Because I’m wondering if that’s the one that is the step too far.
The straw that broke the camel’s back. The bridge too far. The last gasp of a gassed canary.
You get my point.
I hate that I have to worry or lose sleep because of the possibilities. One thing taken out of context or found to be offensive by one person can turn into a shit storm of life-ruining lightning strikes. The anxiety is real.
That brings me to my next point: When did so many people that go to drag shows decide to be so fucking un-fun. Was there a meeting of — mostly white — women who decided they are going to be offended by everything, be offended for other people and sit through every drag performance as if they are smelling shit?
I see it happening more and more. These “ladies” always sit in the front of the audience with their arms folded and a stank face on. Ladies, if you are not enjoying yourself, it is totally okay to leave.
There is an epidemic of these groups coming to the show, usually celebrating their friend’s birthday or the “we’ve never been to a gay bar before” bachelorette party, complete with bad wigs, dick straws and a pushy maid of honor.
The second the show starts, and before I can even say welcome, we are bombarded with screams of “IT’S HER BIRTHDAY!” or “SHE’S GETTING MARRIED!” “OMG, GET HER!” “BRING HER ONSTAGE!”
And the second they feel they didn’t get enough attention or we didn’t make the entire show about them, that’s when many of them turn into Smelling Shit Sheilas. It really makes me miss the days when gay people were not as accepted or as “trendy” as we are now.
They do not care anything about the show or the entertainers. They want to be the show. I don’t mind throwing them a little love and attention, especially if they are tipping (Yes, I can be bought, but attitude goes a long way). It’s the entitlement that bothers the fuck out of me. So many of them grew up in a world where they were never told “no,” and it shows. That’s why I smile inside when they go from “Woo-Hoo!” to “Boo-Hoo!”
Truthfully, it is almost never the birthday girl or the bride that ends up mad. It’s always that one pushy friend that the other girls in the group secretly hate. The one that gets drunk the quickest, gets mad the easiest and is always the reason the group goes home early.
Y’all: Don’t be that friend.
Here are a few tips for you woo-hoo girls that want to come to a drag show and have fun:
- Be respectful. We tend to give what we get. If you come at us loud, demanding and disrespectful, we respond with some form of that same energy. A bitch will put a bitch in their place.
- Fucking tip! We can put up with a lot if the price is right — most of the time, but sometimes no amount of money will appease the gods once we hate you. But truth be told, if they hand me a big bill, I am much more likely to at least pretend like I care about whatever bullshit they are celebrating. It’s like when you find out that ugly guy has a big dick, and, suddenly, he ain’t that ugly.
- Freakin’ relax. I find that these groups have a better time if they go with the flow, instead of trying to force a good time.
That’s it. Respect! Tip! Chill! Then everyone will have a great night — until the next morning and my mental freakout happens.
Oh well, c’est la vie! Have a great day!
Remember to always love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova