An immodest proposal

Since the Texas Legislature seems to have a prurient interest in what is inside peoples’ underwear and have attempted to put that into law with Senate Bill 8 — colloquially known as the Bathroom Bill — it is time we, as good and upright citizens of the state of Texas, take it as our personal duty to maintain the full force of this bill.

If you have been living under a rock (or in a civilized state), you might not know the details of this insipid piece of legislation. Essentially, it restricts use of bathrooms at public and charter schools, public universities and government buildings as well as family violence shelters, prisons and jails to the assigned sex at birth of the individuals using these facilities.

The irrational fear this bill is designed to stoke is that men posing as women could gain access to public facilities and spy on the women and girls inside.

First of all, this is a huge and obvious projection of the prurient interests of the majority of legislators who think that the only reason anyone would change their gender is to have a peep show on unsuspecting women and girls. I guess the biological need to relieve a full bladder would have no bearing on what takes place in a public restroom?

I have many transgender friends, and not one of them wants to go into a restroom or locker room to spy on anyone — and I know a lot of kinky people!

This bill has fines and legal repercussions for those found violating the law as well as fines for the school or institution “allowing” it to happen. The law sets some serious penalties indeed — fines up to $25,000 — but it offers absolutely no method for enforcing or policing the actions of anyone using a public facility other than the threat of those fines.

So…

I propose that, as a good and honest citizen of the Great State of Texas, each of us should begin demanding proof that individuals using the facilities are indeed the gender they present as.

I also believe that this community service should start at the Texas State Capitol and office buildings.

I also believe that we as good citizens of the Great State of Texas, in an effort to support this law, should demand proof from anyone entering a public restroom showing their gender, either through presentation of a valid and notarized birth certificate or — and here is the tricky part — a visual inspection of the person’s genitals to prove they belong in that particular restroom.

Since the legislators seemed so worried that men would sneak into the women’s restroom, they forgot that sneaky transgender men might do the same. So I propose we begin this enforcement at the men’s restrooms and facilities.

If someone entering the restroom is unwilling to prove their gender, we can have 911 on speed dial and call the authorities on the offending person.

The members of the Texas Legislature need to feel the full brunt of their insipid actions, and, whether it is upstanding citizens like us or registered public health officials, we must strictly enforce this law!

Without the full enforcement of this law, it is just a cynical attempt to gin up votes, and surely no one would believe that could be the case!

I also propose we have shirts printed with bold lettering across the back stating “Gender Patrol.”

It is a long-standing tradition that citizens can come together to bring the lawlessness of our state under control, and vigilantes and militia are well-established methods to enforce the law in the lawless prairies of Texas.

It’s time we used the nonsense being spewed from the Texas State Capitol to humiliate and intimidate the very legislators spewing it.

Hardy Haberman is a longtime local LGBT activist and a board member of the Woodhull Freedom Alliance. His blog is at DungeonDiary.blogspot.com.