How to do what’s wrong right
HOWARD LEWIS RUSSELL | Special Contributor
askhoward@dallasvoice.com
Dear Howard,
I’m 21 and afraid of now going to Hell for becoming a “practicing” homosexual recently — I just began dating a very nice guy I met on a Christian dating site: Advice? — Ty
Dear Ty,
As a legally grown adult now, do you also still believe in Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Easter bunnies, Bigfoot and that fanged monster which always lurked under your bed after the light was turned out?
Trust me, Ty: You met your “very nice guy” on a Christian dating site; thus, how could you possibly be doomed to Satan in return?
Dear Howard,
My new boyfriend doesn’t like my dog, at all, and the sentiment is 100 percent mutual from Rover’s end. What do I do? I like my boyfriend. — Forrester
Dear Forrest,
You actually have a dog named Rover? OK, well, despite you being blessed with a personality soullessly barren of any creativity/imagination whatsoever, by simply condensing your quandary down to, say, a basic Sophie’s Choice question, then of course you must choose Spot — I mean Rover.
After all, pets unconditionally love the milk of human kindness, no matter how colorless their master’s individual character may be; however, Forrest, the boyfriend is gonna dump your dreary dull butt at some point — probably much sooner than later; yet, as you’ve already confessed regardless, you merely like the new boyfriend anyhow, whereas you adoringly love Max . . . Rover, rather.
Dear Howard,
After being single for 15 years, I met a wonderful man at church; our relationship progressed and we both fell in love. He lives 3½ hours from Dallas. He’s divorced with three kids, which he has every other weekend and two evenings a week. He still lives and works in a small town, and we see each other almost every weekend, whether I go there or he comes to Dallas.
Two weeks ago, he slipped into a depression that was very noticeable: He would cry a lot. Loving him so much, I asked him to please explain what was going on, and his reply was, “I hate my job, I hate this small town, my children are being very disrespectful, I live way too close to my horrible ex-wife, I cannot find employment in Dallas, I’ve used all my savings!”
He said he needed time to think, and decided to pull away from our very loving relationship for a while. This was an incredible shock to me and I feel almost devastated. Do you believe that if you really love someone you have to let them go, and if they really love you they will come back? — Scott
Dear Scott,
The true point is this, and it’s brutal: Whatever fairy tale, teenybopper fantasy you may have concocted in your TVLand brain regarding how very much a younger, small-town, formerly straight, divorced father of three bratty kids desires escaping to your starry-eyed/big-city embrace, the dude simply does. . . not . . . love . . . you.
Bottom-line, stud: You’re not quite the knight in shining urbane armor, in Mr. Ecclesiastical’s eyes at least, that you view yourself as — for which, honestly, you should kiss the ground of skyscraping Dallas in holy-rainbow thanks, because I’m not even going to mention the “horrible ex-wife” scorned being only too angelically happy to play some trumped up “child abuse” card against her former husband (now gone rogue homo!) and his new same-sex spouse equally, following one of her kids’ weekend custody visits. Run, Scott — like the wind, you’d better run!
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition October 10, 2014.