Last Christmas
Hey y’all hey. I hope your new year is off to a wonderful start. Mine has been incredible because I live in my own world of delusion.
I stopped watching the news after the election, and I float blissfully unaware of anything bad going on in the world. If anyone tries to talk to me about anything too heavy, I just put my fingers in my ears and la-la-la until they shut up.
Ignorance really is bliss.
If you know me at all, you know that is a lie.
I am always so worried I’m gonna miss out on something. My nosy ass is always listening. I wish I had the ears of a dog or cat, able to turn them toward whoever it is I am trying to snoop on. I wonder if that is how Snoopy got his name?
One great thing about the new year is that my schedule finally calms down. Mid-October to the first week of January has just been a blur. Don’t get me wrong; I am crazy thankful to be in demand and work as much as I do. But damn! I am ready for a nap!
I was lucky enough to be asked to be a part of Camp Christmas/Drag Winter Wonderland at the AT&T Performing Arts Center. Actually, it was outside in Strauss Square. I will do my best to describe it:
It was set up like you were going to camp, and we (Raquel Blake or Kylee O’Hara or me) were your drag queen camp counselors. We were basically tour guides to make sure you had a great time, point out interesting things and facilitate your Christmas fun.
FYI, the cocktails helped. They had spiked apple cider, hot chocolate with whipped cream vodka (my personal favorite), and a s’mores cocktail rimmed with graham cracker crumbs — delicious but sneaky. You couldn’t taste the alcohol, so it was a surprise when, all of the sudden, you’re drunk and screaming, “Merry Christmas Bitches!” (Not me of course, I can hold my liquor. Hiccup!)
They had a bunch of different pun trees that I thought I would hate, but they ended up being one of my favorite things. A pun tree was usually a Christmas tree decorated in a way to get you to say what the pun was, the word always ended with tree or try. For example, a Christmas tree decorated with lots of letter N ornaments was the “entry” — Get it? N-tree … entry!
Corny but fun, and folks took that shit seriously. Some of the people that took our tours got crazy competitive. One of my favorites was a tree made of wooden boards, covered in toy cars, little carvings of fish, ink pens and woodshop tools. Any guesses? It was carpentry! Car plus pens on a tree, the fish were carps, woodshop tools on wooden planks….Carpentry!
There were more than 25 pun trees and a bunch of dad jokes.
Corny, campy, quirky — however you describe it, we had fun.
There were lots of these huge tents with different Christmas worlds inside. One was set up like grandma’s house for the holidays, with every classic Christmas album on the walls. It was so weird because I remembered MY grandma having almost every one of them, from Elvis to Johnny Mathis, to Nat King Cole and Dean Martin.
There was a huge Christmas tree covered with every ornament I remembered from way back then. They even had those little liquid-filled glass ornaments that looked like candles — the ones that bubbled inside the glass tube. Those have always fascinated me. How the fuck do they work? Why doesn’t the glass explode? Where does the gas in the bubbles go? Wouldn’t the laws of displacement push the liquid down as the bubbles went up inside the sealed glass tube?
I’m sure there is a logical answer, but I prefer to think of it as witchcraft.
One room was pink. Everything was pink. Every shade of pink. So much pink that you needed Pepto, which was also in the room … a huge bottle under glass.
It was the literal Pink Pony Club because there was a full-size horse statue covered in pink glitter, pink Christmas tree covered in pink ornaments, pink carpet, a pink vanity to sit at and put on your pink cosmetics. There were these two matching pink couches with these beautiful, pink rose-shaped pillows that looked to me like a prolapsed …. Well, never mind. It was an extravaganza of blush and bashful, and I loved it.
You know Santa was gonna be there. While working there we encountered three different Santas. The first one was awesome; he wanted pics with us drag queens and was so joyful and gracious. He was the epitome of what you want in a Santa.
The second Santa was a dick. I was pre-warned about dick Santa. Apparently when he was told that the last tour was hosted by drag queens, he said, “What’s that?” Bitch, you know what drag is. I saw your make-up kit! Ben Nye foundation, eye shadows and a bunch of NYX brushes. Don’t act cute with me Republican Santa.
BTW, he drove a huge pick-up truck and took up four spaces, forcing me to basically park against a wall. All I could think of was poor Mrs. Claus singing, “I can’t get no…satisfaction” while making those cookies from Flowers In The Attic for her husband. Her seasonal depression probably lasts all year long. Prayers for Mrs. Claus.
The third Santa was basically Billy Dee Williams in a Santa suit. He oozed confidence and charisma. His Santa swag made me blush. He was definitely my favorite Santa, especially after he complimented my “shape.” Seriously, he was such a nice guy and a great Santa.
I honestly loved doing the Camp Christmas gig. I got to hang out with so many people I would probably never have the honor of getting to know. The folks who came to check it out and paid extra to have a drag queen tour guide were so diverse. I made fans and friends — straight, gay and everything in between. It was a lot of fun.
I hope they do it next year, but I don’t think they will. Between some anti-drag “sponsors,” advertisement and website issues and so many other Christmas events going on, I feel like our fabulous Christmas adventure wasn’t as big as it could have been. Which sucked because it put me in the Christmas spirit at a time when I really needed it. I think a lot of people could have used some extra Christmas spirit, this year in particular.
I’d like to give a huge shout out and thank you to Lonny Hanzon, the incredibly talented artist who created Camp Christmas and the poor guys who had to deal with us on a regular basis. Alex, Shawn and Jake, a sincere thank you from, Kylee, Raquel and me. We all had an unforgettable holiday season.
Now here is your reminder to take your Christmas stuff down. I’m talking to you weird, lazy neighbor who leaves their lights up until June. Actually, who cares? You do you! We leave Halloween stuff up all year. Who am I to judge? Happy new year y’all! Remember to always love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova