Can the cowgirl of your dreams ride a scooter instead of a horse?
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Dear Jen,
I’m a woman who never has a girlfriend. I’m 35 and have had several relationships, but none of them ever rang true or lasted long. Usually, we were poorly matched, or the connection was non-workable, or one of us was more into it than the other.
I’ve felt ready to find someone for a couple of years. But it’s the same old bad situations with the wrong people. I’ve been dating online, getting set-up, looking good, putting myself out there
What’s wrong with me?
Am I doomed to grow old alone?
Where Is She Already?
Dear Where,
When people say they’re partner hunting, it’s like when little girls say, “I want a pony.” Or when a stoned person says, “I want a Big Mac.”
They have this vague idea that an excellent thing will vastly improve their present situations: Meanwhile, your subconscious knows who’s going to wind up paying for it. So it’s crucial that you and your subconscious have a little “us” talk.
Like it or not, you are your subconscious’ bitch. No matter how great something sounds, if deep down you can’t handle it or are scared, it will bite you.
How do you reprogram your subconscious?
Try meditation. Read books that make you say, “A ha!” Get therapy. Get hypnotized. Pay attention and learn from your mistakes. Pay attention and learn from people in happy relationships. And complete this exercise:
Say the following things out loud to yourself:
“I trust other people.”
“I want a partner in my life, in my face and in my heart.”
“Being with a partner would be a positive addition to my life.”
“I want to open up and deal with my issues.”
“I want to deal with someone else’s issues.”
“I deserve to be with somebody excellent.”
Repeat these everyday until you can say them without the little voice in your head screaming “Loser, please!”
Then make a list of what you want. Be super specific. Only use affirmatives.
If you want a girlfriend because you don’t want to grow old surrounded by cats, then you will grow old surrounded by cats because that’s what you’re focusing on.
Write down the details of who she is, and what your life together looks like. Read it often. Then open wide your tiny mind: Things come in unexpected packages, and you could miss the cowgirl of your dreams just because she pulls up on a scooter instead of a horse.
I have a friend who used to be a wild workaholic, travelaholic, multi-tasking freak. Then one day a spider sat down beside her, bit her, and she got a weird infection that traveled to her heart and rendered her horizontal and confused for two years.
The sickness completely changed her life. It also made her notice the quiet, gentle, lovely guy whom she would have merely left a footprint on in her other life and who is now her husband.
You have the power to get anything you want. You just have to be clear, truly want it and push through a couple of lessons before you and your pint of ice cream will have someone to join you on the couch.
Party pooper
Dear Jen,
I’m a hot, smart and fabulous 22 year old. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost a year. We’ve lived together for five months, but he’s driving me crazy. This is my first real relationship.
Before we started dating, I was a wild partier. Once we starting getting serious, I calmed down and changed my ways: He said I wasn’t single anymore and that I needed to stop acting like it. He had a point.
Now I’m working hard, taking care of my two 90-year-old grandparents and trying to finish my last year of college.
My problem is that he hates all my friends because they’re single and still like to have a good time.
He’s been cheated on in the past and all these issues are projecting into our relationship. Lately he’s been super controlling and I feel like he’s trying to change me into another version of him. Did I mention he’s a workaholic?
I want to go out with my friends, but he says its inappropriate for me to get all dressed up to go to a dance club. I like to dance, but he won’t take me dancing and doesn’t want me going out with my friends. Meanwhile I’ve never given him a reason to not trust me ever!
I love this man, but I’ve always hated seeing my friends in these kinds of relationships and I refuse to let myself be in one. Is breaking up pretty much my only option?
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Dear Should,
Don’t you have more important things to do than write me letters like this? Like remove yourself from the kind of relationship you allegedly refuse to let yourself be in?
I get letters like yours written by people who already know exactly what they need to do. They’re just too scared or insecure or into the sex to make it happen.
They pretend there’s some big mystery they have to figure out before they can leave their miserable comfort zones and let themselves be happy. You, however, see your situation for what it is.
You know that if you stay with this guy you’ll wind up watching all your friends, energy, self-confidence slowly swirl down the toilet bowl.
You know what you have to do. This isn’t your first real relationship. It’s your first crappy one. And you are clearly smart enough to make it your last if you want to.
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition October 26, 2007
I wanted to point out that a regular job where one is dedicated to making a future for both themselves and their partner does not a workaholic make. At 22 you need to decide, do you want a relationship, that is worth working together for or you want to waste your life having a party? You will end up alone, bitter, and a busted old booger. A commitment requires you stick to it during good times and bad and work together BOTH giving 100 percent to the other. Might be time to grow up.Those party friends are with you until the liquor and /or drugs run out….