Someone else’s shoes
I’ve often heard people talk about the importance of putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. The idea is that you can imagine how that other person is feeling — or will feel — and, in that way, you can figure out what you should say to or do for that person. It’s a good practice in theory. It offers us the opportunity to step outside of ourselves and fully consider the wants and needs of someone else separate from us.
But here’s the rub: Unless you know someone exceptionally well — in fact, even if you do know someone exceptionally well — putting yourself in their shoes can be really hard, maybe impossible, to do.
So, instead of uncovering what they would want in the situation, what we end up doing instead is imagining what we would want if we were in their situation. And that can be a double whammy because now we’re not really thinking about them at all. We’re thinking about ourselves.
Instead of putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes, we need to do something much harder: We need to talk to the person. We need to ask the hard questions. We need to be prepared to hear the hard answers. We need to actually do what it is that that person would want instead of what we would want.
Doing what we would want if we were in someone else’s shoes happens all the time. It happens with friends, with family, with significant others. And it always ends badly.
I’ve done it more than once in my lifetime. I’ve made a friend cry when I overstepped a boundary for her that would have never ever been one for me. I’ve lost contact with a relative when I reached out to help in a way that I longed for and she found downright offensive. I’ve had knock-down-drag-out fights with significant others when I’ve said exactly what I wanted to hear, assuming it would be exactly what they would want to hear, too.
It’s just a part of being human, I suppose. We want to help, and we want to believe that we know and understand the people we love. We’re also terribly flawed, we humans. We are as damaged as we are remarkable. And try as we might, we can hardly understand ourselves, let alone others, even when it comes to the people we love.
The truth is, there is no easy way to know what someone in need actually wants or needs. It’s a lot like getting healthy. You can’t just join the gym. You have to work out. You can’t just take a pill. You have to eat less and move more.
You can’t just know what someone needs. You have to inquire. If you want to help someone in pain or need, you have to reach out and ask what can sometimes feel like the hardest question in the world: “How can I help you?”
And keep in mind, that’s not always easy to answer. So be patient and assure them they can trust you and that you are ready, willing and able to help.
Now there’s a flip side to all of this, of course. We have just as much responsibility as the helpee as we do as the helper. If you need help, ask.
If someone asks you if she can help, respond. Be honest and clear.
It’s unfair to not ask and then be upset when no one does what you were hoping someone would be a mind reader and do. It’s not ok not to answer or to say, “I’m fine,” and then be angry or sad when the person who asked listened to you by doing nothing.
And it’s downright cruel to tell the person what you want or need and then get upset when they do it.
It’s fine to say, “I’m not sure what I need. Can we talk about it?” Or, “I’m not sure. Do you have any ideas?” It’s also fine to realize after the fact that what you asked the person to do wasn’t what you wanted or didn’t feel the way you expected it to.
But it is unfair and unkind to then be upset with the person who did it. You asked. They helped. If it didn’t work out the way you hoped, that’s on you.
I get it. It’s scary. It may be why we as humans have a tendency to isolate and neither ask for nor accept help. It’s hard to know what we want.
It’s hard to ask. It’s hard to feel like we need help. It’s hard to accept help. We feel small and insignificant and helpless and pitied. We don’t want people to feel sorry for us.
And as helpers it’s just as nerve wracking. What if we do it wrong? What if it’s not really what they wanted? What if? What if? What if?
As with nearly everything, when it comes to human interaction, it’s all about communication and kindness and understanding. If we’re talking about a friend or family member, if we’re talking about someone you love, their heart is likely in the right place. And that, in the end is all that matters.
So lead with kindness. Follow The Four Agreements. And instead of putting yourself in someone else’s shoes or asking someone to intuitively step into yours, speak your truth. No matter how hard that seems, it’s always worth it in the end.
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