Thinking of Lynn

Hello everyone. Today I am sad. This week we lost my stepmom, Lynn. I’m not sure I should even write about this because it has brought up a lot of emotions for me. Between the sadness of losing her and concern for my Dad and the rest of his side of the family, I am feeling a lot of guilt. Lynn was the lifeline that kept a dialogue between my father and myself. Without her, I guess that falls on me.

My relationship with my dad is strange: I love him; he loves me. He was even somewhat okay with the gay thing, but we just have never been close — well, not since I was, like, 13 years old and was living with him.

Having divorced parents mean that if you are a manipulative kid, you can live with whoever you want. When I was 12, I moved in with my dad and pretty much did whatever I wanted. He worked, so I was home alone a lot. If I didn’t want to go to school, I didn’t. It was very much a paradise for a self-sufficient kid like me.

Then my step-brother and -sister, Keith and Ashleigh, moved in with us. They were four and five years old, and I stepped up to take care of them.

For about 3 months I took care of them and my dad. I cooked, occasionally cleaned and made sure the kids got to school and the babysitter. She was next door. My dad was constantly working on cars or helping someone fix something. He was never far away but rarely there.

Then everything changed: Dad met Lynn.

Their relationship moved fast. Within a few weeks, Lynn and her son had moved in with us, and she immediately went into mother mode. And I was not having any of it.

Suddenly she was telling us what time to go to bed and making me get up and go to school. Hell no! I went from running everything to running nothing. She was getting on my nerves, but she did get my dad to come home more and more.

Lynn basically let me be a kid again and kept me from being a complete fuck-up from missing so much school. I, of course, did not realize that until years later. I don’t think I ever thanked her for that.

She was the first person to take me to the dentist; I was 13. When I was going through puberty and was having literal pain in my balls, she forced me to tell her what was wrong and took me to the doctor. It turned out I had some sort of infection in my nut — embarrassing, but thank God she made me tell her what was wrong.

Then it got to a point that I realized my mother needed me more, so I moved back in with her. Keith and Ashleigh were in good hands with Lynn, and so was my dad. She was the best thing that ever happened to my dad and to his kids.

My young gay ass couldn’t wait to get out on my own. Before coming out, all I could think was, “My family will disown me when they find out I am gay, so I need to hurry up, move away and be self-sufficient so I don’t have to rely on anyone.” And that is pretty much what I did. Except, when I needed help with my car I still called my dad, and he was always there to help.

I wasn’t the son my dad wanted. He wanted a boy that he could work on cars with, go fishing with, talk about women with. That was not me. Luckily, he has that with Keith.

I instead pushed everyone away — better to reject everyone before they can reject you. I moved on and rarely looked back. Years passed, and I had little to no contact with my dad’s side of the family. I had family members tell me that I thought I was better than them, and my response was always, “I am better than you.” I can be a very shady homosexual.

Now I realize I’m not better, but I am different. Now I would tell them “You don’t understand my world at all, but I understand your world and want more.” I am so thankful for my gayness and the life that comes with it.

I actually think Lynn understood that for me.

Jamie and I had a 10-year anniversary party 10 years ago. (Fuck! where does the time go?) We invited our families. It was a big deal for us because this was before we could legally get married, so we had a small ceremony to pronounce our love for each other. Lynn was the only person from my entire family that showed up. I will never forget that.

Lynn got on my nerves sometimes in the way that family does, but I will miss her random texts saying that she loves me and misses me. I will miss her randomly tagging me in a Facebook post that made her think of me — anything from a rainbow to an Ellen DeGeneres comedy clip, literally the most random stuff. But she was thinking of me.

She had a good heart, but she didn’t have a strong heart.

I wish I would have been a better son to her.

Rest well DeVorra Lynn Love. I love you.

Remember to always love more, bitch less and be fabulous!

XOXO, Cassie Nova