As one goes through life on this sphere we call Earth, thoughts of what it’s all about and what does “it” mean will eventually permeate through all the clutter and noise of life.
As a gay man in Dallas who is waving goodbye to middle age and reluctantly realizing that the days of reckless abandon have escaped my grasp, I observe those who do not have the life experience I possess.
Having the great fortune, among many of my experiences, of traveling the world as a young, wide-eyed singer/dancer and performing for dignitaries and heads of state, I can look at life and the younger gay men with wonder and concern.
Fortunately or not, I have passed the point in my existence where I desire to be the hottest guy in the room. As diligently as I tried, I was never the hottest guy in the room, ever, but the quest usually creeps into one’s wish list at some point in life.
Now, if I’m the hottest guy in the room, it’s time to change rooms. Not that I just crawled out from under a rock by any means, but the veil has been lifted on the need to be the “it” guy. At this station in life (53), I think I am holding it together pretty well, actually. Thank goodness for skin care, hair color, teeth whitening/porcelain veneers, spray tans, lasik surgery, manscaping … the list could go on.
The moments when I am jolted back into reality if I drift into some false sense of youthful entitlement are when I pass a usually younger, attractive man and he gives the classic “glance away.” Realizing he doesn’t want any sort of human interaction, after locking eyes, he looks away as quickly as the vertebrae in his neck will allow his head to turn without permanent damage. Add to that the ego-crushing eye roll and quick escape to a safer, younger, non-threatening groups of guys.
If you are wondering if you’ve ever done that to someone, you probably have. I know I have and want to take this moment to apologize to any gentlemen who have suffered by this thoughtless behavior … wherever you are.
I would venture to guess that if we took a poll, most guys would have no clue that they even do this. Some others may revel in their “glance away” expertise. Suffice it to say, it’s a tough world out there for all of us.
Older, younger, hot/stud, nerd. Everyone has their fears of inadequacy. It’s hard to imagine some young, bronzed, square-jawed muscle god having any sense of what the rest of us wrestle with in our minds when it comes to life, love, relationships and self-worth. I have been out and had friends comment on some exceptionally gifted male specimen: “Wow, look at that!” My comment is usually: “Yes, he’s beautiful. I just wonder if he’s happy?” Just sayin’.
— Jason Thomas
Dallas
Excellent article, and a fact of gay life that more than just you can relate to I’m quite sure.
Really enjoyed this article. The circle of gay life is very unique. Even more so for us in our 50’s who lost so many friends to HIV.
Very good article. I enjoyed it very much. I am a gay male age 69 who lost his life mate of 37 years about 5 years ago.
Well said.
Brava!
Jason. not everyone glanced away but the ones who did passed up the opportunity to know you and become a friend. Great article.
Excellent column. I have found that luckily the Leather Community values the few “elders” left and as I drift into that lofty group, I feel grateful that a leather jacket covers a multitude of sins. I was never the hottest guy in the room, except in body temperature.
Your article has me puzzled. I have a few questions and some comments because the text seems to be full of contradictions.
Let me preface my comments by saying I am middle aged (will be turning 43 this year) and I battle daily with keeping the weight under control and staying fit. I do all right when it comes to making connections with other men, and other times I couldn’t pay someone to come home with me. Age, in many respects, is just a number and old/young is a mindset. However, there is such a thing as age-appropriate behavior, and living in denial.
Here are a few examples of general, non age-appropriate behavior: 1)
Dressing like you’re still a junior in college. Clothing chains like Abercrombie & Fitch, American Eagle, etc., are stores built around and marketed to TEENAGERS and college-aged consumers. Once one hits the age of 25, you do no exist for these retailers in terms of their core demographics. You are NO longer supposed to be wearing these brands! Trust! There’s nothing more pathetic than observing an otherwise attractive man in his late 30’s or mid 40’s decked out in the A&F uniform trying to blend in the with a coven of 23 year olds decked out in similar uniforms. That ship sailed years ago and it’s time to move on! By no means am I suggesting it’s time to switch to the Sears and JC Penney polo shirt and pleated khaki crowd. There’s plenty of very stylish and appropriate clothing made by Perry Ellis, Claiborne, Calvin Klein, Hilfiger, Banana Republic, and Kenneth Cole that accentuate your positives and leave you not looking like a clown. 2)
Emotionally stunted men who still can’t tell the difference between “hello” and “marry me.” There’s and old saying that goes something like this: What do you get when you combine a chair, a book, and a candle? Answer: A chair, a book, and a candle. In other words, someone smiling, nodding, and saying “hello” to you at a bar is JUST that. It’s not an automatic invitation to come home and sleep with the guy or to move in with him. The averted glances for which you have such disdain happen for a reason. I know from personal experience and I also guarantee that anyone reading this post can relate to endless instances where a simple, friendly glance or gesture across the room at the Roundup or JR’s turned into a near stalking experience! All I did was say hello and smile at you. It does not mean I give you carte blanche to be all over me for the rest of the night like white on rice! Next time someone looks away from you, ask yourself: “Is this guy just being a youth obsessed jerk, or is it possible I’m sending signals that are creeping him out because I’ve been standing in the same spot and staring at him non-stop for the past 28 minutes?” 3)
There’s more to gay culture than the Cedar Springs strip. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with letting loose and having some crazy time at your favorite bars every now and then. But seriously, every Friday night? Every Saturday night? Every Sunday afternoon tea dance? The Dallas Voice has a generous listing of social or sport organizations that accept people from all walks of life and ages for socializing and meeting people that doesn’t have to end up with three, four, or eight cocktails. While we’re on the subject of bars, let’s be clear that each gay bar has its own, unique crowd in terms of interests and age. Woody’s if for the guy who likes sports, Eagle is the leather bar, and S4 (like it or not) is for the under 30 crowd. Again, ask yourself: “Is it possible that the reason all these young, hot guys are ignoring me and averting their glances is because I’m sticking out like a sore thumb as the sole 53 year old man in a dance club full of 26 year olds?”
