Newbies need friends to help navigate unfamiliar territory
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Dear Candy,
I recently left a heterosexual marriage of 25 years after I met a woman who truly attracted me. Although she seemed to care about me, it didn’t work out.
However, this brief romance convinced me that I’m lesbian. My question is
how to get started in an unfamiliar community. I’m quite shy, and always find it difficult to meet new people. Also, I am middle aged: Where are the middle-aged women? Bars are not for me, so please don’t suggest that route. Any suggestions?
Lost and Lonely
Dear Lost,
Good for you. It’s never too late to come out. And there’s a wonderful Dallas women’s group that formed about 10 years ago: Late Bloomers. They meet the second Tuesday of the month at the La Madeline on Lemmon Avenue.
What you need right now is a support system. And you should first meet women as friends. More often than not, friendships last through thick and thin. You still have time for romance down the road. And a group of friends, who have already been where you are, can serve as mentors to guide you forward. Good luck.
Dear Candy,
I’m crazy about this guy I’ve been dating except for one thing: He procrastinates.
Here’s an example: Friends will call on Sunday to invite us for dinner the next Friday. He says he’ll get back to them then he waits in case a better offer comes along. If not, he simply accepts the invitation on the day of the proposed dinner.
He also waits to buy tickets to events, just so he can keep his options open. And we usually end up not going because it’s already sold out or last-minute ticket prices are too outrageous.
I wonder if I’m just an option until something better comes along?
Now, except for his flaky procrastinating, he’s a catch. I’m reluctant to nag him about it afraid I’ll drive him away. On the other hand, I hate living in a state of constant indecision. Any suggestions? Just don’t tell me you’ll get back to me.
R.J.
Dear R.J.,
You have correctly interpreted your boyfriend’s behavior. He’s waiting for something better to come around. I’m not sure that’s what he’s doing with you, but that the case with social engagements.
He’s afraid he’ll miss something wonderful, so he hedges his bets by waiting until the last minute. That is his issue. But let’s look at your issue.
You lack self-esteem.
If your boyfriend won’t commit to a social outing, go ahead and commit without him and follow through on it. There is nothing wrong with
collaborating on timing, but you must speak up for yourself. Your time is important. Wait a reasonable amount of time, and then move forward on your decision. He’ll either move with you, or you will find someone who will. Good luck.
Candy Marcum is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Dallas.
E-mail DearCandyLetters@aol.com
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition, May 12, 2006.