How to do what’s wrong right
HOWARD LEWIS RUSSELL | Special Contributor
askhoward@dallasvoice.com
Dear Howard,
I’m 22, hot looking with a monster endowment — I’m talkin’ horses move back! My goal is to fall in love with a rich man someday soon — only a rich man — and to “marry” him. My friends call me a golddigger, but I say, what dummy wants to go digging for just tin? I don’t come from money. I come from the tracks’ wrong friggin’ side. My problem, Howard, is that it’s impossible for me to spot the men who have real money from those who are just players. I wanna be able to tell instantly by just looking at someone whether he has actual, real money or not. Could you help me? When I’m out on a first date, what are the top 10 giveaways I should look for to determine if some man is a keeper worth me pursuing? —Beauty Boi Climbing Up
Dear ZaZa,
Seeing as how you’ve cornered me here by outright requesting (from a golddigger’s perspective exclusively, no less) the top 10 moneyed “giveaways” to look for (all cues of true gentlemen as well), I’ve drawn up for you — a failsafe list by which you may instantly calculate whether your first date is worth you so much as even deigning him a second, follow-up date:
1. If he’s flaunting a Rolex, run away from him and never look back. Rolexes are worn by playas, only.
2. If he’s wearing a suit, there must be four buttons on its sleeve cuff; if he’s wearing a blazer, there should be no fewer than three buttons on its sleeve cuff; if he’s sporting no jacket at all, it’s, “Next in line!”
3. The leather of your date’s belt must match the leather of his shoes. If he’s donning neither a belt, nor shoes, simply slam your door in the cretin’s face.
4. Neckties must be 100 percent silk and, of course, clip-less; occasionally, wool neckties are acceptable.
5. Flip-flops are never permissible foot attire (except at the beach), and sneakers are never permissible foot attire on a date, period.
6. No visible tattoos or facial jewelry are permitted — ever (including earrings).
7. Jeans are not proper dinner attire; however, jeans are perfectly acceptable for, say, a Starbucks’ coffee date.
8. If he fails to open either his car door or a restaurant door for you, then rest assured that the only thing he’s remotely interested in is a one-night stand with that horsemeat bulge in your britches.
9. If he brags about money, or name-drops celebrities he has met, or babbles haughtily about how fabulous he is, do not return his calls/texts/emails again in a million years.
10. If he doesn’t complement you within the first five minutes of showing up, dump his sorry butt —quickly.
Got a question you think Howard can answer? Email it to AskHoward@dallasvoice.com.
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition March 8, 2013.