Food, good and bad
Good day to you all. I am so glad to see we all survived the Snowmageddon that never was.
To be honest, I didn’t even care whether we got any horrible weather; I was prepared. I could have been hunkered down for an entire month. I used it as an excuse to make all of my cold weather favorites: Chicken-n-dumplins, chicken tortilla soup, my better version of that Zuppa Toscano soup from Olive Garden, chili, a dump cake, fresh baked cookies.
Cold weather makes me wanna cook, and I pretended that we had 10 feet of snow. In actuality, we got the smallest amount of slush and a very light covering of big and beautiful snowflakes that were gone by noon.
I am surprised we survived.
Speaking of Olive Garden, who tha’ fuck is keeping them in business? That has got to be the worst excuse for “Italian” food in the world. We went last week, and the only reason we went was because we got a $30 gift card for Christmas. If I get a gift card, I am gonna use it. Even if
I hate the place, I will make sure every penny gets used out of spite.
The soup and salad were not terrible. I love a good fresh salad, and their salad dressing is pretty good, but Biiiiiiiitch! Everything else was God-awful.
We had something called a stuffed ziti fritta as an appetizer. It was supposed to be crispy-fried ziti noodles stuffed with cheese and fried. What kind of cheese stays liquid when it gets cold? It was so gross and came with two vapid and flavorless dipping sauces. Marinara, my ass! It was chunky tomato water and their alfredo sauce — Alfredo is rolling over in his urn right now. Just shameful!
The entrees were just as bad. The husband got the chicken fettuccine alfredo because he is a basic bitch, but he is usually pretty easy to satisfy. He only took a couple of bites.
I got the shrimp scampi; 75 percent of it was chopped tomato, 10 percent of it was the thinnest slivers of “asparagus.” (There wasn’t even enough asparagus to make my pee stink, and I always check!) Another 5 percent consisted of shrimp so rubbery that they bounced right off my fork, and the last 5 percent were mushy spaghetti noodles.
The whole dish was a symphony of meh.
The breadsticks, which used to be so good, were a disappointment as well. How are you gonna be too hard and too soft at the same time? Didn’t they used to put a buttery garlic oil on top of their breadsticks? Now they are as dry as Marjorie Taylor Greene’s hair (and/or vagina. Just try to get that visual out of your head. Thanks Olive Garden!).
That “meal” plus two Coke Zeros ended up costing $75 and a piece of my soul. The gift card got used, and we realized — for like the third time — never again. If I ever get another Olive Garden gift card, she will be regifted to someone I don’t actually care for.
The Olive Gardens slogan is “WHEN YOU’RE HERE, YOU’RE FAMILY.” Yup, that checks out. You can actually taste the resentment.
Since we are on the subject of shitty food, doesn’t it feel like the quality of many of our old favorites has changed?
I used to love Dairy Queen. Dairy Queen was my first job. I was 13 years old, and I was THE Dairy Queen — which I was called many times.
The burgers were always good. The buns were always fresh and soft. The soft-serve ice cream — Oh my Gawd! The soft-serve ice cream was the best. Even before it got dipped, blizzarded or sundaed, it tasted amazing.
Now the burgers are dry, the buns are powdery and crumbly, and the soft-serve doesn’t taste like it used to. I know part of it comes from me looking through rose-colored nostalgia glasses, but the other part is because they changed the recipe.
It ain’t the same.
Same with Taco Bell. It actually used to taste good; now we settle for …. Well, it tastes good enough for the convenience. Use the app on your phone. It is so easy; it is so quick. You don’t even gotta talk to anyone.
Whataburger, Wendy’s, Domino’s and so many more just don’t taste like they used to, and don’t get me started on Johnny Carino’s.
I know I sound like a grumpy old man bitching about “Back in my day, blah blah blah.” But it is true. Sure, my tastes have changed, and so have my tastebuds. But I know my shit, especially when it comes to food. You don’t get my body shape without research.
Truthfully, another part of it is that we are kind of spoiled. When we want good Italian, we go to Bellucci’s here in Midlothian. They have the most amazing Arrabiata sauce, and their alfredo sauce is made with three ingredients. I have not had a single dish there that was not great.
We love Sake Hibachi in Mansfield. Snow crab fried rice, the Trino’s tacos and a couple of sushi rolls — absolute heaven!
Now when we want a burger, we go to Portillo’s. If we want tacos, we go to one of the local taquerias, 287 TACO or Ocampo. We have a newish pho place, Pho Duc, close to us. We go there enough that when we walk in, I feel like Norm on Cheers.
My point is, stop eating shitty food at shitty restaurants. You deserve better; we all deserve better. And Olive Garden, you can suck a sick dick.
Sidenote; my apologies if you like Olive Garden or other crappy restaurants like Chili’s or Applebee’s. I will also make allowances if you are going for cheap, gigantic alcoholic beverages. The food is probably better if you are drunk.
I will also forgive you for going to these places if you think mayonnaise is spicy. Life has already fucked you, so I will not add to your sadness and shame. Bless your heart.
(Note to self: Maybe don’t sit down to write when you are hangry.)
Remember to always love more, bitch less (OOPS!) and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova