How to do what’s wrong right
HOWARD LEWIS RUSSELL | Special Contributor
Dear Howard,
I’m a solidly middle-aged, happily married (20-plus years now) gay man. At what point are the temptations to cheat on one’s spouse supposed to end? It just seems the older I get, the more I get hit on, constantly, by ever-younger and hotter boys. Shouldn’t the reverse be happening?
This morning, a visiting grandson of one of the people to whom I weekly deliver hot lunches as a volunteer, answered my knock with “Hi, I’m Trey.” The kid grinned tanly, dressed only in a pair of low-rise stretch 28-inch waist, neon blue, nothing-left-to-the-imagination Calvin boxers: “Grandma’s asleep.”
No sooner had I fled Trey and began self-congratulating my moral triumph, than who should be lurking enticingly at his usual staked-out/four-way intersection but the hottest homeless stud in all of Dallas. “Mercedes Chad!” shouted panhandler Hank at me just as all my prayers of making a still-yellow-light escape turned red. “You know what ‘fly’ means, Chad?” Hank beamed, as I reached for my wallet shaking my head: “A man is ‘fly’ who always opens his window to any guy down like me and only pulls out something green and rectangular.” As usual, Hank’s thumbs had a way of exotically hovering around the area just beneath his belt buckle to seal his sucker pitch.
Howard, do you have any suggestions for how all us guys in lifetime-committed relationships out there, having grown basically bored long ago with our own better halves in the bedroom, can resist messing around on the sly with the allurements of ever-younger flesh? Is monogamy between two long-term, devoted, fellow homosexual partners just a hopeless cause from the get-go? — Matthew
Dear Mercedes Chad-Matthew,
Selfless generosity and genuine kindness are — bar none — the most sexually attractive male traits on Earth … far more so than, say, that ever-elusive, holy grail penis that’s fantastically always somewhere out there, merely one more Prince Charming Grindr click away.
Simply relish your middle-aged “daddy-phase” attention at its “fly” face value, Chad, and enjoy every sweet flattery that younger men can milk you of it for, too … including the homeless, ‘cause yapping at “Rich Old Geezer’s” weathered heels comes “Gramps,” and ain’t nobody sexually turned-on by Gramps, ain’t nobody gonna beg Gramps for money, ain’t nobody even gonna glance at Gramps twice:
Nobody gets to live a happy long life, side-by-side with another, who refuses to mature. Sexual temptations always, inevitably, fade away — just ride things through. It’s easier to be happy in the end; what’s short-term will flame out on its own.
Dear Howard,
This hot guy I started dating about three months back only seems really interested in sex with me when there’s porn playing on my TV in the background — the hardest of hardcore porn, curtains-always-drawn-with-the-doors-locked kind of stuff. It’s almost as if, without Treasure Island Media to help him get through it, he couldn’t be bothered.
The electricity in my apartment went out right in the middle of things last week, and I instantly got some flimsy excuse about him needing to “check on his dogs.” He pulled out, pulled his pants back on and just left. I felt like dirt. Worse, I got soundly informed the next day that I needed a bigger TV, but honestly our sex isn’t much better since than what he gave me before … so, what’s the deal with that? — Kevin
Dear Kevin,
Well, obviously, you didn’t buy a big enough television; or, on the other hand, perhaps just maybe “this hot guy” you’re dating might possibly be, oh, a total asshole prick. . . . hmmm, I’m probably gonna go with that zonker, Kev. The guy’s a loser. Dump him.
Do you have a question about etiquette, love, life or work? Email it to AskHoward@dallasvoice.com and he may answer it!
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition April 3, 2015.