Resolve sexual tension at the homefront, make a move on straight roomie
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Dear Jen,
My roommate and I have been living together for about a year. He’s straight, and I’m gay. He’s hot, and I’m losing my mind.
He also has a girlfriend. But whenever she’s not around, he flirts with me like crazy strutting around the apartment in his skivvies, asking me to rub his neck (which I gladly do).
He knows I lust after him, but I’m scared to make a move because we have a great living situation. And I’m pretty sure he’d freak out. I can’t take it anymore. What should I do?
Want to Mate With My Roomie
Dear Mate,
“Straight” is the flimsiest word in the English language second only to “never” and “just friends.”
“Could you rub my neck, dude?”
Puh-leeze! Girlfriend shmirlfriend.
Cocky McTeaserson is totally asking for it. Whether or not he’ll ever admit to that, however, is hard to say. He may be one of those selfish, insecure types who thrives on suckers like you: guys who’ll shovel coal into his giant ego furnace and act like you’re delusional should your neck rubs wander to regions south. Either that or he’ll have his ankles around your ears so fast you’ll think his ass is on fire. Who knows? But I think it’s high time you found out.
Jump his straight bones. Or at least have a little talkiepoo.
Either way, you don’t have a whole lot to lose, because, contrary to what you think, you don’t have a great living situation (that is unless you think living with a constant state of blue-balls is a good time).
Call his bluff. Then you can let the elephant out of the room and get on with your life. Maybe you’ll get laid. Maybe you’ll move out. Or maybe he’ll put some pants on and ask the person he’s actually dating to rub his sore bits instead of you.
She loves me, she loves me not
Dear Jen,
I’m a lesbian and have been dating this great woman for six months. We have a lot in common. We’re very sexually compatible. And sometimes we talk twice a day.
She occasionally says, “I love you” at the close of conversations, yet insists she is not “in love.”
She also says she’s not ready for a relationship but wants to date me exclusively. She insists she isn’t dating any one else, yet I usually initiate our time together. If I’m so important why doesn’t she ever initiate it?
Here’s a doozie: She forgot our six-month anniversary. And when I drove by her house at 2:30 a.m. and saw her ex-girlfriend’s car outside, I barged in and discovered them in bed together. She said she hasn’t been sexual with her in four years, and doesn’t plan to be. But she also said she couldn’t promise that it wouldn’t happen again.
I finally told her I’d continue to date her until someone else comes into my life. And she said, “Okay.”
My question: What’s the difference between the terms “dating exclusively,” “friends with benefits” and “girlfriends”?
Which Box Am I In?
Dear Box,
Have you ever wandered around your house, frantically looking for your glasses, only to discover that they’re sitting on top of your head? Happens to me all the time, I’m not proud to say. It’s because I have a touch of the Not Paying Attentions. I think I’m focused on finding them, meanwhile I’m really focused on all the distracting fuzz twittering around my brain.
I’m going to save you some time and show you where your glasses are even though they’re sitting on your face.
“I’m not in love with you”
“I’m not ready for a relationship”
“I don’t care if you date other people”
“I’m not going to make an effort to spend time with you”
“I’m snuggle up with my ex-girlfriend on our anniversary”
What difference does it make defining “girlfriends” or “fuck-buddies” or “suckers” or “drama queens”?
Bottom line is: She’s just not that into you.
You can continue to date her, but don’t hold your breath waiting for her to commit. Rather, stop driving by her house in the middle of the night. Stop talking to her twice a day. Get yourself a dental damn and start getting it on with someone else.
Jen Sincero lives in the Silver Lake area of Los Angeles. She’s a syndicated columnist and the author of “The Straight Girls Guide to Sleeping with Chicks” (Fireside).
E-mail: advice@jensincero.com
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition, August 25, 2006.