I want to thank the Great State of Texas for having the sanity to only hold legislative sessions every two years. Otherwise, we would have even more ludicrous legislation getting passed and signed into law!
I have been getting a lot of questions from my friends from out of state lately about 2025’s Senate Bill 8, colloquially known as “the bathroom bill.” (I always thought it sounded like the nickname for a creepy lurker at a rest stop — “Bathroom Bill” — and indeed it does have those implications.)
At the heart of SB 8 is the thoroughly unfounded and ridiculous belief that transgender folk only realign their gender in order to spy on women in bathrooms and locker rooms. That speaks volumes about the bill’s authors and much less about the imagined “problem” the bill supposedly addresses. This silly and mean-spirited legislation does at least carve out exceptions for janitorial staff and parents bringing their small children into the restrooms, yet it neglects to provide any method of enforcement for the law.
The law applies only to multiple-occupancy restrooms, locker rooms and changing facilities in government-owned buildings, public schools and universities. It also imposes fines on the operators of those facilities for infractions, not on the individuals who might need to relieve themselves.
Again, there is no mandate on exactly how to enforce the law.
So, I have a modest proposal — or, perhaps, it is an immodest one.
I propose a citizen militia to ensure that only people with the correct genitalia are allowed in the designated restrooms. I also propose starting with patrols outside restrooms designated for “Men.” Before any person enters a men’s room, they will be asked to provide a birth certificate showing their assigned gender at birth, or, should they not have access to one, to submit to a brief inspection of their genitalia to prove their compliance.
I am imagining this patrol should begin at our State Capitol and, since our legislators found it such a pressing issue, that they would gladly acquiesce to the inspection. I know this might place some burden on my trans-masculine friends, and so I propose enlisting them as inspectors to assist in the enforcement of the law.
The creation of a Citizen’s Gender Patrol would ensure that our legislators would comprehend the full effect and inconvenience of this bill. As far as protecting women — which was the alleged reason for the bill — I would expect my lesbian and trans-feminine friends to help enforce this for “Women’s” rooms as well.
The discomfort should be spread equally, as the bill intends.
As silly as this all sounds, remember we are dealing with the fragile masculinity of Texas legislators, and, though most of them are “irony impaired,” perhaps the humiliation of having to prove their gender just to empty their bladder might make an impression.
And while we are on the subject of enforcing idiotic legislation, the so-called “drag ban” — Senate Bill 12 from 2023, which goes into effect for the first time on Wednesday, March 18, after the Texas Supreme Court lifted an injunction against its enforcement, put in place by the district court while lawsuits challenging SB 12 move through the courts — might be the next in line for our patrol.
Specifically, this bill bans performances that appeal to a “prurient interest in sex” and use accessories or prosthetics to exaggerate sexual characteristics.
By that definition, those prosthetically enhanced cheerleaders at football games might just be the target of such a ban. After all, at professional football games where there are children present, the cheerleaders are jumping up and down, bouncing their secondary sexual characteristics in suggestive manners. And that would fit the definition of illegal activity according to the bill.
This bill relies on citizen enforcement since complaints would have to be filed against the establishment for specific violations. Sounds like another job for the Citizens Gender Patrol!
Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, you are on notice!
As I look toward the next legislative session in a couple of years, I anticipate the Citizens Gender Patrol will have plenty more objectives to accomplish. Perhaps I should start taking applications for enlistment and, more importantly, elicit some fashionable uniform designs!
Hardy Haberman is a longtime local LGBTQ+ activist and a board member of the Woodhull Freedom Alliance. His blog is at DungeonDiary.blogspot.com.