Trying to avoid phonies while cruising the Internet? Before you waste a tank of gas, ask for specifics
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Dear Jen,
I’m having a problem with the guys I’m meeting online. I’m just looking to get laid, but am getting discouraged because of all the lying. If I meet one more guy who tells me he’s hung, and then I drag myself all the way over to his place only to find out he’s not, I’m going to go crazy.
What is up with that?
Do they think I won’t notice that they’re handing me a pencil when I asked for a can of spray paint?
Why is everyone wasting my time? I’m honest and very clear in my ads. I wish they would be, too.
Fed-Up Size Queen
Dear Queen,
I’m having the same sort of problem finding a couch on Craigslist.
I’m looking for a very specific size (under six feet long), but it has to be super comfortable. I keep running across people who are like, “Sure. Come on by and take it for a spin once you sit down, you won’t want to get up.”
I realize it’s open to interpretation, but since when is a spring up the butt considered comfortable?
Do they think I won’t notice? Do they hope I’ll be so smitten with the free decorative pillows they’re throwing in for that I’ll take it? Or were they born without ass nerves?
Perhaps the people you’re dealing with think their members are larger than they really are. Kind of like ugly kids whose parents tell them they’re beautiful maybe they were deluded by concerned fathers who lovingly tried to boost their egos so they’d feel confident. “Holy Jesus on a stick, will you take a look at the size of that thing, son? It looks like you’ve got a gorilla in your pants. We’re gonna have to get you a lumbar strap so you don’t blow out your back.”
Either that or they’re hoping that once you meet them, you’ll be so blown away by their charm and skill that you’ll abandon your Meat Quest and take on a lighter load. Or they’re resentful of your shallow ways and want to teach you a lesson. Who knows?
Either way a lie is a lie. It’s one of the Big Three that we all learn as children: Don’t lie. Share. Always say please and thank you.
This goes for penises too, people.
I have nothing against the lesser-endowed, but I have a big problem with people wasting other people’s time. Time is a precious commodity something we all have a very finite amount of. So I don’t blame you for being annoyed.
My only advice is to make it even clearer on your ads. Ask for measurements and photos. Explain that you’re looking for a bowling pin, not a boyfriend. And if you show up and Tiny Tim greets you, charge him for the gas.
Fine, I’ll be the top!
Dear Jen,
My boyfriend and I get along really well. We’re wicked attracted to each other, but we’re both lazy when it comes to being in charge sexually. We’re both dyed-in-the-wool bottoms, and have argued more than once about who has to do all the work.
Every once in a while, I get motivated. But I love to lie around and be serviced. Problem is, so does he.
If we could have sex without either one of us having to move, we’d be in heaven. It gets really bad if we’ve been partying the laziness, I mean which we kind of do a lot. Do you have any suggestions?
Do Me, Just Don’t Wake Me Up
Dear Wake Me,
Put down the bong. Drink a nice big cup of coffee, and figure out what’s more important to you: sleeping off your hangover while having sex, or being with this guy.
For some people, topness or bottomness is an integral part of their beings as un-negotiable as my Uncle Clem’s love for my Aunt Ida’s veal scallopini.
Clem had four open-heart surgeries, and was 200 pounds overweight when he died at 53. His doctor told him that his heart was the size of a Buick, and if he didn’t lay off the sauce, he’d be dead. Seated in his wheelchair with a napkin defiantly tucked under his chin. Clem responded that he’d rather die happy than thin. And so he did.
Sometimes, it’s the same with sex.
I’ve got a friend whose boyfriend does things like put her in a cage and order her to clean the bathroom floor in a garter belt with a ball gag in her mouth. They couldn’t be happier. But I’m certain that, if she ever tried to put the leash on him, everything would fall apart.
I don’t know where you guys fit into the whole power exchange game. Is submissiveness a huge part of your sexual identities, or do you fight over who has to get out and pump gas, too?
If it’s just a laziness thing, or a whiskey dick thing, you need to start taking turns, and lay off the sauce. That is, if you want to stay together.
Learn how to enjoy being on top. Experiment with different positions and moves. Find some that you like. Focus on how much you adore him, and are hot for him. Don’t concentrate on how great it would feel to have your face in the pillow. Or maybe you guys could find a willing third to come over and take care of both your sexual needs? And perhaps mix your drinks while he’s at it?
If you’re both bottoms and a bottoms you shall always be you need to go out and find some tops. Sex is an important part of every relationship. You guys may make better spooning partners and drinking buddies than boyfriends.
Jen Sincero lives in the Venice Beach area of Los Angeles. She’s a syndicated columnist and the author of “Don’t Sleep with Your Drummer” (MTV Books) and “The Straight Girls Guide to Sleeping with Chicks” (Fireside).
www.jensincero.com.
E-mail: advice@jensincero.com
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition, October 27, 2006.