What I learned about love — and patience — at my family reunion
I love the family into which I was born. It has its problems, for sure. But all things being equal, I feel awfully lucky. I lost my Papa my freshman year in college, which was devastating. But, being 51 years old now, I feel lucky that both of my parents are still alive.
I am not great about keeping in touch with my extended family. But there is emailing and Facebooking and the occasional visit.
I married into a great family, too — also not perfect, of course. But I have close relationships with a number of my new family members, and it’s a pretty great feeling to have a whole other family welcome you in with beyond open arms.
We just had a family reunion with my wife’s family. It was great. And it was hard.
I spent a lot of time working on and planning for the reunion. I had a logo designed. I put together the invite, created the t-shirts, designed and ordered cups, ordered the tent and tables and chairs.
My cousin organized the potluck and got everyone’s sizes. My wife did all of the coordinating and ran the show when the weekend was finally upon us.
I was so impressed by so many of her family members who were willing to help. Cooking and baking and packing up kids and sundries, despite all of their family and work responsibilities, to come to the event at the park across the street from my bonus grandmother.
It was so much fun to see everyone and have some real time to spend together. My wife rented a super cool house on a lake near my bonus grandmother’s home so we could have people over and extend the celebration. She rented a boat, and we cruised along the lake. We had dinners out and lots of laughs.
As I mentioned before, it was a lot of fun.
It was also really hard.
It was hard because there are a couple of people who don’t, let’s just say, align politically with the rest of us.
Because I respect my wife and her fierce desire for family connection, I kept my mouth shut on certain topics there and will keep it shut here — which is a shame really, since only through communication can we put an end to “fake news” and “false narratives” and the fear agenda.
Sometimes, though, we have to do what is good close to home, even though it may not be helping in the big picture.
The reunion was great. I wish it had been longer. I would have loved to spend more time with these truly remarkable people — my cousin who is a single mom of two balancing a full-time job while killing it at law school; my hilarious uncle and his fantabulous wife, two of the nicest people you’ll ever meet; my fierce bonus grandmother, who I could seriously move in with I love being with her so much; my cousin who is changing the lives of students every day.
Then there is my uncle, who makes gorgeous furniture, and his wife, who makes THE BEST deviled eggs. And there is my cousin, who has the most marvelous garden and chickens and who creates all sorts of goodies with the bounty. My young cousin is making her mark in the world alongside her partner, who is running for office. And don’t forget all the kids and spouses and siblings and partners who really just want to love and be loved and enjoy what little time we ultimately have on earth.
If anyone tells you their family and their familiar relationships are perfect, they’re probably lying — if not to you, then at least to themselves. Family and our relationships are not about perfection. They are about navigation.
The reunion reminded me that, just as I can choose to keep mum on certain topics, I can also refuse to give audience to certain topics, which can often be just as powerful as speaking out. Only truth and reality deserve to see the light of day.
You get to choose.
That’s the great thing about being an adult. You get to choose.
If someone is toxic and having them in your orbit is harmful to you in any way, you have EVERY right to cut them out of your life. And you have the right to set boundaries, including what you will and will not be audience to. If they can’t abide, you can excuse yourself.
None of that was an issue at the reunion. Mainly, I think, because it’s clear where everyone stands and what will and will not be tolerated, what will and will not be entertained, what will and will not be given voice.
Hopefully, this makes the message loud and clear without having to be, well, loud and clear.
I love my new family, and I am grateful they love me. And although sometimes I have to temper myself in ways, I prefer not to because social justice lives in my core, I have learned to put my wife and my love and respect for her first.
In my experience, when I do that, the rest will follow.
