Remember guys: It’s not about the pool!
The gay pool party is like a red carpet, blind date and job interview all rolled into one treacherous venture but disguised as a casual social gathering. It’s also one of the consistently major events in the entire gay social calendar. There are many potential pitfalls, and it requires great planning and preparation for flawless execution. You cannot simply receive an invitation with a date, time and address with the title “Pool Party” and show up with hope in your heart. Emily Post is woefully neglectful in her coverage of the intricacies of this vital gay function, so let’s explore it.
First, the vast majority of gay pool parties are not actually pool parties. The host will call it a pool party. The invitation will say “pool party.” The other invitees who mention it with a feigned casual air in passing to find out if you were actually invited will call it a pool party. Do not be fooled!!!
The pool is the location and a lovely set piece which serves as the background for the vital “I was there” Instagram photos, but you are not — and this cannot be emphasized enough — you are not intended to use the pool. A brave (or foolish) few will jump in; do not be one of them. Using the pool will lead to whispered mockery, side-eye scorn and, as the alcohol flows unaccompanied by anything from the lovely but untouched spread of food, outright ridicule.
The super-gay pool party invitation will always say it is celebrating something, someone or some organization, but that is not its true purpose. No, the purpose of the pool party is to stand and model, to see and be seen, and it should be treated with the utmost respect. Like The Hunger Games. This comparison is particularly apt because in order to successfully navigate the summer pool party, you should have stopped eating in February. If you are visiting California or Miami, where pool party season begins in March, say goodbye to enjoying meals at the holidays and dive headfirst into the refusing-to-die kale craze.
Having clearly established that the gay pool party is a look-see function comparable to the couture runway shows of Milan, it should be clear that physical appearance and attire are 90 percent of surviving the outing unscathed. If you did not spend all of the winter months rigorously continuing a strict workout and dietary regimen in preparation for the first pool party of the season reveal, well … good luck.
If you did manage to retain your self-discipline through the dreary winter months when going to the gym feels like a Sisyphean task, congratulations. (I hate you a little bit, but well done, sir! For the record, those endorphin things you are supposed to get after a workout that make it feel so rewarding once you get through it — mine are broken.)
Attire is the second half of the all-important, appearance-is-everything aspect of the gay pool party. It’s not enough that you suffered to sustain that six-pack and perfect triangle shape, you can still be outed as a fraud if you don’t dress correctly. Those board shorts? Sir, remember, you are not getting in the pool. Secondly, you are not surfing, or at some mixed company gathering, or with children or at a waterpark. Board shorts have no place here.
The overall attire for this gathering is garden-party casual, never actually a swimsuit. Linen and seersucker freely abound. Medium fitted V-necks that seem to have a 50-50 chance of losing the battle with your bulging biceps also work. Hamptons summer-chic works well at a gay pool party in any part of the country for a preppier, stylish choice. Tasteful tank tops are the lowest end allowed. Yes, tasteful tank tops are totally a thing now, when paired with fashionable shorts or pants and shoes. A tank tops/flip- flops combo should be reserved for the beach. For a stylish form of flip-flops to be apropos, they cannot be the freshman-dorm-worn-to-the shower sort; they must be fashionable, and a dressier shirt/pants pairing is a must.
Sunglasses are the finishing touch to the gay pool party ensemble. They allow you to safely scan the crowd, but ensure they are completely opaque. It’s important not to move your head when people watching, or judging, or ignoring that boring guy you got stuck talking to in order to bulge watch, or the gig will be up. Do not wear your gas station sunglasses because you are one of those “I break or lose or sit on my sunglasses all the time” people. I feel your pain. But do not wear them.
There is the tiniest caveat to the attire mandates. Designer swimwear (PacSun, H&M and Target are not designers, boys!) that is fitted or imitates the short-shorts trend can be done … carefully. The adorable bulge-enhancing Speedo or fitted square cut you are wearing underneath your ensemble is truly just a safety net in the tragic event someone throws you in the pool. Then, and only then, can you reveal it.
Additionally, you do not start getting a tan at a pool party. Your tan plan should be factored in well in advance of your first gay pool party of the season. Whether it is a bought base tan, laying out in advance, or a spray (dear god, don’t get a spray tan the day of!), you should already be the skin color you prefer. Before you get there.
And wear sunscreen so you don’t get an awful tank top/V-neck/fitted polo tan line, or you’ll have to fix that before the next party!
If you’ve managed to do all of these things, congratulations, you are ready for the gay pool party! It should be noted that if you are someone’s plus-one —or plus-seven because you are part of a hot posse — it’s all the more important you do not fail at any of these tasks. The gay pool party is an opportunity to mix up your dating pool, network or just stand from a well-placed vantage point and judge everyone else for an afternoon. It can be a wonderful time, if you approach it with the respect it deserves. Just don’t eat anything. Before, during or after.
Or, you could just create a gathering of people you already know and like, wear whatever you like and eat whatever you want in and around a pool where the point is fun and relaxation using a pool as it is intended to be used and have an actual party.
But where’s the fun in that?
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition August 15, 2014.