Lockdown edition: Chevy’s a Trail Boss, while Ford is ready for anything

As we are in the middle of historic circumstances, it’s time we get a vehicle that’s ready for the range of occasions that may present themselves. It should be all-capable, comfortable and apparently able to haul vast quantities of toilet paper and face masks.

Throwing gas and a match on the age-old pissing match between Chevy and Ford, we have two vicious queens vying for survival. Whether you need a truck to haul supplies, or just haul ass into the wilderness, the butch Chevy Silverado Trail Boss, left, or slightly femme Ford Ranger Lariat FX4 should do.

— Casey Williams


Zoom ready
Silverado: Puts its tough face forward with huge grille, black trim, Camaro-style air blades and 18-in. black alloys. There are no step bars, which only bang on logs anyway.
Ranger: It’s frontin’ with a carbon mesh black grille, exposed tow hooks and LED headlamps. Softer style is less muscle, more Euro.

Hunkering down inside
Silverado: Makes your home seem sparse with heated seats, Bose audio, 4G Wi-Fi navigation and a back seat roomy enough for a sex club.
Ranger: It’s loaded like a luxury pool house with B&O audio, heated leather seats, navigation and Wi-Fi, even if the back seat is too tight for amorous endeavors.

Favorite binge watch
Silverado: Tiger King. Chevy vs. Ford is like Baskin vs. Exotic, but I’d place money on “That Bitch Carol?” She definitely seems capable of feeding her husband to critters.
Ranger: Schitt’s Creek. It’s pretty sassy and easy to love. The boyfriend wears mountaineering shoes, but prefers champagne picnics to swinging tree adventure courses.

Chevrolet Silverado

Favorite toy
Silverado: Power rear glass (or as Jay Leno calls it, “a fart window”). Just open it up and let your manly stew fly.
Ranger: Terrain management system. Twist its knob to configure the powertrain for rocks, mud, snow or even pavement. It’s the “spank it anywhere” switch.

Leg day
Silverado: Employs monotube shocks to bound over bumps, skid plates for sensitive bits, locking rear differential to balance power and push-button 4×4. It’s got the muscle and mettle to steel away.
Ranger: It may be small, but it’s still strong with its own monotube shocks, electronic-locking rear differential and a full suit of under-armor. There are no sloppy seconds here.

Run to the hills
Silverado gets away with an optional 6.2-liter V8 or turbo-diesel, but our 5.3-liter V8 is plenty capable, delivering 355 horses through a 10-speed automatic transmission. Auto stop/start saves fuel, but is a bit bitchy.
Ranger: Cute little turbocharged 2.3-liter 4-cylinder runs smooth and true, dishing out 270 horsepower through its own 10-speed auto. Its auto stop/start is just as pissy.

Weeks to the gallon
Neither of these trucks are especially efficient, but with most of us measuring weeks to the gallon, there’s little problem. A big beefy boy, the Silverado achieves just 16/21-MPG city/highway. The Ranger’s more svelte proportions achieve a skinnier 21/26-MPG.

Pay the piper
Silverado: The full-up pickup starts at $28,300, but came to $55,050 equipped with all the luxury and gear needed to span this time.
Ranger: A furlough-ready $24,410 base price rises to $44,460 with all of the survival gear.