Orgasms make me sick
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Dear Jen,
I’m a 20 year-old lesbian who hasn’t done anything sexual with another person yet. I get turned on easily, and I masturbate all the time.
My problem is: I can’t keep going after I come even though I’d love to.
During the build-up, I’m thinking, “I could do this for hours.” But as soon as I come, I can almost feel the whoosh of my hormones receding. And I feel exhausted, disgusted and uninterested almost to the point where if I were to keep going for another one, I’d vomit.
I’ve had this problem since I started masturbating when I was 14, and I can’t seem to force myself to shake it.
I’m afraid this problem will translate into my sex life when I finally have one. How can I improve the situation? Any tips?
One-Hit Wonder
Dear One,
Every year I go backpacking with two friends of mine. We stumble around an endless landscape of taffy-colored rock. There are no other people and no trails. So if you’re anything like me, you either go with friends who have super-human navigational skills or you spend the end of your trip being eaten by birds.
One year, a rare thing occurred: We saw another human being out there. We were perched on top of this purple, cone-shaped rock overlooking a valley, and off in the distance was a guy darting around like he had ants in his pants, which was incredibly entertaining. Then we saw him bend down to fill his water bottle in a tiny, foul desert puddle. We realized he must be delirious and lost, so we started yelling and waving at him.
In mere moments, he was at our feet, bug-eyed with terror and nearly weeping with relief. We gave him some water, fed him an apple and pointed to his tent, which was about 500 feet away. That was when he really started crying.
You’re like that guy blindly stumbling around while the answer is just around the corner.
If you weren’t so ashamed of your “problem,” you’d realize that you are perfectly normal.
One of the oldest jokes in the book is about the guy who gives you his two minutes of thunder and then rolls over and goes to sleep.
Women can usually re-charge faster than men, but the clit has 8,000 nerve endings and all get flushed with blood when you come. That means it can actually hurt if you try to play with her right after an orgasm. Even though men are more famous for it, lots of women join the snooze crew once they come, too.
The real issue here isn’t your lack of ability to rev up again. Your problem is your gag reflex towards your own sexual pleasure.
I’m thrilled that you masturbate like the dickens. But I don’t like the way you feel all pukey afterwards.
Could this be the reason why you haven’t slept with anyone else? Not that there’s anything wrong with being a virgin. But I’d hate to think that you’ve remained one because you’re disgusted and nauseated by sex not because you don’t feel ready.
If you get mighty real with yourself, it might behoove you to talk to a therapist who can help you navigate your way into someone else’s pants.
Medicine man
Dear Jen,
I’m worried that I’ll remain single forever because people might view me as being weak if I take anti-anxiety, anti-depressant medications.
Please bear with my irrational paranoia.
I know this sounds stupid, but I’ve actually met some people who think that I really don’t need the medications. Or that somehow, a good long roll in the hay will cure all that biochemical junk in my head.
On the other hand, I’ve met people who maintain relationships while being on any number of medications. What gives?
Medicated and Single
Dear Medicated,
I don’t know whether or not you should be medicated. But I do know that many people who aren’t but sorely need to be are getting laid, but and they still wash their hands 37 times a day.
Your problem isn’t the fact that you’re on medication. Your problem is the perception you have about the fact that you’re on medication.
We live in a society that has yet to graduate from high school and move beyond our obsession with being part of the cool crowd: rich, thin, under 30, mentally and physically fit, popular and perfect. But the majority of us don’t fit that criteria.
The only ones who’ve found true happiness are the ones who’ve learned to love themselves just the way they are.
The other night, I saw this woman in a bar. She had a big fat ass, fleshy arms, a pudgy, dimply face all poured into a little hoochie-mama outfit. She was having so much fun and thought she was the sexiest thing. So did everyone else in that bar. That’s the kind of person you want to take your cues from.
Stop referring to yourself as stupid, irrational and paranoid because people (yourself included) will start to believe you.
The sooner you focus on how fabulous you are, the sooner you’ll attract someone who feels the same regardless of how many pills you choke down each morning.
Jen Sincero lives in Venice Beach district of Los Angeles. She’s a syndicated columnist and the author of “Don’t Sleep with Your Drummer” (MTV Books) and “The Straight Girls Guide to Sleeping with Chicks” (Fireside).
E-mail: advice@jensincero.com
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition December 7, 2007