Dirty old men and booty gone bad
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Dear Jen,
I’m not attracted to men my age. The younger men I dig only want platonic relationships with me. Because my friends know I’m lonely, they suggest that I “become attracted to” men in my own age bracket.
How do you that? Either he makes my toes tingle or he doesn’t.
Another suggestion is that I should lower my standards. So if I do finally hook up, then my friends will say, “Oh, good. You lowered your standards.” How insulting.
I’m out there. I teach at a college campus. It’s not like I’m hiding in my room. I could have another 20-30 years of decent sexual ability in me. But it’s looking like my future relationship will be with a DVD player.
Growing Old Alone
Dear Growing,
As a founding member of the Dirty Old Ladies Club, allow me to raise a glass with you: “To the youngsters! To their soft, nubile, skin-so-tight you could bounce Daddy’s credit card off it! To their CD collections! To their still-developing minds that are blown away by statements like, “‘I own a washer and dryer: You can do your laundry at my house.'”
Anyone who says they don’t think young hotties are sexy is lying. However, wanting to wake up next to a twink every morning is a different story.
Just because you want something you’re not getting doesn’t mean you have to start wanting something else. It means you have to be realistic.
Get your flabby old butt to the gym. Get your bank account in shape. Hone your knowledge of youth culture. Hell, start a blog or a MySpace page. Make friends with other dirty old men, and ask their boyfriends to set you up.
Don’t hit on your students. That’s just creepy.
Instead, think about why you find younger dudes appealing. The physical attraction is obvious. But is this just a case of arrested development?
Candy looks good and tastes great, but it’s not nourishing. If “lowering your standards” means dating someone who’s emotionally mature, perhaps you’re more turned off by the fact that he’ll make you grow up.
More than a feeling
Dear Jen,
For the past year, I’ve been involved with a great guy. We’re “friends with benefits.” Only we do nothing that normal friends do, like, have dinner, see movies or go shopping. We have amazing sex nothing more.
We’re both in our 30s, and we both have close relationships with our respective families. But we’ve never met the other’s family or friends.
I’m beginning to have stronger emotions for him. I wonder if there will ever be more to our relationship. He’s a good man and would make a wonderful partner.
After spending the past year as a booty call, am I crazy, hoping the relationship will become legit?
Booty Call for Help
Dear Help,
There’s nothing sadder than a good booty-call that gets complicated by emotions. It’s so hard to find that perfect person: hot enough to regularly molest but isn’t quite mate material because he can’t make you laugh and insists on using words like “terrific.”
According to my extensive research, most booty calls have a three-month shelf life. That seems to be how long it takes to go from filthy, string-free, “if you ain’t home, I’ll just screw your roomate” sex to getting all mopey because he took somebody else to his sister’s wedding.
8 tips to prolong booty-calling pleasure:
1.) Make sure there’s something about your booty call that you find repulsive, unacceptable or embarrassing.
2.) Find someone who lives in a different state; Ship him in when needed.
3.) Don’t socialize outside the bedroom.
4.) Inside the bedroom, don’t talk too much.
5.) Don’t loan books, CDs, clothing or money.
6.) If you must talk on the phone, make it quick. And dirty.
7.) Don’t fantasize about living together. Don’t doodle his name on your notebook.
8.) Maximum visit for out-of-state booty: three days.
It’s possible to stray from the rules. But if the sex is still hot for more than three months, there’s might be something more there. If it hasn’t developed into something deeper, it’s usually one sided. And that one side is usually lying about how they feel because they don’t want it to end.
There’s nothing crazy about wanting a more intimate relationship with this guy. But there’s something crazy about sticking with him if he says he can’t give you what you want. This will only torture your soul and keep you from finding someone else who wants to be with you. All of you and not just your booty.
Jen Sincero lives in Venice Beach district of Los Angeles. She’s a syndicated columnist and the author of “Don’t Sleep with Your Drummer” (MTV Books) and “The Straight Girls Guide to Sleeping with Chicks” (Fireside). www.jensincero.com.
E-mail: advice@jensincero.com
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition, June 15, 2007.