I could be totally off base and have completely misinterpreted your article Mr. Thomas, but the impression left with me is that your attempt to criticize and chastise gay youth actually speaks more about your own insecurities and unease with getting older.
Your article implies very heavily that you prefer to pursue younger men. I have to ask: What is a 53 year old man doing cruising men that are two or three decades younger? In doing so, what is it that you expect to gain or compensate for? What have you got against men your own age? You lament whether or not the youngster you’re ogling is truly “happy”, because he won’t take the opportunity to get to know someone who can share his wisdom when it comes to “life, love, relationships, and self-worth”, but I wonder if YOU are truly “happy” if you choose to deny yourself a fulfilling relationship with a man who can share the same wisdom and kindred spirit who happens to be your own age? Is the “youth-obsession” TRULY emanating from that “exceptionally gifted male specimen” or, is it your own unhealthy obsession with the loss of your youth with which you can’t come to terms? No one is going to hate you if you skip a spray tan or teeth bleaching appointment now and then. Just sayin!
it is probably one of those things that is hard to adequately put into words but the gist is this, in most cases where good health prevails, the man that is inside of the mind, heart and soul doesn’t feel that much different mentally than he felt when he was much younger but a glance in the mirror reminds us otherwise. I have also found myself noticing certain actors that I once thought of as being an older individual now look almost like kids. Of course there are some changes in taste, recreational activites and in lifestyles that do occur but so much remains with us even through the years. I clearly remember getting my first PC when I was 36 (1998) and was quite surprised to find out that, according to most profiles, I had expired the previous year when I was 35! Now that’s just one of my humorous observations of the internet hook-up life. Those of us “Silver Suzies” also have to remember that, yes, we were the one’s glancing away when someone 35 or older would cruise us with persistance. Unless you die young your day will arrive as well and then you will understand. I always say to the younger guys that I know that the best thing they can do is live life to it’s fullest, strive to be the kind of person that you would want to be around but mostly to not get mired down in senseless drama that seems so all consuming to you but down the road will be just a pebble that was in your path.
I very much like the article and the supportive comments. I also enjoyed the “counter point” written and posted by Jon Cooper. I think, when it is all said and done, what one thing that is lacking solidly in the gay community is the simple concept of “UNITY” that is part of the word itself. Sometimes, just sometimes, maybe it’s less about where one might fall in the natural pecking order of attraction and more about where one might fall in the category of character. Who I am attracted to physically, I have learned, is often in contrast to who I am attracted to emotionally and that is a dilemna for me to solve – not others by what they wear, how old they are or how big their muscles are.
youth has gone ,lol well it has lol im 44 my youth has gone ..ooooh well i still feel young and i dont look to old..you know wot i,m kinda looking forward to getting older,ill be set free in a way..ill be set free from worrying wot i look like[as long as im healthy]be set free from the tyranny of butch.or you know wot its lke haveing to pretend to be butch.and all that bullshit ill be set free to just ….be…i can grow my hair real long maybe color it ,give it a hint of a tint,lol…be as camp as i like..be eccentric be quentin crisp..you see i wont be seen as sexual ill be asexual..ill be relieved from that pressure of being..hot…butch..a good fuck..god wot a relife
I think that this article makes several good points about how difficult it can be to age in the gay community and develop new life roles. Jon Cooper makes some good points on ways that one can do that, but I have several middle-aged friends who struggle. They participate in several community activities, yet clearly have difficulties coping with their age. They draw little pleasure from those “age appropriate activities” discussed in other comments. This article seems to be talking about a cultural crossroads that so many gay men face, where they either learn to embrace their age or run from it out of fear. Also, when you turn on the television, you do not see many shows showcasing “age appropriate” middle-aged activities. If those are shown at all, it is usually in a way that is making it seem pathetic or amusing.
I’m 41. I enjoyed the column as well as the comments. To John Cooper: 1. I didn’t think the column implied that he was chasing after 23 year olds. 2. I wear American Eagle shirts BECAUSE THEY FIT ME (and they are affordable as well). There is nothing especially twinky about the design of AE polo shirts. I’m 5’8″ and 130.