How to do what’s wrong right
HOWARD LEWIS RUSSELL | Special Contributor
askhoward@dallasvoice.com
Dear Howard,
Me and my boyfriend have been together for six years. We’re supposed to be monogamous, but instead I’d call the current state of our relationship something more like monogamish. I travel a lot, and we’re sort of at that stage now of demise where it’s, “Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.” Oh, and my boyfriend’s poz; I’m not. He’s strictly bottom; I’m totally a top — or, to be accurate, I’m only a top to my boyfriend. My question is: Should I insist when I’m out of town for work that my boyfriend be 100 percent faithful to me, Mr. Howard, even though he more or less knows that, when on the road, I’m not being so with him? — Daniel
Dear Dan,
“Me and my boyfriend . . . ?” Seriously, Daniel, this is the grammatical-perversion-point which we’re starting your question off from?
In any case, just so that “Mr. Howard” here fully understands that me and you are, both, on the same page, what you’re asking is whether or not it’s OK for you to cheat as a bottom behind your boyfriend’s back whenever you’re traveling.
Naturally, my sneaky man, Cardinal Howard here passes no moral judgment. I’m hardly the Pope, after all; nevertheless, to insist your boyfriend stay faithful while you are being plowed out on the road by just anything that squirts, does seem (on paper, at least) a trifle bit, oh, hypocritical.
Personally, I think you should probably get tested again yourself for HIV. Secondly, you should be as faithful to your boyfriend as you require him be with you — whatever level of mutually agreed upon “monogamish-ness” that may entail.
Dear Howard,
I was at one of the Cedar Springs clubs and the fierce bartender there, who I always buy my drinks from, gave me back the wrong amount of change — big time. I handed him a $10 bill for my beer, but he gave me change for a Benjamin! Plus, he winked at me! I’m a really shy guy. I remember that I only had $20 in my pocket on Friday night when I walked in. It wasn’t until I even got home later that I figured out what the bartender did. Was he trying to pick me up, you think, or was it probably just an honest mistake? — Ginger Boi Jim
Dear Gingy,
OK, James, first, that your very personal favorite “fierce” bartender along the strip winked when giving your beer change back is great news: A wink always implies that one has a very good shot at scoring sex with whomever did the winking; second, bartenders do not make mistakes involving monetary transactions — unless, that is, their “mistake” just happens to favor lining their own pockets behind their managers’ backs.
Bottom line, Jimbo: Your favorite bartender is indeed interested in getting into your pants; regardless, he did not realize he’d given you change back for $100 instead of for $10.
So, what should you do? I’m gonna tell you exactly: Simply return the change to your dreamboat bartender for his honest mistake made, and, I can guarantee you, that there will be a little ginger-haired boi getting the fiercest sex of his dreams that very night.
Dear Howard,
Man, here’s a tripper: I saw my stepfather at the bathhouse the other afternoon. It was lunchtime. A weekday. He saw me, too. We both turned hide the other direction instantly and pretended we were invisible to each other. I’m out of the closet, but he’s sure not! I like the dude, Howard. He has always been a nice guy to me. What do I tell my mother? — Brady
Dear Brady,
This is an easy one, son: You tell your mother nothing. Your stepfather will handle all this himself, trust me; meanwhile, like you said, you didn’t see him and he didn’t see you.
Do you have a question — about etiquette, love, life or work — that needs an answer? Send your problem to AskHoward@Dallasvoice.com and he may answer it in a future edition!
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition June 21, 2013.