Just before the screaming starts …
Welcome, welcome, oh venomous Inauguration Day 2025! My, you sure struck quickly! Rumors swirl, unchallenged, that the black mamba, Earth’s most lethal viper is to be the new mascot gracing our reimagined White House’s imperial flag and coat of arms … At least Trump didn’t go outside the box.
Listen up my fellow LGBTQ patriots. Seriously; listen:
Every single one of us knows of at least one — maybe several — people within our individual orbits who remain currently undocumented. Those of you who are attorneys, we all need you, desperately, to extend a helping — pro bono hand, please?
We gotta seize the truth of what’s coming, people. The warnings are dire, and no stone must go unturned within our shrinking power to expedite providing friends, family and neighbors with Green Cards. Trust me, ICE agents will come a-knockin’ at community doors some dark day, and sooner than we think. Brace for it!
Y’all know the feeling of being strapped into the biggest, highest, most badass rollercoaster at the amusement park. You’ve “lucked” your way into the front two seats with a wide open, unobscured panorama of your clickety-clackety vertical lurch up to Hell’s summit. Just over your arm rail, too soon, a bottomless maw gapes up. Your eyes squint in disbelief. The clicking stops — that endless, airless microsecond just before the plunge.
Let’s go screaming into the abyss right to it, shall we?
Amidst our return to an ambiance of chaos, as more and more countries follow lock-step behind L’Orange’s baked-in terrors, enlightened lands offering beacons of welcoming amnesty are sparking out. Every crossable border on Earth is being sealed, patrolled and boarded shut. Impossible living situations go ignored. Trespassers will be ordered to turn back or be shot on the spot. Slush reigns supreme.
Starting Jan. 20 — a Black Monday if ever there was one — America will have twice now inaugurated a man who will lead us into nowhere, a virulent blob of toxic protoplasm pulsating hate, throbbing of apathy, glowing of nothing aspirational from within. Everything is fake, rigged or a witch-hunt scam. Lively debates stem around “deep state” roadkill. Unsurprisingly, gullibility rages pandemic.
Nobody believes there’s a real truth anymore.
Oh, and surprise, surprise! Whether its inhabitants like it or not, looks like Greenland is gonna get to be our 51st state! Who’d have ever thunk it just two weeks ago? Why would so adamant a disavower of global warming ever, remotely, covet such a colossal chunk of ice-covered nothingness? Well, because Greenland is melting faster than even Los Angeles last week went up in flames. That’s why.
An even more poignant perspective goes as follows: Owned by Denmark, the Danes have permitted Greenland be self-ruled since 1979. Although the largest island in the world, it boasts a population of a mere 58,000. Yuma, Arizona is more densely occupied than Greenland.
Traditionally, fishing and tourism have been its economic drivers, but with this mega-popsicle shedding its ice sheets into the sea at record pace, suddenly vast deposits of coal, zinc, iron ore, copper and rare earth minerals are becoming too enticing a lure for First World nations facing depletion to resist. And China’s begun pawing around its icy shores lately, too.
Hence, L’Orange — publicly, a climate-crisis denialist — intends to beat China to the Arctic’s “Polar Silk Road” of trade, and blockade its increasingly ice-free shipping lanes. It’s just so much faster and easier, you know, for transport ships to sail over the top of the planet rather than around it, what with the North Pole, formerly frozen year-round, now regularly dissolving into open water from August through September. (Come 2030, that will stretch from June to October.)
Prior to seizing Greenland outright, Trump will first make a sham showmanship to follow the lead of President Truman who in 1946 offered to purchase Greenland from Denmark for $100 million (in gold!). But seeing as how Denmark wouldn’t sell then to a respected Truman, it surely has no intention of forfeiting to the devious Trump. But Trump, never burdened by the horrors of integrity anyhow, will then simply claim it his own, the Danes be damned.
And what are they going to do about it? Nothing. Will Denmark go to war with America over what amounts, globally, to little more than petty theft? No. Will other fellow NATO alliances take a stand in the sand defending Denmark? No. Greenland is Trump’s for the plucking.
And the real reason he wants it? Just as faraway Australia once proved the panacea of Great Britain’s undesirables problem, what more convenient a dumping ground (and the perfect solution regarding all our own illegal vermin) than to charitably “rehouse” them in beautiful, balmy Greenland? True, nary a tree will so much as grow in the place; nonetheless, for those hungry enough, a few root vegetables can now be coaxed from what amounts to its summer.
Paradise, found!
This Trump redux will indeed prove to be a hellscape. Everywhere, retribution crackles the air. Over at Facebook and Instagram, in Zuckerberg’s latest wag-the-dog homage to our incoming Felon in Chief and his MAGA minions, all of Meta’s DEI (Diversity, Equality, and Inclusion) programs are receiving immediate and eternal mummification — a result of “the changing legal landscape.” It’s so nice to see subs, Zuckerburger and Elongate, both taking turns as to who can rim out L’Orange’s butt deeper.
Trump makes no bones about vengeance being the girders of his administration’s national policy. Just throw a dart in the air anywhere toward D.C. and it’ll land on something soon to be obliterated.
However, of all L’Orange’s Machiavellian mental-mincemeats, my personal favorite is his whacko declaration to change the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America. I can’t help but wonder how challenging a construction project might it be to convert Mar-a-Lago into an asylum for the criminally insane?
A new gauge needs invention to measure the scope of this traitor’s machinations; i.e., his upcoming promise of granting full amnesty to all the January 6 insurrectionists: “It will be my honor to pardon the peaceful protestors, the hostages.” And magically, presto! More than 800 convicted criminals shall be instantly unleashed — stewing, seething — and snarling back into circulation.
Already, the pace of his lunacy is at full gallop, what with the Department of Education to be dismembered, income taxes eliminated and all non-native Americans evicted from U.S. soil (who aren’t Caucasian). Plus, lest we forget, a new 25-percent tariff on all imports, guaranteeing prices will skyrocket for our daily goods. We manufacture practically nothing ourselves here anymore, and Americans won’t work for slave wages. Bye, bye, Walmart!
But hey! At least all the Chapter 11 golf courses licensing L’Orange’s name in the Middle East will suddenly flourish.
So, all you adventure-seekers, sit back. Relax. Your Stockholm Syndrome carriage has arrived! It’s gonna happen anyhow, so why not try to enjoy the ride? Just no screaming, folks, remember?
— Howard Lewis Russell
Send your February bone-chillers, guys, to AskHoward@dallasvoice.com.