Lack of special form designating who is in charge of arrangements can leave same-sex couples vulnerable
Arranging a funeral for a loved one is never easy.
For same-sex couples, having all the legal paperwork signed and copied is an integral part of planning for that time. According to Kate Moore, co-owner of Forest Lawn Funeral Home, cohabitating couples of all sexualities should sign a form called Appointment of Agent to Control Disposition of Remains.
“Without that document, I am legally bound to listen to the next of kin,” she said in a phone interview.
Almost daily, Moore said, families come in to plan a funeral, expecting that their role as executor of the will authorizes them to do so. However, power of attorney ends at death, and a will is not official until it has been through the probate courts, which can take weeks or even months, according to Moore.
“[A will] is useless, as far as planning a funeral is concerned,” said Moore. “The blood relatives can come in and take everything over. They can request for certain people to not be present at the funeral, and I have to enforce it.”
The Appointment of Agent form came about originally in 1989, and was later amended in 1993. According to Barkley Miller, a Dallas attorney, the form allows people to make decisions about their funeral arrangements while they are still alive. Although you don’t need a lawyer to get the form (it’s available online and at some funeral homes, including Forest Lawn), it must be notarized.
“The purpose of the form is to put that power back where it belongs,” said Miller, “with the decedent.”
According to Joel Lazarine, legal director at the Dallas Legal Hospice, the document came about because of HIV issues. At funerals for HIV-positive people, families sometimes imposed their morality and even claimed that the person had “renounced their sinful lifestyle” just before the end, he said.
“People were concerned,” said Lazarine in a phone interview. “They thought, “‘What if my family does this?’ It affected a lot of people across class lines.”
When Lazarine’s partner passed away 12 years ago, he was grateful to have all the paperwork in order. Even though many large funeral homes did not honor the document at that time, the couple searched until they found one that did.
“Your first question should always be, “‘Do you honor the document?'” he said. “Especially for cremations.”
According to Moore and Lazarine, it doesn’t matter if a funeral has been prearranged and prepaid if the surviving partner does not have the Appointment of Agent form. Within the form, Lazarine said, the living person can specify any limitations or instructions they would like to include, such as the location for the dispersion of ashes upon cremation.
“People don’t want to think about this issue,” said Lazarine. “You need to list an agent that you know will look out for your best wishes. Recent law has backed people’s rights, as long as it’s done in writing.”
Carrie and Elisia Ross-Stone, authors of “Lesbian Grandmothers from Mars” and partners in Rainbow Law, stress the importance to have as many copies of statements in writing as possible.
They suggest making multiple copies for clergy members, doctors and family. Storing the document in an easily accessible place, in case of an emergency, is also extremely important, they said.
“Your significant other is already going to be grieving, and potentially facing hostile families, judges and hospital staff,” said Carrie Ross-Stone in a phone interview. “The more written material you have to empower and benefit this person, the better.”
E-mail freed@dallasvoice.com
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition, October 20, 2006.