How to do what’s wrong right
HOWARD LEWIS RUSSELL | Special Contributor
askhoward@dallasvoice.com
Dear Howard,
I have a twin sister. We’re both gay but we haven’t told our parents yet. We’re 17. When do you think would be a good time to come out to them? We have an older sister that’s 21 and heterosexual; she just got “shotgun” engaged to a guy, ugly though he is, so maybe that might take some of the pressure off Momma and Daddy when we tell them we’re lesbians, you think? — Chere
Dear Chere,
OK, just give me a second here, dear girl, to actually wrap my brain around what you’re asking me: Your coming-out philosophy is predicated upon your older sister (who’s straight, pregnant and engaged) producing a longed-for grandchild; however, the ghastly scandal of her having to marry — over being discovered that she engaged in premarital sex with an ugly dude — will, therefore, soften whatever potentially perceived shame your parents may have subsequently expressed toward hearing the bombshell revelation, via their younger twin children, that you’re both gay?
May I ask you a question, Chere? Do you have any real-life experience at all, outside of watching the “reality” exploits of the Kardashians and the various Housewives franchises?
Dear Howard,
My parents moved from Japan to Dallas a week before I was born, so I’m American by birth. I’m currently dating a guy living in the M Streets whose parents also emigrated to the U.S. when he was only a baby, but from London, and I think I’m in love with him.
Long story short, he now requests we move together to New York City after we graduate from SMU, because he says New York is the largest, most fascinating city in the world, almost as big as London, and he doesn’t believe me when I tell him that Tokyo, by far, is larger than NYC and London (plus Dallas) combined. Would you please answer this question, Mister Howard, and inform him I’m right? — Logan
Dear Logan,
Nerd Alert: Boys, if you truly want to engage in this urinating contest over a topic so very nonsexual as which city in the world has the greatest population density, then, I’ve bad news for both your bladders: First, Logan: London reigned supreme as the world’s largest city for fully 100 years, from 1825 to 1925 — longer than any other city throughout recorded history (including ancient Rome); from 1925 to 1968, New York City ruled, and from 1968, forward since, it’s been … Tokyo, by far. By metro population currently, Tokyo is No. 1 with 38 million; NYC is only No. 8 with 21 mil, and London, at 9 million, ends up at No. 34.
So you’re right, Logan; exactly what you presume that being insistently correct will achieve for your private life in the long run, regarding your relationships with potential partners?
Dear Howard,
Why can’t I find any daddies out there in their 50s? I’m 25 and I worship older men, especially guys twice my age or older, but where are they all? — Frank K.
Dear Frank,
Unfortunately, much of the planet’s phalanx of silver foxes that you so lasciviously crave — who should now be well into their 50s — got hardest hit by the AIDS epidemic of the early 1980s, when they were at their sexual peak and before safe sex was talked about. You’ll have a much easier time scoring a daddy in his 40s, or even in his 60s.
Do you have a question about etiquette, love, life or work? Send it to AskHoward@dallasvoice.com and he may answer it in a future column.
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition August 22, 2014.