When he violates your trust, can he ever win it back? Well, it depends …
Photo courtesy Kristofer Reynolds
Hello, my people. I hope you are all doin’ your own thang, keepin’ it real or keeping it 100 or any other hip, trendy things the kids are saying these days. I for one am exhausted, but so excited that the new Rose Room has debuted. It has everything now: A majestic royal red curtain that opens and closes, a pixelated screen in the back so we can do just about anything for a backdrop, a little person dressed as Elvis to greet everyone as they enter. OK, that last one is a lie … for now. So many people have worked to make it fabulous and we have succeeded. I effin love it. If you haven’t been yet, you gotta come out and see our show. I feel like a proud mother/father hybrid.
This week’s advice and questions are a little hardcore. So weak or small-minded peeps look away now…
Dear Cassie, My boyfriend and I have been together for 13 months. We have had our ups and downs, but what relationship hasn’t? [Throughout] the entire relationship, he has been extremely insecure. He gets weird when straight guys talk to me, people like my photos on social media, etc. I always blew it off, saying it was because this is his first real relationship and it’s just his age showing. Also his friends and roommate have never tried to get to know me. They always just say “Hi, how are you?” then walk off. His roommate actually leaves the room when I come over. It always bothers me because I feel like I’m a likable guy. I have no enemies. My friends have gone out of their way to get to know him and they have formed a friendship with my boyfriend. Why haven’t his friends done the same?
Last week — two weeks after our one-year anniversary — he broke the news he has been sleeping with his roommate since September … the roommate that never gives me the time of day, that I’ve always been told was straight. He says it only happens when they get super drunk and when I’m not around. Obviously. I cried. A lot. I told him the trust is now gone and I don’t know if it will ever come back. Plus, he still lives and works with this guy. The guy has blocked me on all social media. I would never out someone, but I feel like when you sleep with someone who is in a relationship, you are taking the risk of your secret getting out.
Now when I play back our past arguments based on his insecurities, I realize it is because he had a guilty conscience. I told my boyfriend I needed time to decide if this is something I can move past. I haven’t told anyone because I know they will tell me to end it now and that I deserve better. I personally feel like a fool for trusting in someone so much. I was completely blinded by love — I never thought this is something he would do. As of now, I told him I never need to be in the same room as his roommate. When I kiss him, it’s just not the same. And when I’m not with him, I’m constantly wondering where he is and if he is cheating again. He has been doing some major ass-kissing trying to make up for it.
I was wondering what your thoughts are on cheating. Is it something that is always a deal breaker? Should alcohol ever be an excuse? Is it something that gets better with time? And if this relationship ends, do I keep my mouth shut on why it ended? I feel like I was never in the wrong — I didn’t fuck up, he did. Thank you in advance for any advice you can give. Signed, Bamboozled!
Dear Bamboozled, Where the fuck do I even start with this? Of course the roommate left the room when you came over — he was jealous of you and he was fucking your boyfriend. Forget his friends, they all sound like assholes anyway. Your boyfriend didn’t seem very confident in your relationship from the beginning. His getting weird when a straight guy would talk to you or your Facebook likes stem from his own insecurities. He was projecting what he was putting out there. He feared you would do exactly what he did to you.
To be honest, you are a better man than I am because in the heat of the emotion and anger and heartbreak, I would have probably not only outed his mutherfuckin’ roommate, I would have probably needed to punch him as well. I might have anger issues. I’m proud of you for not reacting in that manner. Keeping the high road is always the way to go, although not as fulfilling.
Now, as far as the boyfriend is concerned, do you love him? I mean really love him? Trust, when gone, is not easy to get back. Possibly impossible. If him cheating makes you feel like you get a free pass to cheat, then move on. Two wrongs just make more wrongs. Ask yourself: Is he even worth this bullshit. Probably not!
It’s easy to give advice and tell you to dump the bum and throw him out of your life forever, but this is your real life. I think you need to step away from the situation. Take some time away from him. The fact that he is still living with the guy that he cheated on you with should be a deal-breaker. How could he ask you to move past something that is there when he gets home? No ma’am, Pam.
Cheating, even if you’re drunk, is still cheating, and it is not OK. But whether you can get past it is up to you. Step back, take stock of your feelings. Spend some time alone. Go from there. If the relationship does end, whether or not you tell people why you broke up should be on a person-by-person, need-to-know basis. Nobody needs to know your business, but you have every right to talk about it to whoever you want, without guilt. Because, after all, you didn’t fuck up. He did. Stay strong, Cassie.
Dear Cassie, Why does the “everyone’s a top” stereotype exist? What’s the deal with the implied shame of being a bottom? Thanks, G.P.
Great question, G.P. People seem to think that being a bottom makes you less of a man. I’m guilty of perpetuating that stereotype by calling out bottoms at my show like it’s a shameful thing, but the truth is, anyone can be a top but it takes a special flair to be prepared to take a dick like a champ. We all act like the top is in control but we all know who really wields the power.
I feel there are a lot more proud bottoms out there right now. Some like to feel dominated, others just know what they like and go for it aggressively. I think about 90 percent of us are actually versatile. What’s wrong with liking and doing more than one thing in bed? Hell, even most of the “total tops” I know love a little butt play every once in a while. You should enjoy every part of your body, inside and out!
So this week I give a special shout out to all those badass bottoms out there. You know who you are! Viva, la dick takers! You rock!
Remember to always love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova.
If you have a question of comment, email it to AskCassieNova@gmail.com.
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition April 29, 2016.
