All things phallus
Everyone I talk to, everyone who writes me, everyone I know and don’t in this world — they all express feeling a sort of amorphous anxiety that they can’t quite put their fingers on, a sense of helpless ennui. The word “surreal” pops up a lot.
At Whole Foods just the other day, a woman checking out in front of me shook her head despondently at two adorable children scampering one aisle over in pink chiffon princess dresses with wings, jousting magic-wand cheese straws at one another. “Poor things,” she sighed, under her breath. “They haven’t a clue what’s coming.”
I wanted to say, “And you do?” But I said nothing. Hell, we all know what’s coming.
Just look up. Written in the stars, Pluto has irrefutably just entered Aquarius, where it shall remain solidly entrenched for the next 20 years, until 2044. As I learned, according to my neighbor’s daily zodiac fix, courtesy of StyleCaster.com, “Pluto shines a light on all the secrets living in the shadows.” And for those born under the four fixed signs — Taurus, Leo, Scorpio, and Aquarius — Pluto’s astrological transit will completely transmogrify lives, like a meat cleaver, into before and after.
Planet Pluto — even if demoted to a “dwarf” — shapes the larger traits of humanity.
Not called Lord of the Underworld for nothing, Pluto alchemizes one thing and transforms it into another. Hence, having now entered Aquarius for these next two decades, totally game-changing innovations are in store. Though, as everyone well knows, for a phoenix to rise first requires the world be reduced to cinder ash.
Like, whatever happened to our George Jetson future — the one with our robot housekeepers named Rosie, the domed glass sky houses and the flying cars? And our very own personalized twunk boy toy named Elroy?
Just try to relax and allow Howard, for however briefly our shared moment, to whisk your stresses and anxieties away! Let’s all just curl up together next to the fireplace, our cheeks cuddled cozily up against a nice, big, anonymous cock texted over to keep us warm company. Hey guys, you may not have changed the world today, but at least for a fleeting fragment in time, all the bad things have gone away!
Dear Howard: I’m good-looking, tall and well-endowed — very well-endowed — but apparently my pix aren’t doing me any justice. All I know is that guys sure seem happily surprised whenever I show up and drop trou. Usually the first word outs of their mouths are, “I sure wasn’t expecting that!” I always wanna say, “But, why? It’s the same dick from my pix. I haven’t had a cock transplant.” Howard, you know any insider’s secrets to taking fantastic penis-selfies? Ways to highlight men’s equipment flatteringly as possible? — Miles Long
Dear Longing: Ah, just to imagine it: fresh-cut flowers, scented candles, imported chocolates and a deliciously hot dick pic squirting showers of creamy warm jizz — indeed, love is in the air! OK, here goes: No self-respecting, gay casual encounters’ sex app would survive 10 seconds in our lascivious rage for quality penis selfies — minus first sharing some input with its horny customer-base on how to take better ones. After all, if you can’t entice a stranger over with a pretty dick, whatcha got better’s gonna do the trick?
Like all great photography, taking selfies of one’s penis good enough to arouse a stranger’s desire is an art form; meanwhile, all online hookups follow the same repeated pattern. One can practically time to the second how long it will take before receiving that erection-inspirational text, “Got any dick pix you can send me first.”
Thus, to get your private archives up to snuff, men, follow these free tips I’m so considerately providing you:
First, never wear wet, ultra-thin, transparent, or hyper-sexy briefs in your pix; their translucent, see-through affects produce the opposite in so far as doing justice to one’s size. Second, never use the flash to photograph your junk, nor any fluorescent/neon lighting effects. It only highlights every imperfection. And never, ever opt for green light — unless your purpose is to convey a serial killer vibe.
Third, never go black-and-white. Contrary to the artistic noir effect you think you’re creating, black-and-white tends to read as both lazy and pompous, and a flat-out boring shortcut. Fourth, never fudge perspective. It’s a friggin’ dick pic, guys: Close-up, zoomed-in shots are not sexy. The more cock you’re seen holding aloft in your hand, the more interest you will pique.
Fifth, never resort to side-by-side object comparisons. Ditch the TV remotes, the lube tubes and the beer bottles, bois. It’s guaranteed to set up those you serve for disappointment. Ditto regarding that line of nickels along the length of your erection, or using your penile shaft to model assorted wristwatches. Finally, never send limp-sausage pix; conversely, never send cast-iron girder pix, either. Instead, just work-up a semi with a come-hither wink in your eye. Lustfully inviting, you’re revealing the possibility of larger developments on this issue. It’s a turn-on from every point of view.
Dear Howard: I’ve had a penis my whole life, a semi-permanent erection most of my adult life, and a solid ash, Louisville Slugger every single morning that I’ve woken up. Still, I’m always discovering something new about this bizarre chunk of tenderloin dangling ’tween my thighs. Dude, did you know sperm has actual calories in it? Some otter giving me a b.j. the other day said most any average, healthy blast contains something like 50 calories! — Call Me Stupid
Dear Stoopid: Well, uhm, yeah, I kinda did know that little penile factoid, although 50 calories may be stretching it just a bit. Regardless, the exertion extended in which to extract said feast easily makes it a calorie-negative endeavor, no matter how many courses you may be served.
In the 19-plus years now — off and on — that I’ve been steadily plying this sex columnist gig here in our great state of Texas, my stockpile of fatuous factoids regarding the male reproductive organ practically now rivals the heft of a Guttenberg Bible.
Just take these 10 titillating examples: 1. Smoking is anathema to big wood; it can shorten the length of your erection by up to 1 cm. 2. Male orgasms last, on average, six seconds; females, 23 seconds. 3. One man in 400 is blessed well enough to perform self-fellatio. 4. The largest penis ever recorded is 34 cm. (13.5 inches) and the man sporting it has refused to appear in porn films (traitor!). 5. A full teaspoon of sperm contains 7 calories. 6. At least 42 different types of bacteria are to be found on the head of any given penis, at any time (less, if circumcised).
7. A penis retired from sexual activity is an erection that will ultimately shrink by 1-2 cm: Use it or lose it. 8. At least one known animal flaunts its genitalia on its head (some obscure fish in Vietnam called, appropriately, Phallostethus Cuulong). 9. The circumcised skin of newborns allows doctors to grow more than 23 cubic meters of human skin in a laboratory, a boon for severe burn victims. 10. Engaging in missionary sex forces the penis into the shape of a boomerang.
And on and on and on it goes, our never-ceasing world of phallic curios.
—Howard Lewis Russell
It’ll have officially turned springtime next time I’m back, my colorful bunnies. Have a March Hare question for Howard? Y’all know how to reach me: AskHoward@dallasvoice.com.
